Anybody horrified with mishpachas short serial re. moving

amother

Turquoise

Mon, Mar 09 2020, 11:27 am

amother [ Hotpink ] wrote:

Oh.
I think there is something wrong with a man who insists on uprooting his wife and children because he is feeling unfulfilled and wants to try something new but has very little by way of guarantee that he will LOVE his next position and then reneges on what they agreed upon without expressing remorse or offering to re-work the deal. I think it was implied in the story that the guy is kind of a jerk. Or certainly that's what I inferred.

I also think he's a jerk, but the wife doesn't seem to think that.

She's upset at him, but at the end "works on herself" to see the good and how she could support her husbands desires best.

amother

Mon, Mar 09 2020, 11:39 am

amother [ Copper ] wrote:

Somehow if it were the husband sacrificing for his wife, the story feels sweet and wonderful.
Imagine this
"We lived in a beautiful community but my wife just wasn't happy. She was offered her dream job in a new community. I decided that her happiness was the most important thing for me, so I would do whatever it takes to make it work.
The move was difficult for me and sometimes I felt overwhelmed, but I truly believe that this is what Hashem wants from me right now.
We had agreed that the car would be "mine" and I started feeling resentment whenever she needed the car to get to work. I decided to tell her to feel free to use the car as often as she needed it. It wasn't easy, but I know it meant the world to her. Later that week, our contractor gave me an expensive gift because his mother knows my wife and respects her immensely. I felt like that gift was a hug from Hashem during a difficult time. "

A family is a team and in this case there are many more parts than just the husband and the wife.
A team needs a proper support system- community.
A team needs a base- a home.
A team needs for all of its members to feel satisfied emotionally.
When one party is not happy there needs to be a discussion on what price will be paid.
On one hand there is one party's unhappiness and on the other hand there are many many many other loses.
These loses were given exactly two lines in the first chapter.
I was not horrified by the fact that a change was made for the sake of the happiness of one person.
Rather I was shocked at the lack of conversation, the lack of acknowledgment of what was at stake.

A Great community, home and schools is SUUUUUCH A big deal for the familial team, that most healthy parents will live with a mediocrely satisfying job if they could have all of those things.

amother

Copper

Mon, Mar 09 2020, 11:47 am

amother [ Turquoise ] wrote:

It feels sweet because... it would never happen.

Husband is happy with shul, community, school, lovely house that he owns, and wife just isn't so content... and they move?

Umm, yeah it's sweet because it only happens in story books.

In real life, the wife would just make do and learn to like the place and if she'd express a desire to move, she'd be told "but your husband and kids are so happy here! You have everything you need! Why in the world should you move? What makes you think you'll like that place better over this one?"

This is what would happen.

Why is a fairy tale when the husband sacrifices, but a horror story when the wife does?

heidi

Mon, Mar 09 2020, 4:34 pm

rae wrote:

I’m having a problem because we don’t live in a world where HaShem gives immediate rewards. Oh, I made a good sacrifice so therefore, I’m going to win the Chinese auction, my daughter is going to get into the top seminary she wanted...... The reality is HaShem wants us to do the next right thing and we usually don’t see the benefits right away. We are supposed to work in our emunah but this feels a little unrealistic. Like hey, I’m going to give away my last dollar in my savings account and I saw Yad HaShem and won the lottery.....

This.
The writer portrays herself as some sort of major tzadekkes.
Hashem is rewarding her with free electric work and free ovens. Really?!?!

heidi

Mon, Mar 09 2020, 4:49 pm

amother [ Copper ] wrote:

Why is a fairy tale when the husband sacrifices, but a horror story when the wife does?

Bcz, in my experience, the wife's happiness in the community is vastly more important than the husband's.
A man needs a chevra at shul. Maybe a chavrusa or a tennis partner.
That's about it.
A woman needs to feel part of the whole community.
The neighbors, the school, the shul. A beautiful house certainly doesn't hurt.
As someone whose husband left a community where he was really happy bcz I was dying inside, I can honestly say that our relationship is better, our home is happier bc I am so much happier now.
So a husband uprooting his family out of what sounds like a happy, secure place sounds super selfish.

amother

Orange

Mon, Mar 09 2020, 5:00 pm

amother [ Copper ] wrote:

Why is a fairy tale when the husband sacrifices, but a horror story when the wife does?

Because the wife sacrificing hits too close to home. It's what we women have been conditioned to do for millennia. It's something many women still struggle with every day; too many women are still programmed to let the husband's desires rule the household.

As for a husband giving up everything for his wife, it's far more rare. Men aren't conditioned to erase themselves that way. It seems like a romantic fairy tale to some, just like a man rescuing a damsel a distress is a romantic fairy tale. It's pure fantasy.

Personally I dont idealise either side giving up everything. It always comes with a price.

amother

Turquoise

Mon, Mar 09 2020, 5:58 pm

amother [ Orange ] wrote:

exactly this.

It's sweet as a fairy tale because it never happens.

But the way it's happening really does happen, and it's awful that they are continuing to perpetuate that this is completely normal.

amother

Copper

Mon, Mar 09 2020, 6:22 pm

amother [ Orange ] wrote:

We'll have to agree to disagree. I don't see evidence of her erasing herself. Nor do I think that she has to worry about what generations of women have been "conditioned" to do. Deciding to do something that will make your spouse happy is your choice and your choice alone. I don't care if you are a man or woman or how society views your choices.

I trust that she's an intelligent woman and made her decision rationally. I don't know if I would make the same choice, but that's what literature is about; reading about lives and experiences that are different from mine.

mamma llama

Mon, Mar 09 2020, 6:32 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It would be such a story if it were such a story. But its not.
Not once was there any indication of anything being 'wrong' with the husband. No mention of bad middos or the affect this decision has on any of the kids. Only a woman who has to work on herself to no end in order to be a good supportive wife

I think a lot of good authors allow the readers to decide for themselves. It would become very redundant if it were spelled out for us that the husband has bad middos. We readers are smart enough to figure that out! Wink

amother

Burgundy

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 2:51 pm

behappy2 wrote:

I didn't read the story but what's wrong wth sacrifice for another person as long as you can handle it.

Sacrifice is fine if it's fully voluntary. If you say to your spouse, "I know you prefer it this way and I prefer it a different way, and I am willing to do this your way", that is different from if your spouse makes the decision on his own and you force yourself to accept it.

amother

Oak

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 4:38 pm

amother [ Brown ] wrote:

I didn’t read this. Is it non-fiction?

I always assume these serials are based on a true experience but heavily changed to protect privacy as well as to heighten the drama and make it into a story rather than a convoluted string of events. So no reason to take it so literally in any case.

ruchelbuckle

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 8:26 pm

amother [ Khaki ] wrote:

Oh my, I was SURE this week's was a purim spoof - I had to reread it to make sure, but I decided it was - you're telling me it wasn't? That was really one of Hashem's "hugs?" I don't believe it. I thought it was all a joke.

Me too! I thought this past weeks installment was a Purim spoof- especially since it was right after that spoof on labelling the stuff in your fridge.