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BDE-Virtual shiva protocol

 
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Mar 25 2020, 11:55 pm
Please help me. need to do a shiva phone call. I am quarantined so cannot go in person.

do I call? or send a message?

when can I call? before or after lavayah? 3 days into the shiva? (I am not family)

protocols for calling? am I allowed to say hi or hello? am I allowed to speak before the aveil speaks?
I know there are alot of halachos but Im not familiar.

and most importantly what do I talk about or say? its a friend.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Mar 26 2020, 12:00 am
Instead of saying "Hello", you can start with "Is this a good time to talk?"

Share stories of good deeds the niftar has done, and any happy memories you have. Give the mourner pleasant thoughts and what to be proud of, to replace the thoughts of sadness and loss.

IME, that is the most valuable thing you can do.
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Elfrida




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Mar 26 2020, 12:10 am
Don't call before the levaya. That is not a time to offer comfort.

Would you feel close enough to make a Aviva call within the first three days? If so you can phone then. Otherwise leave it for the later part of the shiva

You could send an email earlier of you want to. That doesn't demand anything of the recipient if they don't have the energy to read it, but it stays there and they can reread it as often as they want them they are alone.
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amother




Mustard
 

Post  Thu, Mar 26 2020, 12:59 am
to early is no good I got shiva calls right when my mother passed away
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Mar 26 2020, 2:38 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:
Instead of saying "Hello", you can start with "Is this a good time to talk?"

Share stories of good deeds the niftar has done, and any happy memories you have. Give the mourner pleasant thoughts and what to be proud of, to replace the thoughts of sadness and loss.

IME, that is the most valuable thing you can do.


I didnt know the niftar very well. I dont have stories really.
the person sitting shiva is my friend but other than the few times I said hi to the niftar I didnt really know them.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Mar 26 2020, 2:39 pm
what are you supposed to say? seems silly to ask how are you doing- obviously she isnt doing very well. what comes next what are you supposed to talk about?
the news? regular topics?

Im feeling so awkward.
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Iymnok




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Mar 26 2020, 2:46 pm
When you go in person, your presence is the comfort. Maybe a simple I’m thinking of you and wish you the best, Hamakom...
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PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Mar 26 2020, 2:46 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
what are you supposed to say? seems silly to ask how are you doing- obviously she isnt doing very well. what comes next what are you supposed to talk about?
the news? regular topics?

Im feeling so awkward.


If she wants to talk about the end, let her talk, but don't start with that. Ask questions like where her parent was from, how her parents met, where the grandparents were from, where she's lived...things will probably flow. The idea is to get her to talk about the niftar, and hopefully in a way that will be uplifting and bring closure. And of course the idea is to listen, and let her guide the conversation. Hatzlacha!
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amother




Seagreen
 

Post  Thu, Mar 26 2020, 2:46 pm
Shiva phone calls are so hard. I have someone to be menachem avel, but not someone close, so I feel comfortable emailing. I’m much better at writing. If it’s a close friend though, you probably should call. I don’t have the headspace right now to offer concrete advice so I’ll leave that for other wise posters, just wanted to offer some sympathy, as it’s really tough!
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grace413




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Mar 26 2020, 2:53 pm
My DH is currently sitting shiva for his father and he is alone. The phone is ringing off the hook. My phone is ringing off the hook with people telling me they can't get ahold of my husband.

We are both gratified that so many people want to express condolences.

I would just suggest to keep the calls short. It's different than a regular shiva where 20 people can be in the room listening to the avel tell a story. Call, say I'm so sorry for your loss, it must be hard to be alone, I'll say a perek of tehillim for your father and now I have to go, hamkom etc. Keep it short.
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