Who goes to who? | Imamother

amother

Dodgerblue

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 10:22 pm

amother [ Babypink ] wrote:

We give to teachers and Rebbeim in school. There's no mitzvah to stress on Purim day.
Purim should be for friends and family.

And for the kids. Who dress up and want to show off to their rebbeim and morahs. DH is challishing the kids should give MM's in school, but they want to go on Purim. Purim is the only day in the year we put our kids first and let them feast on sugar and be merry. It's the kind of YT that gets less fun as we get older....

amother

Peach

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 11:07 pm

amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:

So depending in location of drive or # of children you have , you let each give only 1-2 on Purim day so you have time for other people you want to spend time with.

amother

Gold

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 11:12 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I wish my dh could think along those lines.
I must say it’s very healthy thinking and I do agree. But still.... there is a tugging in my conscience saying that once a year (or twice, erev yom kipper) kids should come to parents.

We do have a very open relationship. My kids come over all the time and I go see them every week by myself.

This is off-topic but OP, my jaw just dropped.

I visit my parents on Purim (and work hard to do so). But erev Yom Kippur is a blur and although I
I call parents, in-laws and grandparents, I can not begin to imagine visiting them. Even at 15 minutes to drive, 15 minutes there, 15 minutes drive back, that's 45 minutes. For each set of parents, that's an hour and a half on a day that I don't have a minute to spare.

I've never heard of this notion of visiting parents on erev Yom Kippur, and I really hope that my parents (and in-law) haven't heard of it either. And maybe the way I feel about erev Yom Kippur your DIL feels about Purim?

amother

Blush

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 11:13 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My dh is very upset every year when our dil states we should drop by if we happen to be in the area instead of other way around.
He is normally very easy going but this is a big deal in his eyes.

I don’t know. I know in theory it makes sense why my dil says. But my dh feels it’s not good chinuch - kids should know that they should make tome on Purim to see their parents. Even if it’s only 15 min.

I agree 100% with this. It doesnt matter who is busier. It doesnt matter who has more time. Parents are parents and children need to make time to visit the most important people in their lives who also happened to give them life. and you show your kids that this is a priority. We go to visit Rebbi and Morah and we go to visit Bubby and zaidy. When the children see this they will one day do the same.
also any adult child that values going to visit their parents on Purim , it shows that they also value their parents in other parts of life.

amother

Seagreen

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 11:13 pm

Mommyg8 wrote:

So she has to go to all the Rebbeim but can't find time to go to her In laws? What an interesting order of priorities.

Well yeah, actually. Our kids’ underpaid, self-sacrificing and overworked teachers deserve our hakaras hatov. I understand the kibud av aspect but I believe the hakaras hatov debt is just as strong, towards the people who actually spend the most time with (and do the most for) our kids.

amother

Blush

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 11:15 pm

keym wrote:

Here's my take.
It might be more "right" for your DIL to come to you.
But it's possible that she actually doesn't have 15 minutes to spare.
I know we have 4 Rebbis, 8 Morahs and English teachers, 2 principals (with strong relationships with my kids) and they all live on all 4 corners of the city and have different hours.
Add mitzvos hayom, delivering to some neighbors, feeding the kids real food, diapers, warming up seudah food, mincha, and TRAFFIC, we don't have 15 minutes.
I would not even be able to make it if my in-laws demand it.
And I would be very resentful if my in-laws stood on principle, were able to come to me but refused.
That's just my opinion.

what a shame. You prioritize morahs and rebbis and neighbors over your own parents.

amother

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 11:17 pm

amother [ Blush ] wrote:

Thank u for posting this.
It means a lot.
To the a mother freaking out about my erev yom kipper visit, my ds comes with my grandchildren so that my dh can bench them.
My dil doesn’t come.

amother

Peach

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 11:20 pm

So if dil is trying to include you by inviting, can it be the grandchildren really really really want to go to all the teachers/ friends and is Purim really not all about the kids? Do they ever eat the seuda w you? Honestly, if this is just part of an overall good relationship I'd advise you to be Dan l'kaf zechus. If its part of they keep far from you normally I can hear how this makes it worse. I hope you saw your kids today and enjoyed them, that is the main thing.

pause

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 11:26 pm

keym wrote:

I'd say skip the Enlgish teachers and the principals and make time for your parents. You can send those to cheder before or after Purim or go on Ta'anis Esther with the kids dressed up. PRIORITIES, people!

imasinger

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 11:32 pm

It seems to me that different families might have different ideas. That's beside the point.

The point is the communication.

If parents/IL's say, "it's really important to me that you come to visit twice a year", and the kids live reasonably nearby, then the kids should make the effort and come. Because that particular thing matters so much to that family.

In some families, it's the pre-Shabbos or daily phone call. In others, it's attending every family simcha. In others, it's participating in a family reunion, or sending cards or gifts, or something else. A parent's highly significant expectations may be a sign of that parent's love language.

But as long as the request is doable, why on earth wouldn't a caring child make the effort to do it?

I'm glad they came over, OP. And I hope your DH can impress on DS how much this matters to him, and that no matter how busy they are, DS and DIL hear that message.

amother

Ginger

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 11:49 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I agree with your husband. In this case, it's not about who is busier. It's just basic derech eretz to visit parents on Purim. The parents should be the first and most important stop.
Who cares that its "obligatory"? Would you say to a rebbe or teacher that the kid coming on purim is "obligatory" so therefore you shouldn't want it?

amother

Mint

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 11:56 pm

Wholeheartedly agree with OP
Its basic respect to go visit parents and in laws on a holiday especially a merry one like Purim. Also considering her son and dil were passing Op’s house on the way to sons in laws they should at least stop by for a few 15 min by OP just to say hi and show off the costumes op bought

amother

Ginger

Wed, Mar 11 2020, 12:00 am

amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:

WHOA I almost didn't post because I was 100000% sure you were my mother! Until you posted about your DIL, and my mom doesn't have any DILs yet. You even wrote it how she speaks/writes! Whoa.

K now for my answer, I think the parents who have less going on should go and visit, as long as everything was communicated and explained in a nice, respectful manner. Driving around town delivering a gazillion MMs takes forever and traffic is a disaster. The fewer stops you have to make, the easier!

Freilichin!

Hello, WHY are all the gazillion MM trips more important than your mother/in laws?????
I live in a different state than my in laws and parents, but if I lived within 2 hours driving, they would be my priority over every other person. (My siblings who live 2 hours away visit the first night of Purim)
I literally don't understand all the posters who are saying that it would be "nice" for mother in law to say she will come to them??
Sorry, OP, either your daughter in law is lacking basic common sense/chinuch, and your son can't fight her in this, or there's more to the story that we don't know.
Where is your son in all this?? Why doesn't he insist on bringing the kids?

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Mar 11 2020, 12:04 am

Whow...
I never lived near my in laws and I only lived near my parents for a few years. During those years, my parents always visited us. We seved lunch and we had a nice visit.

What's the big deal? It's disrespectful for my parents to have to come? If they are able bodied and it's easier, so what's the big deal?

Growing up, we never lived near grandparents so we never saw them on Purim.

Yikes.

amother

Ginger

Wed, Mar 11 2020, 12:05 am

amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:

I think I qualify to answer...

I'm a mother of 14 bli eyin hora, 4 marrieds, 9 in school, and have a nursing infant too!. Between morahs, rebeiim, mechitunim, neighbors and bosses, megilla and suedos, nursing and diapering, 24 hours just doesn't do it! So thank Hashem for my wonderful parents who come to us. After a few years of them visiting, it turned out in their favor as we now host the extended family Purim seuda while my parents enjoy the nachas without having as to lift a finger.

My in laws is a different story. They live a 2 hour drive away and for the life of them can't understand why we can't make time to come to them on Purim, in the morning, no less! They host the morning seuda and are upset year after year that we don't show up. My MIL has never in her married life left the house on Purim other than to shul for megilah reading. She is totally clueless what it takes to push into this day PLUS an hour drive each way.

If you are my mil, sorry mommy, I'd love to join, if Purim would have been 2 days....

I have time to post a reply because I'm taking a break now to nurse while dh is out davening mincha at the rabbi's house. Then we are off hosting the chevra!

When I was growing up, my grandparents lived 2 hours away..my parent always drove in for the first night. Maybe that is something you could do, if you can't go on purim day?

amother

Firebrick

Wed, Mar 11 2020, 12:13 am

amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:

Hakaros Hatov has nothing to do with Purim. Purim is all about the poor, friends and family. You have 364 other days of the year to show Hakores Hatov. So just pick any of those, and give your self-sacrificing, under-appreciated parents the derech eretz and respect they so rightly deserve.

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Mar 11 2020, 12:23 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thank u for posting this.
It means a lot.
To the a mother freaking out about my erev yom kipper visit, my ds comes with my grandchildren so that my dh can bench them.
My dil doesn’t come.

What does your son do for parnasa? Is he in "kodesh?"
Most men have to work on erev yk and barely make it home to shower/go to the mikvah and eat the meal. For many people, this isn't possible. Either mom also works or she is cooking and bathing the kids, etc.

Again, the idea of driving to grandparents on erev yk is foreign to me. We always call.