I Hate Play Dates!

amother

Mon, Mar 02 2020, 11:13 am

I live in Israel and my kids are all pretty young, so everyone is home by 2. My 6 year old son loves when kids come over, and a couple of kids really enjoy coming over lately, but I find it so so difficult! When my kids are alone, they amuse each other really nicely for the most part. Sometimes we have fights or whatever, but not as much as when there are friends over. When ds6 has a friend, ds3 wants one, too. So it's also more stuff taken out because they each then need separate things instead of all dealing with the same stuff. I'm also not thrilled with the influence some of these kids are having on my kids. And I'm realizing I just don't so much like dealing with other kids as much as I used to before I had my own. So how do I find a balance? If a kid wants to come every other day, should I make it once a week? I am glad my kids are social and other kids like them, but I just hate having them here. What would you do? My kids don't like going to others' houses, so they can't really reciprocate or anything. I always hear play dates make everything easier... how do you figure???

amother

Tue, Mar 03 2020, 2:51 am

amother [ Blue ] wrote:

Your kids need play dates even if you don't like them. But if you want to minimize them, make a rule that your kids must go to their friends house for every other play date.

That's a really good idea, I think I'll try it, thank you! I think it might work because he just doesn't feel like going to the other kids' houses because they don't have as fun toys. But he doesn't want me to always say no, so maybe that will be enough reason for him to go. But why do I always hear that kids do so much better when a friend is over? He plays so much more nicely by himself or with siblings! And how often do you think would be reasonable?

Teomima

Tue, Mar 03 2020, 3:00 am

Playdates can be such a headache, I agree OP. While I do think they are good for kids (the teach valuable social skills), I also think once a week is plenty (more than plenty, even. My kids don't have them nearly that often). I also find they're a good way to teach children responsibility and consequences by assigning them age -appropriate duties/tasks/chores in order to "earn" their playdate. So for example for my kids who are old enough to, they must have their toys put away or laundry sorted in order to be allowed to have a friend over (bonus for me, if they don't do it I don't have to deal with the playdate). But I also agree that they should go to their friends' houses sometimes, it can be a really nice way to get a kid out of the house for a bit and make life easier for you!

amother

Tue, Mar 03 2020, 3:10 am

Teomima wrote:

Good ideas, thanks. He used to have one every once in a while, and that I was totally fine with. Also when a neighbor pops in for an hour or so and I can just send him home if it gets to be too much, that's also fine for me every so often. But now I get a call from this kid or mom every other day at least, and have to have the kid for 2+ hours each time, and if I see it's too much and call to get picked up, have to wait like 20 minutes for that to happen. So that's my issue I guess. What do I do about the constant requests? Should I plan with the mom just once a week? Just say yes whenever I feel up to it and otherwise say no?

twizzlers1

Tue, Mar 03 2020, 3:12 am

My son only finishes early on Tuesdays and I was trying to have play dates every week. I found it a lot of work to watch two five-year-old boys but was happy to do it for my son. I got a bit resentful when nobody reciprocated even after we had their son a couple of times. I am definitely taking a break until after Pesach. we just moved and it's been cold so he hasn't really gotten to know any of the neighbor kids yet which would be a lot easier because I could always send them home when it got to be too much.

Rappel

Tue, Mar 03 2020, 3:16 am

DS3 asks me almost daily to have friends over, but I don't feel prepared to do so. He deserves friends, but I don't want to open my home that way right now, and I also feel like he's tired and overwrought (though sometimes also bored) after gan. I feel like he doesn't need playdates after spending most of the day in gan. So how do I reconcile his requests with what I think he needs, and my privacy and comfort?

amother

Tue, Mar 03 2020, 3:31 am

Rappel wrote:

Yes, this is my issue! He deserves friends, but it's so hard! My kid's not even bored though- he amuses himself beautifully almost the whole time. When he has a friend, he needs to worry about what that kid wants to do, too, so it's more difficult. I also am worried if I keep saying no, the kid will give up on my kid as a friend. I don't particularly like him or his influence on my son, but my son likes him, so I don't think I want that to happen (they play together in cheder). I considered inviting other kids instead, but this one lives the closest and is (obviously) always available.

Teomima

Tue, Mar 03 2020, 4:13 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It sounds like either the mom is using you for free babysitting, or isn't entertaining her kid enough so they want to come to you instead. Or else you just have a really lovely home that the kids feels happy in, that's quite a compliment.

But yes, there's nothing at all wrong with point blank telling the mom you love having her kid over but you need to cut down on the frequency. You can do whatever you like regarding scheduling, you can set a day of the week or just tell her you can't that day when she calls and you don't want to. There's nothing rude about not having a playdate, don't feel uncomfortable about being honest.

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Mar 03 2020, 4:28 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

OP, the other kid's mother is asking if her kid can play at your house? If that is the case, then you have a good out, ask that your kid play over there sometimes? I know it is very acceptable here in Israel for kids to ask if they can play at other's homes, why not do that, if the play dates at your home are too much for you?

amother

Tue, Mar 03 2020, 4:40 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

I'd be fine with that, but my son doesn't want to go! He says they have nothing to play with, which might be part of why her son loves coming here. She does offer to have my son over instead, I think because she feels funny always asking for hers to come here. But he never wants to. But she made it sound like it's so simple to have my son over, so I feel funny saying it's too much to have hers.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Mar 03 2020, 5:28 am

Does your son have some toys he can bring over in a bucket? As long as all the toys come back home in a bucket, that should be fine.

DD had a friend like that, who lived in a huge house, had a playroom all to herself, and every toy you could image. We had a tiny house, and DD had the toys she likes, but she didn't have the latest and best of everything. She learned to be responsible for her toys, to take them over, and to bring them home in good condition.