Who goes to who? | Imamother

amother

Firebrick

Wed, Mar 11 2020, 12:24 am

amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:

I think I qualify to answer...

I'm a mother of 14 bli eyin hora, 4 marrieds, 9 in school, and have a nursing infant too!. Between morahs, rebeiim, mechitunim, neighbors and bosses, megilla and suedos, nursing and diapering, 24 hours just doesn't do it! So thank Hashem for my wonderful parents who come to us. After a few years of them visiting, it turned out in their favor as we now host the extended family Purim seuda while my parents enjoy the nachas without having as to lift a finger.

My in laws is a different story. They live a 2 hour drive away and for the life of them can't understand why we can't make time to come to them on Purim, in the morning, no less! They host the morning seuda and are upset year after year that we don't show up. My MIL has never in her married life left the house on Purim other than to shul for megilah reading. She is totally clueless what it takes to push into this day PLUS an hour drive each way.

If you are my mil, sorry mommy, I'd love to join, if Purim would have been 2 days....

I have time to post a reply because I'm taking a break now to nurse while dh is out davening mincha at the rabbi's house. Then we are off hosting the chevra!

This works well when your parents are elderly, or you're ready to host the extended family for them instead. And that conversation can go very well and respectfully" - Hi Mommy, I'd love to relieve the strain on you for Purim. Why don't you come over to our house, and we'll host the partying along with the extended family for you. This way you can relax and truly enjoy the day".

That sounds very different - that I'm so busy visiting all the Rebbes, Teacher, mechutunim, neighbors and bosses, that I don't have any time to spare for you..

If anyone can't host the extended family for their parents, why are they expecting the parents to come to their house? Don't the parents have other kids/family coming to them as well? How are they to juggle the trips to their kids houses, when those very kids are running around to all the "Rebbes, Teachers, Mechutunim,, Neighbors and bosses". Are they to call in advance to schedule a time slot with you, or should they spend hours on the phone coordinating schedules with all of their kids? And should they be the ones navigating the stand-still traffic, or should the younger generation be doing that?

Furthermore, why do the Rebbes, Teachers, Mechutunim, neighbors and bosses come before your own parents? Bring the MM to the bosses at work. Drop the neighbors MM off on Taanis Esther. Send the teachers and Rebbes MM to schools and send your Mechutunim's MM to their house with your married kids. Then you'll have plenty of time to gladden the hearts of your in-laws on Purim.

It all comes down to PRIORITIES!! What an upside-down world we live in!

amother

Mistyrose

Wed, Mar 11 2020, 12:26 am

As a member of the younger generation I wouldn’t dream of asking parents to come to us. For teachers and rebbeim we send to school or go on Taanis Esther in order to leave time for family and friends on Purim. The kids can give only to friends who they can walk to Purim morning. That said, my parents and in-laws used to live in the same city, around an hour away from us, and we always spent roughly half of Purim there. This year my parents chose to come to our town, so going to my in-laws got complicated. We went in at night for my in-laws but we were discussing that if my parents continue coming to us we would offer to host my in-laws as well, which would make things much easier. If it wouldn’t work for them though, I can’t see myself ever saying we won’t do the hour-drive to visit them.

amother

Ginger

Wed, Mar 11 2020, 12:28 am

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

What does your son do for parnasa? Is he in "kodesh?"
Most men have to work on erev yk and barely make it home to shower/go to the mikvah and eat the meal. For many people, this isn't possible. Either mom also works or she is cooking and bathing the kids, etc.

Again, the idea of driving to grandparents on erev yk is foreign to me. We always call.

I agree with OP about erev Yom kippur, except I think it could happen a day or two before. As a child, my parents always took us to be benched by our grandparents, but since we lived far, we went a few days earlier. Calling is not the same, unless you live too far.

amother

Seagreen

Wed, Mar 11 2020, 12:39 am

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

Hakaros Hatov has nothing to do with Purim. Purim is all about the poor, friends and family. You have 364 other days of the year to show Hakores Hatov. So just pick any of those, and give your self-sacrificing, under-appreciated parents the derech eretz and respect they so rightly deserve.

Purim is as much about hakaros hatov as it is about kibud av, seeing as it’s technically about neither (they are neither one part of the mitzvot of Purim.) And who are we to decide which Mitzvah is of higher “priority”, to all those saying to “get your priorities straight”?

“Going to visit your parents” is not one of the four Mitzvot of Purim, so excuse me if I spend my effort and energy FIRST trying to do my Mishloach Manot, prepare and serve my Seudah, hear the Megillah, get my children to do all those mitzvot, and THEN if I have time, visiting my parents.

You can literally visit your parents 364 other days of the year, but there’s only one day you can justifiably visit your child’s teacher’s house and give them an appreciative gift for all the hard work they do for our children on a daily basis.

amother

Firebrick

Wed, Mar 11 2020, 12:47 am

amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:

Purim has zero to do with Hakaros HaTov and it's a mitzvah not dependent on a time and place. Kibud Av is one of the Aseres Hadibros and is situational and very dependent on the circumstances. In other words, you can absolutely fulfill the mitzvah of Hakaros Hatov in its fullest at any other time or place, No so much with Kibud Av on Purim if your parents will feel disrespected and saddened at the lack of your presence on this very day.

And really - there is only one day of the year where you can justifiably give a teacher an appreciative gift for the hard work?? Really??

amother

Ginger

Wed, Mar 11 2020, 12:57 am

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

Very well said!!
Remember, the mitzva of MM is giving two foods to ONE person. That's all. You dont need to give to your 30 neighbors and 20 friends. And you can fulfill the mitzva by giving MM to your parents.
My parents may expect certain things of me that are hard, but it's my job to try to meet those expectations. Not talking about an abusive situation or anything extreme. If OPs children know this is important to them, this is their mitzva for the day.

amother

Apricot

Wed, Mar 11 2020, 1:37 am

I’m just trying to figure out - as someone who ran around all day today - isn’t it complicated to have your parents visit when you are all home?
What do you do - give them a time - appt? Like come at 1:50 after mincha? Otherwise you might not even be home when they come.
That sounds more stressful to me then just stopping by there when I’m that side of town.
And to DILs if you can find the time to go to your parents you should find the time to go to your ILs.

Most of my married nieces and nephews made the effort to come to us today. We were wondering if we should go to them first. We have many school age and baby children ourselves. We tried some but missed most of them anyways.

amother

Aquamarine

Wed, Mar 11 2020, 7:08 am

Editing my post because between reading this yesterday and replying today I forgot who was whom.
The post I'm editing was really geared to all the people who were coming down on kids who don't feel able to get to parents. And I think we can be dlkz them. The kids might be overwhelmed, they might have friends whose parents are actually helping them with mm delivery, etc. That's the dlkz part. Dlkz comes in in a situation where you might think, what bratty kids, how can we judge them kindly, when there really is room to do so.

But I'm deleting that because it's not helpful for OP, who has very understandable expectations.
OP, I'm sorry for your frustration.

And thanks Imasinger

amother

Wed, Mar 11 2020, 7:48 am

amother [ Apricot ] wrote:

That’s what I think too.
My dil said that her day on Purim is super stressful & busy. But if we chose to come, say 10:00 am, they are ready to drop everything & even serve us a meal.
But in reality I don’t see that even feasible.
& that’s so not the important issue.
Anyway, we saw them for 10’min. Had a l’chiam, danced a bit. It all took less than 15 min. All fine. But I can tell she was a little upset. It’s ok though. Btw not only was it on the way to her parents, they had a few MM of teachers in our neighborhood. So they had to come here anyway.

Also the poster who asked If my son is in kodesh, no - he is self employed and makes sure his erev yom kipper has a few extra min to get benched from his father B’H. It literally takes 5 min.

amother

Wed, Mar 11 2020, 12:37 pm

amother [ Apricot ] wrote:

DH and I both save a vacation day for Eruv Yom Kippur. (And I have very few days - when I only had 10 vacation days I didn’t, but once I went up to 15 and had more kids I started).
My DH treats Eruv Yom Kippur like a yom tov. We eat 2 full formal yom tov Suddos. Go to local grand parents for brachos. Call all oot grand parents. Kapparos. Early long mincha in Shabbos clothing. it’s just part of the schedule.

DH would rather not go on vacations (summer or winter) and use the day for erev Yom Kippur.

👍🏻👍🏻

ora_43

Wed, Mar 11 2020, 12:41 pm

amother [ Ginger ] wrote:

.... on top of hearing the megilla twice, each, having a seuda, creating and delivering MM, and giving matanot l'evyonim.

Plus of course getting the kids dressed up, feeding them, bathing them, putting them to bed, taking them to Purim parties, helping them deliver their own MM, and a dozen other things that are part of gidul banim/ chinuch on Purim.

Just hearing the megillah can be 4 hours, easy; 3 for the seuda; 2 for davening; 2 for delivering MM and matanot l'evyonim even if you do the minimal version some posters here are suggesting; and let's not forget that if OP's grandkids are little it might take an hour just to get everyone in shoes and out of the house.

If OP's dil (or her son, who - and I know I'm sounding like a broken record here - is just as much a part of this) were writing in I might agree with you, but since it's OP, my vote is still for "don't give them yet another mitzva that has to be done EXACTLY NOW on this one specific day, Purim is beyond hard enough already with little kids."

Kids should worry about kibud av v'em. Parents, OTOH, should worry about making sure their kids feel loved and respected and heard, and being flexible with How Things Are Done in the name of mutual trust and affection can go a long way.

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Mar 11 2020, 12:56 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

No it doesn't.

Getting all my kids in the car takes 45 min. Nurse the baby, change 2 diapers, find shoes, buckle, buckle, buckle. Actually, 45 min is probably too short for all that.

Then drive. Lets just say 15 min each way.

If you say the visit is 5 min, oookkaaay. I will go with that even though I doubt it.

45 min prep plus 30 min travel plus 5 is 80 min. Almost an hour and a half. On erev yk? One of the busiest days of the year? When I need to cook, clean, bathe and give 2 kids naps. I don't think you are bringing honor by expecting that.

And its great your son has a flexible job. Mine doesn't. In the middle of yuntif season, he can't take off ANOTHER day.

Leave your kids alone. As long as they visit you enough, don't expect specific days- esp the busiest days of the year. BH my parents don't have these expectations.

Just let it go, OP.

amother

Babypink

Wed, Mar 11 2020, 2:19 pm

amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:

And for the kids. Who dress up and want to show off to their rebbeim and morahs. DH is challishing the kids should give MM's in school, but they want to go on Purim. Purim is the only day in the year we put our kids first and let them feast on sugar and be merry. It's the kind of YT that gets less fun as we get older....

The kids dress up Taanis Esther and are more than proud to show their Rebbes the costume then.
I don't get this obsession with shuffling children to Rebbes and Morahs ON Purim Day.

We had such a relaxed Purim this year. And it included driving an hour and half to one set of parents' meal.
The other set lives further away so we went this past shabbos instead.

amother

Dodgerblue

Wed, Mar 11 2020, 2:52 pm

amother [ Ginger ] wrote:

When I was growing up, my grandparents lived 2 hours away..my parent always drove in for the first night. Maybe that is something you could do, if you can't go on purim day?

MIL makes only one seuda on Purim, midday at 1:00, nisht aher nisht aheen for long distance travel. We have tried in the past visiting Purim in the afternoon.We were met with lights off, floors washed, kitchen cleared and with an expression that clearly said "we'd rather you not stopby at this time". We even had to fetch my fil from bed once! So we stopped going. We stay local and my parents come to us while we host. On the off years that my parents can't make it to us, they visit us before Purim, give gelt for us and the kids and spend some time together. They specifically don't expect us to drive to to them.

Just as a note, our parents and in laws are not elderly, they are in their 60's, young, vibrant and healthy.

amother

Wed, Mar 11 2020, 5:16 pm

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

I think you’re the one who needs to let it go.
I wasn’t even TALKING about erev Yom Kippur originally. And someone just asked me about what my son does. If he’s in kodesh, which he’s not. Sheeeesh