Errands on the way home from carpool

amother

Khaki

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 9:19 pm

You just have to say it, straight out.
"I really need my kids to come straight home after school."
You can put a qualifier, such as "because I need them to get their homework done by x time" or "I have own errands to run and I need to make xyz arrangements."

amother

Scarlet

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 9:39 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

When doing afternoon carpool, is it right to stop and do a quick errand if a teenager stays in the car with the kids?
My kids are complaining that the carpool driver does this from time to time and they need to sit in the car and do nothing for 15 minutes (they could be exaggerating).
We live very close to the school (less than 10 minutes).
Do my kids have a valid complaint? What's your opinion?

How long after dismissal time do they get home?

amother

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 9:52 pm

amother [ Scarlet ] wrote:

How long after dismissal time do they get home?

25-30 mintues. We are a 5 minute drive from school.

But maybe that don't always come out right away.

Also, many times she gets there late because she picks up a different child of hers before.
I'm an extremely punctual person so my kids aren't used to this.

avrahamama

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 9:57 pm

I dont think you need to give a reason why. I hate carpool so much. Mine is always consistently a half hour late to school. And I need that ride to school as I don't usually have the car and my husband can do the afternoon rides. But I need them. Wish I didn't need them but I do. They're nice people. They're kid just has a hard time getting out the door. Still we have to deal with it by being late.

But I remember there were actual halachot to carpool. In Binah magazine once. Wish I'd saved it and posted it to the class chat ....

I can't imagine this being ok. The morning carpool should get the child to school on time and the afternoon carpool should get the child home on time. I think it's only fair.

amother

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 10:08 pm

amother [ Khaki ] wrote:

Good point. Nobody would ever say it's ok to do on the way to school. So why is it ok on the way home? Just because there is no school to enforce a timely arrival?

You're right. But practically speaking, can I change it? She's a very laid back easygoing person. I don't think she'll think it's such a big deal.
And I do enjoy the benefit of only having to do 1 run a day not 2. My kids don't enjoy it though...

amother

Khaki

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 10:10 pm

Speak up and tell her.
And find someone else to carpool with next year.
I grew up carpooling. There were pretty strict unwritten rules. If somebody got a bad rep, nobody wanted to carpool with them. So they learned to abide by them or suffer the natural consequences.

amother

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 10:12 pm

amother [ Khaki ] wrote:

Argh I hate confrontation! I will try to speak up. But she's much older than me and I'm afraid she'll look at me like the young mother who's so overprotective of her kids...

amother

Papaya

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 10:13 pm

amother [ Khaki ] wrote:

This sounds like a situation where you can't rely on hints or beating around the bush. I think you need to say it straight out. "Can you try to make sure you come straight home from school without making any stops? I don't want my kids to have to wait an extra 15 minutes on the way."

In a case like this I would say something like, "Do you mind letting me know if you plan on stopping for errands on the way home and I'll pick up my kids instead."
She will likely understand the underlying message and not stop for errands.

avrahamama

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 10:16 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Argh I hate confrontation! I will try to speak up. But she's much older than me and I'm afraid she'll look at me like the young mother who's so overprotective of her kids...

So it's not about being overprotective of the kids. It's about treating the other person you've made the agreement with respect and fairly. Here is the agreement I get your child to school safely on time and you get our child home safely and on time.

In the mornings they need to get to school in time because I pay for my child to attend school for these hours. In the afternoon my child needs to come home after a full day of school and start her home routine. That's all.

With my older child this would have been a disaster. He haired using the school bathrooms and would run to the bathroom bwhen he got home.

amother

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 10:16 pm

amother [ Papaya ] wrote:

This is actually a very good idea. (I hope she's not on here!)
Because if I'm home I don't mind picking up my own kids if I know she'll be doing errands. And that also gives me the convenience of her picking up my kids when she isn't doing errands.
It's just that some days I work late (dh is home for the kids but without a car) and I can't afford to give up carpool completely.

amother

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 10:20 pm

avrahamama wrote:

Thank you. This thread is making me see it through my childrens' eyes and I see they're not so wrong for being bothered by it.

Regarding the bolded- yes! I'm very careful to leave my house early and get the kids to school on time. (Her kid is usually the one that keeps us waiting but we learned to accept that.)

amother

Magenta

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 10:22 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Truthfully most kids coming home on school buses very often don't come home within 25 minutes of dismissal time!!!
It's really not a big deal!
I would mention it but in a very gentle way, if she's really easy going she might not see it as a problem at all!!

thriver

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 10:25 pm

I’d recommend using the DBT “(Very) DEAR MAN” technique to state your needs:

(V validate)

D describe
E express
A assert
R reinforce

M man (stay)
A appear confident
N negotiate

For example:

I know we as mothers are so busy and I’m so happy that with carpool we can take turns getting the kids. Thank you for taking my kids home. I really appreciate it and I know it’s not easy to stop in the middle of the day to run out for carpool. I see it’s taking a while for my kids to get home from school and after a long day at school it’s difficult for them to have a long ride home. I need my kids to be home as soon as possible after school so we can transition more easily. My kids will be much happier and hopefully easier to deal with in the carpool. If you see that once in a while you need to run an errand, please let me know beforehand so that we can maybe work something out and I can figure out my options. Maybe on those days, I’ll pick them up myself.

Obviously tweak to what is relevant for you but I hope this helps you! Good luck!

amother

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 10:28 pm

thriver wrote:

Also very good. Thanks.

heidi

Thu, Mar 05 2020, 9:46 am

thriver wrote:

I’d recommend using the DBT “(Very) DEAR MAN” technique to state your needs:

(V validate)

D describe
E express
A assert
R reinforce

M man (stay)
A appear confident
N negotiate

For example:

I know we as mothers are so busy and I’m so happy that with carpool we can take turns getting the kids. Thank you for taking my kids home. I really appreciate it and I know it’s not easy to stop in the middle of the day to run out for carpool. I see it’s taking a while for my kids to get home from school and after a long day at school it’s difficult for them to have a long ride home. I need my kids to be home as soon as possible after school so we can transition more easily. My kids will be much happier and hopefully easier to deal with in the carpool. If you see that once in a while you need to run an errand, please let me know beforehand so that we can maybe work something out and I can figure out my options. Maybe on those days, I’ll pick them up myself.
Obviously tweak to what is relevant for you but I hope this helps you! Good luck!

Yeah, but no.
This isn't your kid and you're not this woman's therapist.
I need my kids to come home straight from school please.
The end.

trixx

Thu, Mar 05 2020, 10:24 am

heidi wrote:

Yeah, but no.
This isn't your kid and you're not this woman's therapist.
I need my kids to come home straight from school please.
The end.

Its extremely disrespectful and invalidating to the kids who have already voiced their unhappiness about it. Sorry but as someone above said - no it's not a case of "too bad this is what adults have to do". And it's not about raising snowflakes. The school day is hard and kids need to come home and unwind. And especially if you rlly need this lady's day, take care to address it before your kids rebel and refuse to continue going with her. I grew up carpooling and we were very vocal about the dirty smelly cars.

Be direct.
"ive noticed that on days you carpool my kids come home much later. I need my kids to come straight home (believe it or not, no you dont have to provide a reason!!) if you cant do that give me advance notice and ill get them myself."

amother

Thu, Mar 05 2020, 10:43 am

trixx wrote:

I usually strongly take my childrens preferences and requests into account. To the point where I'm doubting if I'm spoiling them too much.
That's why I was unsure if in this situation I should do something about it or try to teach them to suck it up even if it's not the most pleasant.

Ema of 5

Thu, Mar 05 2020, 10:57 am

I may not necessarily have an issue with stopping to do errands, but I do have an issue with not knowing when it will be, or for how long. Sometimes I need my kids home. Sometimes, after a long day in school, my kids don’t want to be in the car any longer than they have to be. If I knew for sure errands would be every Wednesday, or every other Wednesday, I could remind my kid in the morning “don’t forget, carpool today is going to take a little longer, because driver x has to do an errand. Do you want to take an snack and/or drink for the car, so you don’t get hungry/thirsty while you are waiting?”
My issue here is with the lack of communication, not necessarily with the action.

octopus

Thu, Mar 05 2020, 2:02 pm

No, it's not fair, especially if you don't know about it in advance. What if you have an appointment or a tutor coming to the house? What if you want your child to settle down for 20 minutes at home before leaving to appointment or unwind before the tutor arrives?? I don't care if she downplays it as "not a big deal." Doesn't matter. To you it is a big deal. She should get with the program.