Daughter's friends -- how to be accommodating
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Post  Mon, Mar 02 2020, 7:15 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thank you for saying this. I find myself judging her a lot, and then I feel bad for judging. I say to myself “if I were in her position, I would do x y and z” but the truth is, I don’t really know because I’m not actually in that situation.

I think then I feel guilty for judging her so I try to overcompensate.
They also do have our daughter at their house a lot, which I find much easier because they can intervene much more effectively than I can. Also I want to be taking my Shabbos nap, not breaking up fights!

So you do get something out of the relationship. So stick to daytime play dates for now, but sometimes you host, sometimes her.
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Post  Tue, Mar 03 2020, 11:43 am
I really had no intention of continuing the sleepovers. The second one we did as an experiment because it was the older girl's birthday.
But after that, no more. I just needed some validation for my decision!

Ideally I would send my DD over there all the time, because the parents can discipline their own daughters. But I don't think that's equitable and I don't think they want that.
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Post  Tue, Mar 03 2020, 11:56 am
you have to decide which you'd prefer- having your daughter no longer play with them or have it split some time at one and some time at another. This would be just as a worse case scenario.

honestly unless the mother is in denial she knows that her children are challenging and would probably prefer playdates only at her house to none at all but you are taking the chance of her saying no playdates all together. personally I would look for new friends for my daughter. I would choose no playdates with these kids over some at my house. The amount of stress I would have from when they come wouldn't be worth it.

I would also make sure that the parent is really dealing with it at their house, that its a safe environment for my kid.

I also don't like feeling "pressured" to do stuff that I don't want. Don't know how pushy she was about doing playdates on a regualar basis.
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Post  Tue, Mar 03 2020, 3:42 pm
are you sure your daughter is witnessing proper parenting while at their house? if they are difficult and the parents need to intervene a lot it might not be as pretty as when you are watching. maybe check in with your daughter. I wouldn't not let my kid there but I wouldn't let it be a constant thing if I didn't like the environment.

as far as having them over, I'd try with 1 sister at a time for playdates and sleepovers and if that goes better then that's what I would do. also would she be willing to give her kids melatonin while at your house? that could maybe help with the sleep issue. but whatever you decide, sleepovers would def not be weekly for me, I would limit to special once in a while occasions.
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Post  Thu, Mar 12 2020, 2:30 pm
sounds like the mom needs a break. you are amazing for having them over as much as you do. you are not obligated in any way and don't feel pressure but when you do have them just think about the break you are allowing the mom and the whole family!
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Post  Thu, Mar 12 2020, 2:43 pm
It is really nice of you to have the kids over. I have an over energetic kid who is hosted by a very kind neighbor once a week for two hours. Oh is this break appreciated. Bless her heart.
You have no idea what chesed you are doing that woman. Although from your post it doesnt seem like she is viewing it that way. Make sure you view it as a chesed and do it only when you are up to it so you dont become resentful.
Some kids just take more (or all) energy than others. Its not always about parenting etc.

About the sleeping over part, if you ever feel up to it, would you consider having them over, sleeping in a separate room than your daughter? so its not viewed as a sleepover just as a chesed to her to give her a break. You can explain it to your daughter too.
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