DH made his mom cry and I feel terrible

amother

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 12:22 am

He didn't mean to. It started when she invited us for Shabbos and I was super excited to get a break. I asked dh but he said this week is particularly hard for him at work so he want to be home this week. So now she knows I was ok with going and will call him since I gave her heads up that he has a busy week and may come home a minute before shabbos. It ended really bad . She just go so ins ulted since he just said it's not a good week and didn't specify why (again)so she kept on persisting making him frustrated ( he's 40+ and still has to give reasons) to her that she will find ways to argue with. She really kept insisting and saying that he should really come and it's not nice...so he said you can come visit us anytime or maybe we can go a different time just not this week but his tone was frustrated and she didn't back down about him not caring etc..anyway she hung up in tears. And dh felt the guilt and he said next time you tell her I say no. She won't argue with you. She can be really pushy and make you feel guilty but she is very caring but I feel she needs to understand when her grown kids say something even if it isn't detail. Now what I feel bad for both. Can I help fix this?

amother

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 12:47 am

#BestBubby wrote:

Even if the Mother is being pushy and/or immature, she is still DH's Mother and he owes
her a debt he can never repay. Therefore, one must go out of one's way to avoid hurting
Mother and making her cry.

This callous and ungrateful attitude towards parents is from the secular culture and is not nice.

. Thanks for the responses. We are not ungrateful but she sometimes is so unbending that she kind of corner at you. I know what you mean about kids today being ungrateful but wouldn't you back down if your child said it's not gonna work ? Just because she cries does that make it ok?

amother

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 12:51 am

amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:

Your DH did nothing wrong. It seems like your MIL has some major issues. She might be a sweet person, however she can't force you to come. You & DH have no obligation to give a reason for not coming. You are entitled to your privacy, she has no right to even demand an explanation. She should just suck it up

. Thanks does have many issues and dh feels that because of her issues we all have to "keep the peace " . He actually want me to talk to her and help her understand boundaries. But I said no way!!! I don't think she will appreciate hearing that from her dil Wink

amother

Seashell

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 12:55 am

#BestBubby wrote:

This! Obviously DH is a spoilt child.
I feel for mil .
Let DH know his behaviour is wrong & yeah sometimes you must do things for your parents like a zillion things they did for you as a child even if they didn’t feel like it!
One day he will no longer be able to fulfil this mitzva of kibbud eim.
You’re a great dil btw. Don’t sort it out for him. Just tell him how wrong he is.

#BestBubby

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 1:00 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I am not like your MIL and am not pushy. But we have to be very careful to avoid hurting
parents (and everyone). Some people are born over-sensitive and it is a rachmonus on them.

Like I said earlier, knowing your MIL, it is probably better to say you're sick then hurt her.

amother

Red

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 1:05 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

or maybe she really really wanted you to come. if your DH is 40 that makes her at least 60. At a certain age when a person ages they stop with all the politically and socially "correct" ways of handling life and they simply feel emotions of what they want and in this case she wanted you guys to come for shabbos and was probably really looking forward to it.
you are blessed to have someone love you so much and really want you. You need to find a way to make mom happy now. and in the future find a more graceful way of saying no.

tichellady

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 1:18 am

amother [ Seashell ] wrote:

Kivud av veem doesn’t mean always doing what your parents want. Saying no to a parent doesn’t make someone a spoiled child. A healthy person doesn’t cry when a child says it’s not a good week to come for Shabbos

#BestBubby

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 1:29 am

tichellady wrote:

So if the mother is not well, it is ok to hurt her?

I see how mothers bend over backwards to avoid hurting their children's feelings - even when
the kids are being rotten, it's excused cuz the kids are ADHD, ODD or some other label.

So MIL suffers from SS (super-sensitivity) - show the same compassion you would show
a child with this affliction.

WhatFor

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 1:31 am

tichellady wrote:

This exactly. MIL sounds like she might be manipulative and controlling.

OP, I also think that DH should be handling this directly with his mother without you being middle woman. If he can't make it, why can't he tell her directly?

ETA: also, next time be careful before expressing interest in coming over before you consult DH. If it's a decision that involves him, he should have a say and the decision you present to MIL should be unified.

amother

Amber

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 3:05 am

It's hard to know what is really going on.
If you go regularly - whatever that means for you - then she is silly to cry for one time that it just doesn't work. I get the feeling that isn't the case here.
If you or dh often give vague excuses - you said he did not specify a reason - for not going then she is hurt and the tears are for the mother-son relationship not this particular refusal.
Also, as you mentioned, she knew you were OK, maybe even super excited to go and then came the rejection. I'll bet she feels a general rejection vibe coming from dh.
I would cry too. But probably after I hung up.

imasinger

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 6:45 am

Something seems off with this mother. Hard to tell from the internet whether she's just under some stress right now, or is always like this. If she's always like this, the two of you might want to do some reading. Here's a reasonable place to start:

https://www.amazon.com/When-Mo.....27234

If this isn't a regular occurrence, here's a suggestion.

An adult child saying, "I'm very sorry, but this isn't a good week for us to go, but you're welcome to come to us" shows plenty of kavod. But she kept pushing and insisting.

The place where DH went wrong was to finally lose it and snap at her. Wouldn't it work better to play her game, not in order to copy, but in order to validate?

"DS, you really should come. I want you, your DW wants to come, you won't even tell me why you won't do it."

"Ma, I'm sorry this isn't a good week for me. How about the Shabbos after Purim instead?"

"What's wrong with this week? Why won't you come? Just tell me!"

Now, at this point, change the game. (He can hand the phone back to you if he's too annoyed during a hard week to deal with her.)

"It sounds like it's really important to you that we come this week, not any other week. Can you share why that's so important to you?"

"Because you're just being so stubborn! You can't find it in you to come here for Shabbos?!"

"Of course I can, just not this week. But you still haven't told me why davka this week is so important to you. Are you okay? Is there some reason you particularly want company? Are you sure you don't want to join us here? We really care about you, and want to hear what's going on. Did you already start cooking? What's the issue? I'm sure we can work with it". Etc.

If she is the unhealthy type who would use an apology phone call to keep trying to manipulate him to say yes, he can wait until after Shabbos to make the apology phone call. But he should apologize for snapping.

Sorry you have to deal with all this drama, a busy and fed up DH, AND making Shabbos this week! Hope you get your break soon!

amother

Slateblue

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 7:14 am

OP, I dont know how many hours you work or if you work at all, but I'm the breadwinner and work many hours. I also cone home right before shabbos/Tom tov.

I understand how your dh cant physically go away. He is overworked right now and needs to say no(to his mom) because he needs to take care of himself.

It seems that his mom wont take no. And it seems his mom will "push away" any good reason dh gives. So, when relatives always tell you why your good reason is not good and then say "I'm insulted....", I think the best thing to do is DONT GIVE A REASON!!

Next time, just say "I'm sorry it won't work this week" and keep repeating.

Some posters here dont seem to have experience with relatives who wont take no for an answer. Yes, we need to honor parents but we also need to work to support our families financially and emotionally, so sometimes we cant say yes....