What is the proper consequence?

amother

Sat, Mar 21 2020, 10:54 pm

So I have an ODD-ish 7 y/o child Who while we've had our issues with over the past week but mostly keep him in check and with the main triggers in check, he was pretty good this week. One trigger I have not cracked with him is his worst time of the week is Friday going into Shabbos, b/c he doesn't want to help and if often lasts into Shabbos morning. Today it came to a head--pun not quite intended when getting started with our seuda he started one of his power struggles and I wasn't having it, and he misread what I was doing about the situation, and I'm not exactly quite sure what happened but while I went to wash somehow one of our hard plastic tumblers hit my 5 y/o's head (he said he slammed it down rather than threw it but it hit her head hard) and she was gushing blood. We called hatzala and she was taken to the hospital and got 2 staples. During the whole episode he was contrite--went to say tehillim while I was dealing with her head and the paramedics. He felt very bad, was all self-punitive, saying he shouldn't get this, shouldn't be treated nicely ( I countered this by saying that he's still my son and I love him), that the injured child should get a prize etc. I was trying to comfort him appropriately after my husband left for the hospital. We talked about him getting angry, the effects of him being selfish which led to this situation and cause and effect, read a funny story about cause and effect in order to debrief the situation and calm down. We did a lot of divrei torah and he was attentive while I looked up a halacha b/c he wanted it to be a "zechus" that his sibling should get better. He was SOO good, I wasn't sure what the consequence of this should be because I felt initially that his contrition and guilt was in some ways punishment enough. By 3pm she was home, happy and smiling. My husband and I went to collapse from the exhaustion, I was awoken to his "usual self" several instances of him being selfish again and saying things "werent fair" and by the end of shabbos he was back to his usual disrespect of me. I have considered taking him for a psychiatric consult before now but now with the corona-crisis I don't know when that will be. He can be SO good at times, but then he was back to calling me "stupid mommy" by the end of Shabbos. It's like I need his cooperation tomorrow to get ready for pesach, not him threatening me. What would you do?

notshanarishona

Sat, Mar 21 2020, 11:01 pm

(1) this is a hard time for even the most well behaved kids , kids need structure and predictability and no school or social interactions is very difficult .
(2) he is only 7 years old . Pick and choose your battles, especially if you are saying that's the hardest one . Why force him to help? I would just make a helping treat to whoever does help positive reinforcement and not right over it .
(3) I would think seeing his sister really hurt was scary and traumatic. I would give a small consequence just like for any other physical hitting but not necessarily bigger just because it was a bigger thing . He seems to have realized and felt guilty on his own.

amother

Sat, Mar 21 2020, 11:35 pm

notshanarishona wrote:

Its more about "Taking responsibility" like he trashes his room, gets new games and pieces are lost. I'm the "meanest mommy" for making him put away his laundry.

Its not so much that I want to punish him for the act today--he was self-punative, but its the attitude he was giving me after shabbos. I didn't say anything b/c I think he was tired but was putting up a fight about going to bed. The big thing is his tablet. Right away after the incident he said "I shouldn't get tablet tonight or tomorrow" and then after Shabbos he was all mean b/c we recently put a restrictive app on their tablets so that they are only available "after school"-time and up until bedtime and Shabbos was over right around their bedtime so he was protesting it.

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Mar 22 2020, 12:24 am

The consequence should be that he understands he sent his sister to the hospital. A kid lwho can't control his impulses needs structure and immediate consequences. I had one like this. Have him write your 5 yr old an apology letter. He needs to tell her sorry for hurting her. 7 years old is old enough that he should be able to write sorry for hurting you. BH my DC learned impulse control through consequences. Calling you stupid mommy is grounds for immediate consequences. I would ask DC how dare you speak to me this way and wait for an answer.

amother

Thu, Mar 26 2020, 2:23 pm

amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:

He HATES writing, anything involving writing is a struggle and a half--yes he's been evaluated for OT and was deemed age-appropriate skill-wise, its a mystery why he hates writing so much. He's been SO disrespectful and ungrateful lately. Only happy when HIS needs are met NOW. It's making my husband and myself SOO frustrated. He talks-back to everything we say and makes rude and irritating noises "because it's fun" NOTHING we say or do seems to have an impact. He has times when he's sweet and wonderful, but then it gets swallowed up by the mean, insulting, chutzpa.