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How to talk to 5y.o DD about...



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amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Feb 29 2020, 8:04 pm
... the way she behaves in her grandparents home. I mean my inlaws feed into her behavior so even thou I notice it and have a hard time with it at home its 100 times worse in this environment than in others.

Backround: DD needs constant round the clock entertainment and excitement. Shes pretty similar to dh whos an amazing husband and father. But its hard to parent a kid like this. Its her need for new and exciting toys all the time. Fun adventures and trips etc. Basically almost everything in her life is "boring". I was raised very much to be sameach bchelko. I know this this makes me complacent sometimes but thats another story. I get so hurt when dd says "I dont like our house" "I dont wanna live in xxxx (city) anymore" she just always wants bigger and better. My parents are simple people (bh well off but No extravagance at all. Very disciplined about spending and all areas of life)
My inlaws quiet simply are the opposite. I love them because it is the easiest house to be a guest in. Basically zero rules and grandkids are spoiled rotten! Problem is when you have a girl like dd it teaches her to ask for a new toy/prize/game every 10 mins and everything shes given is "disposable " her display of middos when we are there is quite frankly pretty ugly Sad ive tried saying no to her but my inlaws keep giving into it so I feel awkard taking away stuff.
This shabbos made me very aggravated. All advice welcome!
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hodeez




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 29 2020, 8:16 pm
You have to speak to your in laws, not your kid
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mammale




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 29 2020, 8:20 pm
This sounds hard... Haven't dealt with such an issue, but what jumps out at me is that you say that your daughter is similar to your husband. Have you tried talking to your mother in law? Maybe she will be able to relate to the challenges of raising such a child, and have advice? Maybe she'll agree to be more firm, and back you up when you tell your daughter no?
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amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Feb 29 2020, 8:26 pm
hodeez wrote:
You have to speak to your in laws, not your kid


Mil says its just for shabbos... let her be.
Or were her grandparents we are meant to spoil her...
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amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Feb 29 2020, 8:32 pm
mammale wrote:
Have you tried talking to your mother in law? Maybe she will be able to relate to the challenges of raising such a child, and have advice? Maybe she'll agree to be more firm, and back you up when you tell your daughter no?


She didnt deal with dh correctly at all. He had to overcome a ton in his teenage years and early 20s before he met me. He didnt know how to deal with the word "no"
He racked up a ton of debt when my inlaws could no longer support him financially and he "needed" things. I came from a much wealthier background than dh and im.so much simpler and low maintenance and can live with a lot less..im less picky about everything, food, clothes getting new things being up to date. I have a lot less peer pressure..however dh is extremely driven because he had to figure out how to get whay he wanted in life..
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southernbubby




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 29 2020, 8:43 pm
As a grandmother, I have discovered that it's best to ask the parents before buying the kids anything. Most of them have limited patience for junky toys and if it's a big purchase, they want something to say about it.
I didn't come to this conclusion on my own but after some of my kids said that they were tired of throwing out junk. When it's a big purchase, maybe they preferred something else.
Maybe you could explain that the cheap thrills are a real housekeeping issue when broken toys are all over the place.
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Sat, Feb 29 2020, 8:47 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Mil says its just for shabbos... let her be.
Or were her grandparents we are meant to spoil her...


If they can't respect your requests and you see its harming your daughter, spend less time there.
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thegiver




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 29 2020, 10:38 pm
This sounds Normal to me. Grandparents like to spoiland have trouble saying no. Be firm. Warn upfront. Say reasona
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amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Feb 29 2020, 10:59 pm
They are coming to me for pesach. I think its more reasonable for me to ask not to spoil in my own environment when im the hostess. Im thinking to call in advance and say 1 gift for yt that is all. Im going to tell dd the same thing and tell my inlaws to blame it on me. Tell her mommy doesn't let. This way I'm bad cop bec there is no way they will play that part...
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amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Feb 29 2020, 11:05 pm
thegiver wrote:
This sounds Normal to me. Grandparents like to spoiland have trouble saying no. Be firm. Warn upfront. Say reasona


Thats fine but specifically for this dd all shell do all shabbos is ask for more. She knows the house is full of stuff so she barely look at my inlaws without asking for it. I hate it Sad
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 29 2020, 11:55 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
They are coming to me for pesach. I think its more reasonable for me to ask not to spoil in my own environment when im the hostess. Im thinking to call in advance and say 1 gift for yt that is all. Im going to tell dd the same thing and tell my inlaws to blame it on me. Tell her mommy doesn't let. This way I'm bad cop bec there is no way they will play that part...

You can tell your in-laws not to bring extra treats to your house, but don't suggest blaming it on you! They might do it anyway but that's not a desired outcome! You are the mother and it's better for the kids to not think of you as the "bad cop" any more than they naturally will. You're also probably going to give them a complex where they feel guilty for enjoying the goodies like normal kids.

My opinion: You're not going to change the setup (except maybe in your own house.) If you want to improve DD's middos, teach and model and reinforce please and thank-you. Spoiled and unspoiled are attitudes, they don't necessarily correlate with how much someone has but more with how much they appreciate what they have and who gives it to them.

If part of the problem is that they're accumulating too much junk, you can make a one-in-one-out policy.
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Sun, Mar 01 2020, 3:08 am
If you cant Curtail the in-laws (can hubby try ex one toy a wk rule) what about talking to your daughter.
"I know bubby likes to spoil and treat you and that makes her happy but we need to remember middos"
Play middos song from marvelous middos machine and work on one middo when u see them ex hakoras hatov. Remind daughter and role play at home. If shes bright you could have a code word to remind her. Express how proud you are with a big hug every time you see her stop and think and say thank you or not ask for another present. Or whatever it is your working on.
Would that work? Or part of it work?
Middos language needs to be used regularly in our homes I believe. Esp with you younger ones (4-12 for example....)
"Love the way you did that mitsvah with zrizus."
"You showed such great hakoras hatov"
"I can see your really besameach bechelko even though its a challenge"
And speak of yourself too with middos.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 01 2020, 7:05 am
OP, I hear you. Good for you for wanting your DD to have nice middos, and starting at such an early age! You are an awesome mama.

My DD is adopted, and it was an open adoption. That means 4 sets of grandparents, and huge extended families on all sides. As an only child, and the first grandchild for 3 of the grandparent sets, she was absolutely spoiled beyond belief.

I didn't want her to get an entitled attitude, so I told her a story about "The Sad Babies". The babies were sad because they didn't have any toys, and their mommies and daddies didn't have money to buy them toys. Sometimes the babies were sad because they didn't even have enough food, or a nice house. I gently suggested that DD take some of the toys that she never played with (most still had the original tags on) and put them in a bag so we could take them to the babies.

DD, being a natural empath, loved the idea. She jumped on board like it was a wonderful game, and we started collecting all the toys that were brand new and could be donated. We ended up with a full garbage bag! We took them down to a women's shelter that also housed children. DD saw that it was not a "nice house", and was satisfied that her toys needed to go to other kids.

When she would throw a toy on the floor and refuse to pick it up, I would ask her "Do you not like this toy anymore? We can give it to sad babies who won't throw it on the floor." Then she had the choice of putting it away properly, or donating it. No threats were needed, because it wasn't a punishment.

When she got older, she still carried on an interest in helping others. During the huge fires in and around Haifa, she donated bags of toys and clothes with joy. Her biggest goal in life is to be a foster mother for at-risk teenagers.

She didn't get this way overnight, but by starting at age 5, it laid a foundation for gratitude and appreciation. She is always thinking of others, and how she can share.

You are on the right track. Try "The Sad Babies" story, and get her involved in a chessed project. It will change her life.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 01 2020, 7:12 am
Another story. When DD was 13, a friend of mine was collecting for refugees from Argentina. They were coming to Israel with literally the clothes on their back, and no suitcases, because they had nothing to pack. Anything and everything was needed.

I was going through the kitchen culling duplicates of pots and pans, and DD asked what I was doing. Then she ran to her room and started gathering things like crazy.

Later on, my friend told me that some of these kids were 8 or 9 years old, and had never had a toy in their lives. Not a single one, just rocks and sticks to pretend with. The look on their faces when they were handed a doll or a teddy bear was incredible to see. When I told DD this, she burst into tears and said "Mama, what else can I give them?!"

Don't get me wrong. She still wants fast food way too often, and will try to whine and wear you down until you give in. She's not perfect, but I shudder to think what she would be like if I didn't do my best to instill sensitivity in her.
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