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Would You Host A Close Friend/Relative for Pesach This Year?

 
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Mar 23 2020, 1:21 pm
My in-laws are divorced and convinced that the only possible solution for this Pesach is for both of them to join us and their single children at our house.

The original plan was to have my mother-in-law at our house for first days, then my father-in-law would be with the kids elsewhere for second days, while I went to my parents.

Now, with the situation being as it is, the plans for second days are most likely impossible. Further complicating the situation is that my in-laws now insist that no one will have them for the half of YT they're not with the kids, and therefore, rather than stay home alone in an empty, half-sold apartment, they want to "make it work" with both of them eating at my house the whole YT.

I know this set up isn't healthy, but some allowances may have to be made in light of the extenuating circumstances. However, I know that their children will suffer for it, and that's just not fair.

So, my question is - how likely is it that people would actually agree to host my in-laws for part of YT so we can avoid this mess? Considering the risk of COVID-19 contamination, would you invite a man/woman you knew in this situation, or totally not?

How cruel is it to tell my parents-in-law to work themselves out when I know they most likely can't?
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SixOfWands




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Mar 23 2020, 1:30 pm
WADR, they shouldn't be coming to you either, particularly not with their kids.

If you must, have one in-law come to you for the seders, and the other make the seders at their home with the kids. Then they spend the rest of the chag at home.

Or have them split the kids and all stay home.
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amother




Gold
 

Post  Mon, Mar 23 2020, 1:30 pm
How many single children are there? If at least one can be with each parent for the whole of Pesach, nobody has to be alone. Having everyone together in one home for all of Pesach sounds like a very bad idea.
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imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Mar 23 2020, 1:35 pm
Someone in a similar situation got told to make a video of her kids begging them to stay home, we love you and it scares us too much that you could get sick. If reason fails, try emotion.
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southernbubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Mar 23 2020, 1:36 pm
My rule of thumb would be that an able bodied adult is safer at home.
Last year, DIL who was coming to us had to take responsibility for a 12 year old girl from Brooklyn whose mother had to spend the first night of Pesach in the hospital with another child who was sick and the children were yesomim whose father had passed away. The 12 year old, a fine girl, had no choice but to spend the first days with us. Probably this year as well, there will be children who need the care and supervision of friends and family, despite the danger but I would draw the line at people who could provide their own holiday.
In the case of parents, cook and bake for them and send them the food via car service. There are elderly people in assisted living and independent living facilities that requested that family members take them home as the facility was no longer safe.
It obviously depends on the level of need and risk.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Mar 23 2020, 1:51 pm
To clarify, my parents-in-law are very needy/dependent on the kids, which is why making Pesach in their own homes is not a reasonable option - because that would mean the kids making Pesach for both of them (cleaning, cooking, errands, cleaning, lining, organizing, baking, shopping....). The children are adults (shidduchim age) and have zero interest in being a babysitter for their parents, nor are they interested in spending YT without each other. We have mostly been exposed to each other, so I am not too concerned about having them all here. My only concern is how to tell my in-laws that inasmuch as they would rather "make it work" together, it's just not okay for the kids and they need to work themselves out for the other half of YT.
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amother




Blush
 

Post  Mon, Mar 23 2020, 1:57 pm
I asked our doctor, if my kids have been home for two weeks with no symptoms (or now sick but better for two weeks before Pesach, & their little ones are fine) can't they come to me?

Oh, no, he said.

Okay, but if they are young & healthy can't they each go to each other?

No way, says the doc. (Who is not the alarmist type). Everyone needs to stay home.

Does not make any sense to me.

Okay, they are making grocery orders, so I suppose germs can come in with the orders. Unless they sanitize e/t, which I don't think people are really doing. (Lives on cardboard a few hrs, fine, leave on porch. Lives on plastic for 3 days, so wash e/t with soap for 20 sec? Each yogurt? Seriously?)
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Mar 23 2020, 2:06 pm
amother [ Blush ] wrote:
I asked our doctor, if my kids have been home for two weeks with no symptoms (or now sick but better for two weeks before Pesach, & their little ones are fine) can't they come to me?

Oh, no, he said.

Okay, but if they are young & healthy can't they each go to each other?

No way, says the doc. (Who is not the alarmist type). Everyone needs to stay home.

Does not make any sense to me.

Okay, they are making grocery orders, so I suppose germs can come in with the orders. Unless they sanitize e/t, which I don't think people are really doing. (Lives on cardboard a few hrs, fine, leave on porch. Lives on plastic for 3 days, so wash e/t with soap for 20 sec? Each yogurt? Seriously?)


Agreed. Have you noticed that it's practically impossible to wash your hands before putting food in your mouth without touching ANYTHING that may have germs (including the actual package, the fridge door/drawer, the cutlery drawer, etc.)? I can only do what I can do. I don't think Hashem wants me to start opening drawers with my knees.

Back to the topic at hand, though... What are you suggesting I do?
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penguin




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Mar 23 2020, 2:12 pm
In order for us to advise you properly, we need a bit more info.

1. What age group are your in-laws? 40s, 50s, 60s or 70s probably makes a big difference.
2. Does either of them have an underlying medical condition?
3. Are they capable of being civil to one another or are you going to have to be breaking up squabbles or fist-fights?
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southernbubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Mar 23 2020, 2:12 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Agreed. Have you noticed that it's practically impossible to wash your hands before putting food in your mouth without touching ANYTHING that may have germs (including the actual package, the fridge door/drawer, the cutlery drawer, etc.)? I can only do what I can do. I don't think Hashem wants me to start opening drawers with my knees.

Back to the topic at hand, though... What are you suggesting I do?


Ask a Rav. Halacha would say that you could use their money to have their homes cleaned and catered food sent. Or don't give tzedukah to outside people and their families should pitch in to help them. The Rav could guide you on how much to do.
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amother




Pewter
 

Post  Mon, Mar 23 2020, 2:15 pm
Many people are spending Pesach alone this year. It stinks but please G-d we should all follow the MANDATORY guidelines put in place and be healthy and spend a wonderful YT together next year.

There are countless threads about people's 84 year old widowed mother spending YT one in her house.
Young newlyweds spending YT without the parents/in-laws. If you need to be alone, it stinks but you will get over it.
Check out FranticFrummie's thread on spending The Sedarim without anyone else.
It will not be pleasant but they can do it and will survive.
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southernbubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Mar 23 2020, 2:18 pm
Also, no doctor can guarantee that it is safe. If both sides have been quarantined, the risk is lower but it probably still exists so the doctor can't sign off on it.
Having divorced parents under one roof sounds almost as bad as catching COVID 19.
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amother




Salmon
 

Post  Mon, Mar 23 2020, 2:22 pm
join us and their single children at our house.

Confused. Are they remarried. Are these kids your immediate siblings?
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amother




Chartreuse
 

Post  Mon, Mar 23 2020, 2:30 pm
Not hosting this year. FYI I host every year, but it's too much of a risk for us and our guests as well.

Hopefully everyone will play it safe so we can all save lives and host next year!
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amother




Taupe
 

Post  Mon, Mar 23 2020, 3:02 pm
Nope.Nope.Nope.
My married children are all making Pesach in their own homes for the first time this year. The only people we're having are the people who live under this roof and have been sharing air and germs with us all along.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Mar 23 2020, 3:20 pm
penguin wrote:
In order for us to advise you properly, we need a bit more info.

1. What age group are your in-laws? 40s, 50s, 60s or 70s probably makes a big difference.
2. Does either of them have an underlying medical condition?
3. Are they capable of being civil to one another or are you going to have to be breaking up squabbles or fist-fights?


They are in their fifties. My fil does not have any serious medical conditions but is pretty fragile (he catches everything).
They can totally be civil. But it is traumatizing for the kids nonetheless.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Mar 23 2020, 3:21 pm
amother [ Pewter ] wrote:
Many people are spending Pesach alone this year. It stinks but please G-d we should all follow the MANDATORY guidelines put in place and be healthy and spend a wonderful YT together next year.

There are countless threads about people's 84 year old widowed mother spending YT one in her house.
Young newlyweds spending YT without the parents/in-laws. If you need to be alone, it stinks but you will get over it.
Check out FranticFrummie's thread on spending The Sedarim without anyone else.
It will not be pleasant but they can do it and will survive.


Please, oh please, would you speak to my parents in law for me??
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Mar 23 2020, 3:21 pm
amother [ Salmon ] wrote:
join us and their single children at our house.

Confused. Are they remarried. Are these kids your immediate siblings?


The kids are my husband's younger siblings. His parents are not remarried.
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notshanarishona




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Mar 23 2020, 3:23 pm
I don't think I would if I had a way of getting out of it . Blame it on your doctor .
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Mar 23 2020, 3:24 pm
amother [ Taupe ] wrote:
Nope.Nope.Nope.
My married children are all making Pesach in their own homes for the first time this year. The only people we're having are the people who live under this roof and have been sharing air and germs with us all along.


See one of my biggest problems is that my MIL is quarantining with us now. Which means if we would tell everyone to stay where they are and my siblings in law would be forced to make YT for their father, I'll be forced to make YT with my MIL. She's great and all but even these two weeks isn't easy. Pesach will be a nightmare. Having the siblings in law at my house would make it a lot easier for me to handle...

I think I'm going to go to sleep and wake up after YT. Confused
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