Home

Overwhelmed and Afraid. Need advice.
1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Issues of Concern within Frum Society -> Coronavirus/ COVID19 Health Concerns


View latest: 24h 48h 72h


OneSource




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Mar 29 2020, 5:47 pm
Ladies, thank you for taking the time to read my post.

Here it is: I freely admit I am overwhelmed. I am 36, have stage IV cancer and just recently had a massive surgery to my lungs. I am just getting back on my feet after going through intense post-op recovery and then BAM- COVID 19. So I grabbed my kids and husband and basically ran away to our vacation house over 2 weeks ago. BH, we've been here for 15 days and no one is sick. Plus, where we are, there are very few cases. But here's where the overwhelmed part comes in. I'm working from home (because my job is amazing and has been so understanding through the whole cancer thing so I was working remotely before we left and I need to continue to keep my job) and my husband is required to as well. He has to be logged on his work computer from 9am until 6pm. My three kids (6th grade girl, 1st grade boy and pre-k boy) are distance learning. What this really means is I need to sit next to my 1st grader and help him zoom / Google class for 3 hours a day because he keeps having issues (can't see what morah is working on, doesn't know why he can't hear her...the problems seem endless.) There goes my afternoon. My husband tries to help but he needs to be within reach of his computer at all times. I struggle to keep myself professional and calm for multiple conference calls a day, handling a high stress job remotely and pretending this isn't an impossible situation while my 4 year old is bored out of his mind and stalking me. Plus, I'm in pain. So much pain. My whole back hurts and it's painful to take deep breaths. The solution for the pain - meds. But meds make me tired and fuzzy so that's out during the daylight hours.

Now let's add in pesach. I am making pesach (I was supposed to have help but am too afraid to let anyone from home come here) in these circumstances. We have no kosher food where we are so my husband, who is amazing, is schlepping back to our town to get all the food we'll need for pesach. Timing issues aside, our local supermarkets aren't taking online orders for things other than meat. So my husband will need to wear a mask and gloves and go inside the food stores and get food. The sheer stress of worrying from that alone is getting to me. Add in how deathly afraid of catching COVID 19 I am, and I am ready to cry over life right now.

I am tired. Exhausted. Hurting. Worried. Stressed. I want to be a pinterest, happy fun mom making amazing quarantine memories for my family. Instead, I'm falling asleep if I sit down for a minute, telling the kids to make their own dinner (pizza bagels Smile ) and begging for 5 minutes of quiet so I can finish a work email. I feel like a failure; at motherhood, work, marriage, etc.

I know there is so much to be thankful for - and I am, 1000%. BH, I was able to have a potentially life saving surgery before the world went mad. It enabled me to be off chemotherapy these months and gave me the valuable ability to escape where we live (and where the virus is out of control.) But I'm lonely, even surrounded by sweet friends (I don't have any family; they've all passed away over the years) and struggling so hard. We, bh, don't have financial issues or anything like that but our struggle is logistical and probably mostly in my head. My husband isn't nearly as overwhelmed as I so I wonder if the problem is me.

Thanks again for reading my post. Any ideas for how to manage all this would be appreciated.


Last edited by OneSource on Sun, Mar 29 2020, 5:55 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top

crust




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Mar 29 2020, 5:55 pm
I wish I can help.
No it's not all in your head. Your fears are all so normal and valid.

You're doing a great job. I dont know why you're not cutting yourself more slack. Please.

Virtual hugs and a refuah shliema.

Ps. Can someone that's anyway going to the grocery put that order together for you?


Last edited by crust on Sun, Mar 29 2020, 5:57 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top

imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Mar 29 2020, 5:55 pm
Not worthy

You are Superwoman!

What can you let go of?

Make the simplest Pesach you can. Hopefully, you'll have the time off from work, and the kids will be off from school. And maybe DH can pitch in with more than just shopping?

One idea that comes to mind is to let go of the guilt/perfectionism. Aim for a passing grade right now. You need to heal and regroup.

Refuah shleimah!
Back to top

amother




Green
 

Post  Sun, Mar 29 2020, 5:59 pm
I would also be concerned for you to have your husband go back to shop in a corona infested area. Can you shop local? Order chicken meat online? Have someone ship matzah,?

Can we try to help you figure out how to keep him away from corona problem by problem?

B"h enjoy your children, but if it is too much to work & care for the kids, you might have to move your job around because the kids aren't an option.
Back to top

OneSource




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Mar 29 2020, 6:02 pm
For food, we've had friends offer to go for us if the stores would take our order and pack it up. But we only found one store willing to do that and it's kind of hit or miss stuff.

Sadly, my job isn't flexible right now. I'm the head of my department and with the virus shutting everything down, I need to be present for my team. I'm taking off pesach, which should help if I can make it that far. Plus, I've taken so much time off since surgery. More between now and pesach isn't possible. I regret going back at all. I should have stayed out on short term disability but it's too late now.
Back to top

amother




Chocolate
 

Post  Sun, Mar 29 2020, 6:03 pm
Where is your hometown? If you live where I do maybe we can help put together groceries for you?
Back to top

amother




Jade
 

Post  Sun, Mar 29 2020, 6:03 pm
Wow. I am absolutely amazed by what a superwoman you are. For starters, cut yourself some slack. You sound like you are doing an outstanding job especially with all the additional challenges you have. As others have said, can you see if someone would do the shopping for your husband so that all he like have to do is pick it up? In regards to the 3 hours of zoom classes for the little one, are any of the classes being recorded? If so, maybe just try to watch the videos later in the day? This may work out better for you and cause less stress than doing it live. I wish you strength, both emotionally and physically as well as good health and a speedy recovery.
Back to top

OneSource




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Mar 29 2020, 6:05 pm
That's very sweet of you. We are from BK. My husband just emailed another big store to see if they'll make an exception and help us out. Friends volunteered to drop the food off in our house so that my husband can just go home 24 hours later and grab the stuff. That's probably the safest way to avoid contamination.
Back to top

amother




Seashell
 

Post  Sun, Mar 29 2020, 6:05 pm
Hugs OP.

You are a superwoman. You are dealing with a lot more than most people can cope with, and doing so remarkably well.

Your to do list is simply not within the realm of human possibility.

Can you let go of your kids' education a bit? They can probably catch up after Pesach. 3 hours a day is a lot for you to help one child with.

Can you have others help out with putting together food orders?

Can you call your rav and get your to do list down to the bare minimum, as many poskim are doing now?

Pizza bagels are amazing. No one is eating much better from rosh chodesh Nissan, even in a good year.

Please take care of your health. This is the year to find out how little we really need.
Back to top

amother




Copper
 

Post  Sun, Mar 29 2020, 6:10 pm
OneSource wrote:
That's very sweet of you. We are from BK. My husband just emailed another big store to see if they'll make an exception and help us out. Friends volunteered to drop the food off in our house so that my husband can just go home 24 hours later and grab the stuff. That's probably the safest way to avoid contamination.


I understand if you don’t want to share. But if your vacation home is close to monsey there may be better options here?

And truly cut yourself slackkkkk! You are doing too much
Back to top

OneSource




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Mar 29 2020, 6:12 pm
Seashell, you are right. I need to pare down. I feel terrible if I skimp on my son's education right now. I'm already letting my littlest pass on his 30 min zoom davening session in the morning (because that's when I get a lot of work done) and feeling oodles of guilt for it. I might just let my middle child do the classwork with me quickly and then let him skip the rest of the lesson. One on one is always faster for learning. We can cut the 3 hours down to 1.5 or less then. Our rav is very understanding and made quite a few adjustment for us but we still need the basics for pesach. Thankfully, our cleaning is almost done. I'm worn out from simple tasks like washing dishes and trying to vacuum but my kids are trying to help so much, bh and my husband is folding laundry as I type. Our vacation place is generally very clean and food only goes in the kitchen or dining room so it's minimal cleaning required. I am trying to keep my health (such as it is) up to par but it's easy to get frustrated with my lack of energy or how much everything hurts to do. Cooking food for the kids is exhausting!

Copper, Monsey is pretty far from us too.
Back to top

avrahamama




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Mar 29 2020, 6:52 pm
OneSource wrote:
Seashell, you are right. I need to pare down. I feel terrible if I skimp on my son's education right now. I'm already letting my littlest pass on his 30 min zoom davening session in the morning (because that's when I get a lot of work done) and feeling oodles of guilt for it. I might just let my middle child do the classwork with me quickly and then let him skip the rest of the lesson. One on one is always faster for learning. We can cut the 3 hours down to 1.5 or less then. Our rav is very understanding and made quite a few adjustment for us but we still need the basics for pesach. Thankfully, our cleaning is almost done. I'm worn out from simple tasks like washing dishes and trying to vacuum but my kids are trying to help so much, bh and my husband is folding laundry as I type. Our vacation place is generally very clean and food only goes in the kitchen or dining room so it's minimal cleaning required. I am trying to keep my health (such as it is) up to par but it's easy to get frustrated with my lack of energy or how much everything hurts to do. Cooking food for the kids is exhausting!

Copper, Monsey is pretty far from us too.


Where is the vacation home? Maybe there are another's that are closer than you think? Or maybe one hour further and you wont have to go to BK but somewhere less populated?

Costco delivers and has a lot.

Trader Joe's has empire chickens
Back to top

behappy2




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Mar 29 2020, 7:04 pm
Lower your standards and expectations. Keep your goals. Sending you hugs! You're a hero!
Back to top

NPYOB




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Mar 29 2020, 7:15 pm
You are absolutely amazing. People without cancer are going out of their mind right now. Don’t worry about the school. If that’s the biggest stress you got to let that go. Whatever the kids can do alone or with the least stress possible then let them do. Everyone will fall behind. Virtual learning not ideal at all. Worse comes to worse you’ll hire a tutor to catch them up. Right now just focus on the most important things. Sounds like your husband is an amazing support to you. HaShem should bless you and the family with health and pat yourself on the back for doing an amazing job In these Really difficult times.
Back to top

Ashrei




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Mar 29 2020, 7:21 pm
I won't call you a hero, or a superwoman, or any of that. That's not your role, that's not what defines you. You don't need to impress or inspire anyone here.

The pinterest mom does a disservice to all of us.

Is the reason your husband is less stressed is because he's not holding the weight of the family on his shoulders like you are?

You're looking for logistical ways to keep doing what you're doing, but I'd like to suggest you stop altogether.

I promise you that it's okay for your first grader to be on a device independently for most of the afternoon, or all afternoon at least 3 days a week, or for the rest of the school year. I know you're about to say "but this but that," but his life is long, and this is a blip. He'll be fine, school will eventually continue, he won't be the only one behind, even if he has SN or such.

But you are not fine at this pace.

I think it's your husband's turn to make pesach - that doesn't mean 'helping' you by getting groceries. That means planning everything while you work and sleep. Again I hear "but this but that," but nothing. Is he a person? Are you a person? Might it be his turn? If he doesn't do it, a shlock pesach where no one would eat by you is fine. Half- @$$ everything, say you kashered stuff and don't - I know it sounds crazy, but look at yourself and your circumstances and rethink the definition of that word.

What does Hashem want first? Mitvos between Him and you, or you and your fellow? And does your fellow not include yourself above everyone else? Just this situation, just you, just now.

This feeling of failure you have is like guilt - it's avoda zara. You cannot fail because this is not a game, there is no "goal." There's only your health and the love you have for yourself and your family. You need to refocus. The real chometz here is pressure you put on yourself.


Last edited by Ashrei on Sun, Mar 29 2020, 7:24 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top

daagahminayin




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Mar 29 2020, 7:23 pm
OP, you are going through so much right now. You are amazing. I don’t know how to help you but I davened for you. May you feel Hashem with you through this very difficult time.
Back to top

amother




Hotpink
 

Post  Sun, Mar 29 2020, 7:24 pm
Wow OP you have my respect. Don't have much to add in advice except to reiterate cutting yourself more slack.
You sound like superwoman. Not worthy
Back to top

amother




Green
 

Post  Sun, Mar 29 2020, 9:45 pm
Please cut yourself all the slack you need and do with less perfect everything so you should stay safe & healthy .
Back to top

pizza4




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Mar 29 2020, 10:47 pm
OP hugs!! Anyone would be completely drained in your position!
Can your 6th grader help out the first grader a little? 3 hours of learning sounds like a lot right now, my 2nd grader has just an hour a day on the phone. I'd say leave the online learning for now on the back shelf, whatever the kid learns good and the rest, he'll be okay without. Or see what he could do on his own, or with the 6th grader, or with your dh.
Back to top

amother




Bronze
 

Post  Sun, Mar 29 2020, 10:52 pm
Can you financially afford utilizing those chef ads offering to cook and bake for you for Pesach? They deliver all over usa.
Back to top
1, 2  Next Recent Topics

Page 1 of 2 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Issues of Concern within Frum Society -> Coronavirus/ COVID19 Health Concerns

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Neighbors - ADVICE PLS
by newima
10 Tue, May 26 2020, 8:47 am View last post
Desperate need advice, waxing
by amother
5 Sun, May 24 2020, 9:20 pm View last post
Need advice about brothers wedding
by amother
10 Fri, May 22 2020, 12:32 pm View last post
trampoline advice
by eema1
15 Mon, May 18 2020, 3:03 pm View last post
Walmart Mini blinds - Advice Please!!
by amother
4 Sun, May 17 2020, 12:05 am View last post

Jump to: