Daughter's friends -- how to be accommodating

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)

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amother

Mon, Mar 02 2020, 12:05 pm

My DD has two friends, one a year older, one a year younger, who live near us. They play together almost every shabbos. The older one has pretty severe ADD, although has not been officially diagnosed. The younger one can get explosive.

One time in October they both slept over. They were all still up at 11pm and finally settled down. In the morning the two sisters got into a huge fight and toys were flying across the room and we took them home.

Since then, when they come over it has been ok, and I give them a big talk about "no fighting." We tried another sleep over in February and the again, 11pm. The older one was up til 4am but the mother took her out of the room at 11:00.

This past shabbat they were both over and the younger one got upset about something and smashed a castle my DD had built out of blocks. She was sooo upset and crying and asked for her friend to go home. As I was getting them ready, the mom showed up and they took the younger one home.

We were chatting and she was suggesting more regular sleep overs. I was astounded. She was suggesting that we do them more and more so her older daughter would get acclimated to them and eventually be able to fall asleep at a normal time. That sounds well and good, but I don't need my daughter going to bed so late!! I am struggling here with balancing being a good friend/neighbor, understanding their needs, and also doing what's best for my kids.

My DD loves them and loves spending time with them, but not when they're fighting. Any advice appreciated, TIA!

amother

Azure

Mon, Mar 02 2020, 12:23 pm

Why do they NEED sleepovers? Why not just stick to play-dates? I don't allow sleepovers.

amother

Royalblue

Mon, Mar 02 2020, 12:28 pm

Your child comes first. If you still want to help that's okay, but make sure your decision is around what is best for your child. The other mother will put her kids first, but you need to step up for your child.

Chayalle

Mon, Mar 02 2020, 12:31 pm

I'd stick to daytime visits, and end them whenever they get aggressive (fighting, knocking things over, etc..means time to go home).

Another family's kid does not have to be "used to" sleeping in your home.

MiracleMama

Mon, Mar 02 2020, 12:33 pm

I didn't see your daughters age. That might make a difference for me about the staying up. And more than age, how well she functions with less sleep the next day and how easily she is able to get back to her normal sleep routine. If either is being affected (ability to function and ability to return to sleep schedule) I'd probably stop the sleepovers altogether except under special circumstances.

lcraighten

Mon, Mar 02 2020, 12:33 pm

At the end of the day you have to make sure that your decision puts your daughter's well-being and yours first. This mother is trying her best to make sure her children are well adjusted, and it's fine for you to help, as long as there is no negative impact on you. You don't have to feel guilty that you aren't helping this other kid, you have a priority to focus on your family.

By all means, help out if you want, but not at your family's expense.

amother

Ivory

Mon, Mar 02 2020, 2:50 pm

If you really want sleepovers, I would only have one of the sisters sleep over at a time. It will probably be a lot easier to manage. No need to make yourself crazy.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Mar 02 2020, 3:59 pm

You don't owe anyone anything. As everyone else has said, your children come first, and you are under no obligation to "sleep train" anyone else's kids at the expense of your own child's sleep. IMHO, that is just weird.

I only allowed sleepovers with well behaved girls, and DD could only go to well behaved families. I don't mind innocent late night giggling, but no shenanigans or fights. She also knew that one bad report from the host family, and she would lose her privilege for a long time, until she was more mature.

imasinger

Mon, Mar 02 2020, 4:36 pm

"I'm sorry, but these sleepovers have not been good for my DD's sleep schedule at all. We can still do them once in a while, as a special treat, when we feel up to it. Have you considered consulting with a pediatrician about the sleep issue?"

amother

Mon, Mar 02 2020, 4:42 pm

Yes I agree with all that’s said above. What happened was the mom was trying to convince me it was a great idea because we could alternate houses every week and then we could have a “break” every other week.
I felt bad— because she really needs a break. But I’m not having those kids sleep here 2x/month.

My daughter is 7 years old. She needs her sleep. I just sometimes feel I should be more emphatic. B”h k”ah my kids are very easy and I just don’t get what it’s like for these other parents.

amother

Mustard

Mon, Mar 02 2020, 4:47 pm

is there a reason why your daughter has to play with these children? Personally I don't put up with kids who even sometimes fight and throw toys. My kids know that playdates are only allowed if the kids play nicely. I'm not interested in refereeing.

amother

Mustard

Mon, Mar 02 2020, 4:49 pm

you can be empathetic without turning your life upside down. I feel for people with challenging kids, that doesn't mean I'm offering to babysit them. It sounds like the mother is being a little bit in denial of the fact that her kids a re a lot harder then yours.

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Mar 02 2020, 5:00 pm

She wants to do a kid-share. Communal raising of the kids?! Sleepovers are supposed to be treats not a lifestyle. Even if the girls were angels. Generally having kids sleep out of the house so often seems innapropriate to me.

I grew up in the sleepover culture. But in my current community it's not a popular thing to do and I'm grateful. I hated waking up in someone else's house. It felt wrong as a kid and now that I'm a parent I can't picture as more than a very very rare treat.

imasinger

Mon, Mar 02 2020, 5:50 pm

You don't need a break. And she does.

That's okay. Different people need different things.

As someone who rarely goes out for Shabbos because my kids are unpredictable, I feel for her; and yet, she's missing an important point.

Her kids need more structure in their own house, first and foremost.

You actually might not do her any favors if you were inclined to say yes.

amother

Mon, Mar 02 2020, 6:43 pm

imasinger wrote:

Thank you for saying this. I find myself judging her a lot, and then I feel bad for judging. I say to myself “if I were in her position, I would do x y and z” but the truth is, I don’t really know because I’m not actually in that situation.

I think then I feel guilty for judging her so I try to overcompensate.
They also do have our daughter at their house a lot, which I find much easier because they can intervene much more effectively than I can. Also I want to be taking my Shabbos nap, not breaking up fights!

amother

Teal

Mon, Mar 02 2020, 6:53 pm

she is using you to relieve herself from parenting.

She needs parenting classes, books, etc.

Not an innocent neighbor who doesn’t realize she’s being taken advantage of.

I don’t allow sleepovers, especially not with kids who fight.

Once in a while (maybe twice a year) I allow it only with perfectly behaving kids.

hodeez

Mon, Mar 02 2020, 6:53 pm

You sound like a really special person.

amother

Seagreen

Mon, Mar 02 2020, 6:59 pm

We used to have a friend's special needs child over for Shabbos periodically, to give them a break and to give my kids a playmate.

But she was very well behaved, if a bit immature.

I don't think I would have been as accommodating under the circumstances you describe.

There are many nice ways to say no. If you can't think of any, the wonderful ladies here can help. But you first need to decide that it is the answer you will give.

gibberish

Mon, Mar 02 2020, 7:01 pm

Yes, to all of the above. In addition 7 is way too young for sleepovers!

Chayalle

Mon, Mar 02 2020, 7:14 pm

No child needs weekly sleepovers. That is beyond ridiculous. I don't see any benefit in that for either of your children.

My DD has sleepovers maybe once or twice a year, and she's almost 12.

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