Husband and I parent different

amother

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 2:46 am

My husband grew up with a father that was barely home...hed sometimes not even make it home for shabbos...so basically he has no idea how to parent.

I signed myself up for a gentle parenting course, hoping he'll hop on to listen as well..he gave all lame excuses why he doesnt listen.

Anyways after seeing a post how someone hates shabbos I became triggered because shabbos is my nightmare! He so wants a perfect family that he didnt have (according to some ppl I spoke to) and when that doesn't happen he gets triggered...he makes my kids sit through the entire sueda even after I explained they are to small, and every family creates original memories...I tried allowing the kids to bring toys to the table but he got upset again.

I read quite often here how ppl disconnect from their husband. I need advice. During the week he leaves before we get up, and I send him on errands so he only spends one hour with my kids (and often times I leave the house because I cant bear his outlashes) when hes home....his outbursts turn me into a zombie, I cant function and often times need 2-3 hours to get to myself! How do you ignore your men? How do I parent my way without his behavior disturbing me?!?!?

amother

Lawngreen

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 3:15 am

First, it's good for children to have two different parents with different parenting styles, so long as both styles are healthy.

You seem to feel that your husband doesn't know how to parent at all. You may be right that his expectations are too high, but the more time he spends with the kids, the more he'll understand where they are. Don't send him on errands. You go out and do errands while he stays home playing with the children. Give him a chance to parent without you looking over his shoulder. He may get the hang of things.

If he has real trauma about his childhood, that could be addressed in therapy. But there are wonderful fathers and mothers in this world who didn't have great childhoods themselves. With education and patience, the cycle can be broken. Good luck.

ora_43

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 6:07 am

What kind of outbursts are we talking, here? That makes a very big difference. Also, is he lashing out at you, at the kids...? Does he realize that his outbursts are leaving you upset for hours afterwards? When you say "but he got upset again" - do you mean that you decided it wasn't worth upsetting him, or that the only way to get him to calm down was to agree to do everything his way?

I'm also not clear on whether or not you've discussed this with him. Not just pinpoint things, like whether or not the kids can bring toys to the table, or hints like "hey doesn't this parenting course sound interesting?" but a straightforward, "Dh, we seem to have wildly different parenting styles and it's really stressing me out. Can we talk about it, please?"

Don't be too quick to decide that he knows nothing about parenting and has nothing valuable to contribute. OK, so his dad wasn't home - did he have a mother? That's also a parent... And even someone with two terrible parents can have valuable thoughts about parenting, even if it's coming from a place of "I know what not to do" or "I know what I wish my parents had done."

Anyway. In general, if his outbursts aren't overtly harmful (not violent and/or terrifying for the kids), and if he isn't open saying ridiculous things about parenting (like, say, "there's no reason children shouldn't be perfectly behaved, all the time"), I think your best best is to give him more opportunities to get better. Don't send him out of the house to do errands, keep him home with the kids. How is he supposed to know how to interact with them if he's never with them?

You might want to start with family activities. Preferably something low-stress.

ora_43

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 6:10 am

Stay calm by realizing that:

1. learning to parent well takes time and experience. Reframe it from "he's so bad at this, he has no idea what he's doing" to "he's learning."

2. (AGAIN, ASSUMING HIS OUTBURSTS AREN'T ABUSIVE) his relationship with your kids is not your relationship with your kids, and what he says doesn't reflect on you. They're capable of understanding that dad is the strict parent and mom is the calm parent (or whatever).

3. kids are resilient, and can do just fine with less-than-perfect parenting, as long as they realize their parents love them and are there for them.

(ETA) 4. remind yourself of what you're gaining by "letting" him parent his way. You're showing respect for his POV - that's good for your relationship with him, and a strong relationship between you and your dh is wonderful for your kids. You're showing your kids a living example of how two people can be different, and can disagree, but can still respect and value each other. And in a way, doesn't this gentle approach to him go hand-in-hand with gentle parenting?

5. remember, you don't need to stay calm all the time. It's OK to have strong opinions about parenting and to express them if/when you feel like your dh is crossing the line.

dankbar

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 6:31 am

When he has outbursts when you are around, and then you leave, what happens then? Does he change his ways, when he is alone with the kids or does he continue to be emotionally abusive to them? If he is a maniac, when you are not around as well, then you cannot leave the kids alone under his abuse. You need to protect them.

Is he reactive because you keep on telling him how to parent, in front of the kids or go against everything he says, in front of the kids, or undermine his authority, contradict him?

amother

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 8:59 am

amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:

Thanks for responding. I dont mind a different parenting approach, but name calling kids is so dangerous!

Keeping him out of the house is only a recent thing as my kids really hate him (and tell him openly)...he makes our entire house so tense with shouting and name calling, that it's easier for me to parent alone.

I cant ask him to go to therapy, as I already suggested it when I found out he was molested. So that's out. I need ideas how to get back my peace and serenity without including him.

amother

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 9:07 am

ora_43 wrote:

I responded to your first question above.

I told him so many times that I paid a fortune for a course. And I'm doing it because he lashes out and I'm sure he doesnt do it intentional and he needs guidance. I also pointed out that I'm not perfect and I feel this changed my life.

His mother was extremely overprotective and never gave him independence. She even gave me instructions how to care for him (how to wash his clothes, and I need to polish his shoes daily using a certain brand polish etc) Her kids were the only thing she had in life. I am one of the very few in the family who taught my husband to detach and she doesnt have to know every detail of our life (believe me some of the kids discuss every little gritty shalom bayis issue...)

Regarding activities, I try to play games with my kids at the time he comes home as my oldest comes home 6:30...but it's not always possible!

amother

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 9:11 am

dankbar wrote:

I dont know what happens when I'm not in the house. But whenever I leave and I tell my son daddy will babysit, his eyes drop and he begs me not to leave.

I never tell him how to parent in front of my kids. When after he name calls them and walks away I take my kid and ask him to explain me what happened and I try to solve the damage he did....

And those telling me it's ok to have a different parenting approaches never saw how a man calls his kids dumb, crazy, [crazy] and slow! And if u saw and just stood by, poor kids of yours!

amother

Firebrick

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 9:13 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Why are you staying in this marriage if he is abusing your kids?

amother

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 9:15 am

imasinger wrote:

OP, please tell us how the conversation goes.

You tell him, at a time when the kids aren't around, "DH, I'm deeply concerned that your Shabbos table expectations are too much for the kids at this age, and it's not leading in a good direction."

What does he say?

So s/o on Instagram posted a while back how she had expectations on shabbos and what she did to fix it etc and I showed it to him...I explained having expectations doesnt help, this is our family and we have to do what is good for our kids...

Anyways shabbos is not my main concern at this moment, my main concern is how to shut him out....

amother

Cerulean

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 9:20 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

In my house, we don't name-call. When a kid says, "you're so slow" I remind them: "No names." When DH does this in a moment of anger, in a calm no-nonsense voice, I'll say the same thing, "DH, no names." He doesn't like when I do that, but name-calling is not a different parenting style, it's NOT OK. And I need to establish that consistently, not defend or explain such behavior to them privately afterwards.

Please don't defend your DH's mean behavior to them. It confuses them and gives them leverage to come between you and him.

amother

Lawngreen

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 10:12 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

This is different from your first post. I responded to what seemed like a different situation. If things have deteriorated to this point, I think you need to call in professional help for yourself, to give you tools for managing the situation. His behavior, as you now describe it, sounds very hurtful. It's also not ok for kids to tell their father that they hate him, and it seems worrisome that you go into zombie mode just when your kids need you most.

The question isn't who is crazier, it's how to give your children the healthiest environment possible.

I wish you much strength as you move forward.

amother

Wheat

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 10:25 am

My dh used to be harsh and demanding with me and the kids on Shabbos and Sunday. He was overworked and over stressed, overtired and not in the best frame of mind to deal with kids. So I used to avoid him. I’d make a quick 30 min Shabbos seudah, feed the kids before so they weren’t hungry and cranky. Right after take them out to play. Limited courses so less table time. Sunday I would leave the house with the kids shortly before he came home from SHUL. He slowly got the message. He asked me a few sundays hey where are you? What’re is everyone? I’d explain what he’s too unpleasant on weekends, I rather take the kids to the park myself and He can have a nice day. After a few lonely sundays he was able to hear me out and realized this was not so much fun for him either. He worked on himself and got better. More understanding of kids behavior. For example he doesn’t let books or toys by the table. But if the kids want to take a break and go play for a bit that’s ok. Not the older teens, but the little ones. They can’t sit that long.
He also grew up with his father mostly away at work, and very formal Shabbos meals. We rarely visit his parents. They like kids to be seen and not heard.

amother

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 11:19 am

amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:

Right. That's why I did gentle parenting as I find the approach extremely easy and workable...it works for me. My kids are angels when my husband isnt home...my oldest gets triggered the easiest and he lashes back...

ora_43

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 1:15 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I cant ask him to go to therapy, as I already suggested it when I found out he was molested. So that's out. I need ideas how to get back my peace and serenity without including him.

You're describing a man who's verbally abusing his kids.

If you're a remotely healthy person, there's no way you're ever going to feel "serenity" while someone is screaming at your kids and calling them crazy, stupid, [crazy], etc. So I'm not even going to try to answer that question. I think the real question is, how can you protect your kids?

Going back to your first sentence - there's a big difference between therapy for his own trauma, and therapy so that he can stop mistreating his kids. Regarding the first, he's the one who gets 100% say over if and when he's ready to talk about his own abuse. Regarding the second, you have every right to demand that he get treatment immediately.