When a family member "steals" your baby name

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, May 03 2020, 7:02 am

I gave birth several months before my sister (she knew my baby's name before she found out her baby's gender).

This sister has a tendency to copy everything I do, and it drives me mad.

When we gave the name I asked specifically that she should not copycat and she promised she wouldn't.

Well guess what she did, with a token additional name that never gets used. Let's say my baby has 3 names, hers has 4 (first 3 after a the same person I named after, 4th after someone else), she uses all three of the first names and chose the exact same nickname as I did.

When relatives called her child a different nickname (Sara Chana Malka Chava, mine is nicknamed Sari so they called hers Chani so they wouldn't get mixed up) she and her husband refused, saying they don't like Chani (or Malki or Chavi) and to please call her baby only Sari.

So now my child and her child have the same name (she doesn't use Chava - our parents don't like it so they pressured her into dropping it for day-to-day things) and the same nickname.

Yes, I am mad, and I think rightfully so. If she wanted to name after the same person, she didn't need to also choose the same relatively uncommon nickname instead of one of the others she could've chosen.

I think your case is different because you were due around the same time, so maybe just explain that you were also planning to give this name, give it, but don't give an identical nickname.

Most families where several children are named after the same relative (which is common enough), each has their own nickname, to avoid confusion. (All our relatives have to say "Brachi's Sari" and "Shira's Sari" when talking about either one of them. Which is really stupid and if someone forgets to specify it causes confusion. Just....why??)

amother

Indigo

Sun, May 03 2020, 7:07 am

I had a double name chosen for my baby, I'll say it was Yehuda Sholom as an example. Yehuda was chosen and Sholom was a relative.
My SIL had a baby first and named him Yehuda Sholom! I told her right away that it was the name I was planning on using if we had a boy! We said we'll see what happens when my baby is born because I hadn't found out the gender. I ended up having a girl so it was fine.

A few years later, I had a boy. During the pregnancy, I had my heart set on Yehuda again but this time, I felt like the name should be Yehuda Baruch after a different relative.
When he was born, we named him Yehuda Baruch so there are now 2 cousins a few years apart called Yehuda but I don't think anyone cares and we can use the second name to differentiate between them.

I didn't ask my SIL permission but she didn't seem to mind and if anything "big Yehuda" was so excited that the new baby had the same name as him.

amother

Natural

Sun, May 03 2020, 9:38 am

The idea that a name can be stolen is the most ridiculous thing ever, especially in a Jewish family where it's standard for cousins to have the same name. My husband has 4 cousins with the same name as him, and since FIL is one of 5 brothers, they all have the same last name too. One of those cousins has a child with the same name as one of our kids, so even more fun! We have a (obviously not the real name) Yaakov Yisrael ben Avraham Yitzhak and so do they. And same last name too. Just name the kid what you want. You don't even need to ask permission. If anyone doesn't like it, that's a them problem, not a you problem.

amother

Taupe

Sun, May 03 2020, 1:09 pm

amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:

All of my sisters have Yosef’s, 3 are called Yosef and 2 are called by their other name.
We have a few of Chaim’s (not named after the same people, both called Chaim) and a few Shimons name with different second names but all called Shimon.

So it’s Yosef “Cohen” and Yosef “Levi” etc.

Most of them are actually similar ages... (Let’s say most of the Yosef are teens, most of the shimons are 2-3 etc.)

I don’t think anyone asked permission.

No one owns a name.

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, May 03 2020, 1:20 pm

amother [ Taupe ] wrote:

Sure I know families like that too. But at least in our circles they all go by different versions of the name (Yossi, Yosef, Yossele, and Chaim, Chaimke, Chai, Shimon, Shimmy). So maybe it varies by community. In my community same name is common, same nickname is absolutely not. Especially when the nickname is anyways a very uncommon nickname.

Sari is not the most common nickname for Sara. More common are Sarale and Suri.

And also in our family protocol is to ask if there is a relative who has not yet been named after before naming after a relative who has already been named after. We were the first to name after this relative, who passed away several years before. Family protocol would have my sister asking to see if a different relative needed to be named after. Which is also what I did with each of my kids and what our parents and aunts and uncles did with each of theirs.

So yes this is a slightly different case and the particulars that I mentioned (like my parents saying the 4th name was unacceptable because it was from another side that they didn't like and pressuring to drop it) and the insistence on davka the nickname we chose (they could've just called her Sara, or used Surela, Suri, Sarale, Sara Chana, etc.) confused and upset not just me but several other family members. Like I said we were not the ones to nickname her child Chani, other relatives (several) did that because it is standard, and were confused and upset when the parents insisted on davka a copycat nickname.

amother

Coffee

Sun, May 03 2020, 1:52 pm

I have 7 children all named after family. One daughter has 4 first cousins and an aunt with the same name (only one has a different last name). Another daughter has 2 cousins with the same first name. They have different middle names, but are called the same thing. A third daughter has the same name as my husband’s aunt, and the fourth has multiple extended relatives with the same name. My own sister has a family name that every extended family member with a daughter gave this name. I don’t really relate to the ‘my name’ thing. We don’t typically choose our own names though, so maybe I just don’t get it.

Ora in town

Sun, May 03 2020, 1:57 pm

To me it whether you share a surname..
Ifthe surnames are different, I would not mind.. but I would not pick same first name going with same surname...

You could add a second name... or put a non jewish name first and then the one you picked...

By the way: it happens often that names are "in the air", I.e. that parents chose a name,thinking it is not too common, and when the child starts school it turns out half the class has this same "uncommon" name...

"Thalia" seemed to be a name like this, a few years ago...

Last edited by Ora in town on Sun, May 03 2020, 1:59 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Bisque

Sun, May 03 2020, 2:49 pm

I don't know why people are getting so defensive and upset. No use getting up in arms about it, but it's not common in my circles, so I'd pick a different name. Obviously it's different when everyone has a lot of children. But when I only have a couple siblings, and they only have a couple of children, it's weird for them to have the same name. Of course it's noone's fault, and of course noone owns the name. DH and I do not share name ideas with others ahead of time because of course that increases the likelihood that someone else will have it on the brain.

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, May 03 2020, 3:43 pm

amother [ Bisque ] wrote:

True.

amother

Babypink

Sun, May 03 2020, 3:46 pm

We don't name after or for (living relatives, as some sephardim do) as a rule..some of my siblings have but there's no rule or expectation. So names are unique to each child and it's really not done to give the same name. The reaction, is like, why?

This even goes across generations...my youngest uncle was still having kids when my oldest cousins were. And two of my cousins made sure it was ok with him if they would use the same name (different last names, diff states). More recently, my cousin (late 30s) asked my parents (jokingly, ad a formality) if he could give his daughter my sister's name. Of course they didn't mind, but it was unusual enough that he didn't want any surprises.

qwerty4

Sun, May 03 2020, 4:24 pm

amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:

If you’re naming after a grandparent, how can you ask your sister not to use the name? It’s not a name you chose yourself and she is copying you, she is simply naming after the same grandparent.
I had assumed that people who made a big deal of cousins having the same name weren’t naming after grandparents but rather a name they liked (like OP). Once it is a family name, I don’t get how you can claim exclusive rights to it.