At what age did u get engaged?

amother

Wed, Apr 22 2020, 12:11 pm

Do u think bc is important these days for newlywed? They should first settle, get to know each others , make sure they are emotionally doing fine , I dont know if its a mothers place to tell her kid , but its a very important point so things dont platz later .

amother

Scarlet

Wed, Apr 22 2020, 12:21 pm

You don't mention what type you are so I'll answer as a regular BY girl (CC). It's hard to say. My automatic answer is no. But I hear how it can depend on their specific life circumstances. If they are both in full time college maybe it makes sense as they need whatever time they have together to be pleasent and not all about the vomit. Also if she has a high pressure job maybe. For the regular girl working a medium to low pressure full time job and a husband who is learning I would think that BC is purely for the goal of "having fun". While that sounds tempting I'm not sure it's the right thing to do. (Another factor maybe would be how close they are by engagement. A couple that barely knows each other actually could possibly use the first couple of month to spend time together. Though that model is more prevalent in the Chassidish world where theres less of a chance for a BC heter so I'm not sure how much this factor can practically be implemented).

*I got engaged at 19. Had a baby 11 months in.

amother

Puce

Wed, Apr 22 2020, 12:22 pm

I got engaged at 21, chassidish.
BC is very individual. For some it's important and for some not important, it's not a general rule.
One of my sisters got married very young and she felt she needed to wait at least 6 months. It's really individual.

icedcoffee

Wed, Apr 22 2020, 12:35 pm

24, and we'd been together since 18. Modern Orthodox. It was great because we knew each other so well, we were best friends, we had time to settle in our career paths and figure out the life we wanted, and were absolutely sure that we would be compatible together as a married couple. BH we are extremely extremely happy now. I don't think everyone needs to wait as long as we did but it was 100% the right decision for us.

amother

Ruby

Wed, Apr 22 2020, 12:53 pm

amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:

First time engaged and married 18
Next time
Age 24

First time 17
Second time 27 (still had unmarried classmates and I had 2 kids )
Would have loved to have a year or 2 after sem to enjoy life , work , spend time with friends... maybe I feel this way cos I was miserable from day 1 (dont ask why I had 2 kids , hashem wanted it this way )

amother

Lemon

Wed, Apr 22 2020, 12:54 pm

I got engaged and married at 22. I had a baby 2 years later; not on birth control. In hindsight I appreciate the time together without a baby, but at the time it was very stressful because I knew there was something wrong.

Chayalle

Wed, Apr 22 2020, 12:55 pm

I got engaged at age 21, and B"H had my beautiful daughter a year after my wedding at age 22 1/2. Brightest day of my life, when I became a mother.

As someone with SIF, I'm so glad that using BC didn't enter my mind at that time (it was far less popular those days in yeshivish circles, practically unheard of). If I hadn't had my first two DD's when I was young, I might not have them at all.

I think a mother should tell her daughters about BC. It's a responsibility. They should know your hashkafa about it (whether that involves asking a Rav, etc...) and know that the importance to weigh the priceless value of every child vs. the equally priceless value of SB, mental health, a functional houshold, etc...I don't think it's a mother's place to tell her daughter to use it, but it certainly is her place to educate her about it.

Whether a couple should initially use BC is a very individual decision, and certainly not a one-size-fits-all type of thing.

amother

Yellow

Wed, Apr 22 2020, 12:57 pm

I got engaged at 21 and was on bc for the first 2 months. I had a heter for the first 6 months but after 2 we decided that we didnt actually need it and it was making me feel very gross and not like my self at all. We talked to the rav who gave it and told him that we decided to stop using bc and he agreed that it would be better for us to stop.

Rappel

Wed, Apr 22 2020, 3:42 pm

20, and I BH had my first child a year later.

Sometimes I think it would have been better if we had waited to have kids, and settled down a little more first. But then I wonder which of my kids I would give back, in exchange for more time, and the answer is self-evident.

I think everything comes in its proper time. Also, though I liked myself and DH back then, I like us so much more now - and parenting was an essential element in becoming whom we are today.

PS - sometimes I wonder what I would do if I were a single mom. R"L, due to DH's work it's something I have considered a lot. And even then, when I imagine having to cope on my own, I would never wish away my children. So if your concern is newlyweds and divorce, perhaps consider that.

amother

Jade

Wed, Apr 22 2020, 4:03 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, YES!

Married just shy of 19, and immediately got pregnant. Got stuck with a man with mental issues and life has been a living h*ll. This is just in a nutshell. I always think back that if I would have been on bc, perhaps I would have been able to do things differently.

amother

Bronze

Wed, Apr 22 2020, 4:24 pm

Chayalle wrote:

I think a mother should tell her daughters about BC. It's a responsibility. They should know your hashkafa about it (whether that involves asking a Rav, etc...) and know that the importance to weigh the priceless value of every child vs. the equally priceless value of SB, mental health, a functional houshold, etc...I don't think it's a mother's place to tell her daughter to use it, but it certainly is her place to educate her about it.

Whether a couple should initially use BC is a very individual decision, and certainly not a one-size-fits-all type of thing.

Love this.

Contraception should be a part of the kallah classes curriculum. When I was engaged, I was the one who had to bring it up, and was just told to wait till after the wedding to discuss with my husband. Ended up having a lot of breakthrough bleeding which could have been prevented had I been put on the pill a few weeks before I got married.

I explained to my teacher that I am definitely going on BC so I don't see why she couldn't help me sort it out. She made as if its taboo before marriage, like why would you ever want that?

I think they should be telling the girls that there is this option out there, not pushing the idea onto them but at least making an awareness.

amother

Royalblue

Wed, Apr 22 2020, 4:45 pm

It seems unbelievably patronizing to not teach kallahs about birth control. It's actually shocking to me to conceal the fact that there exists an option a grown woman can take about her own body and reproduction. Something that could seriously help her mental and emotional health and allow her to control her own family planning. It really rubs me the wrong way. Has anyone seen the movie "The Truman Show" where he's basically living in a fake constructed fantasy world that everyone else is in on except for him? That's what it feels like - the older women all know about it but are deliberately hiding a basic aspect of zex and reproduction (that you don't necessarily HAVE to risk pregnancy every time you do it). No one needs to enthusiastically recommend it, but it's very sad and scary for me think about the fact that these supposed grown women are being prevented from knowing a basic fact about their own bodies.

amother

Lilac

Wed, Apr 22 2020, 4:50 pm

Chayalle wrote:

If the mother is not the KT, then shouldn't this be more of KT thing? A mother can surely talk to her daughter about it, but if we're discussing this as a universally good idea to discuss the hashkafos in your circles, and the importance of discussing with your chosson and Rov, I think that it should be (as it was for me) something mentioned in kallah classes.

I, too, experienced SIF, and am very happy I didn't start off with BC, not to mention I got engaged mid-20s.

amother

Mint

Wed, Apr 22 2020, 6:48 pm

I think it depends on the couple. It's nice to have that time to get to know someone without throwing a baby into the mix as well. I have a friend who has been married for 3 or 4 years and just recently she said she now feels ready to have children. They've done a lot of traveling together, establishing their careers, getting ready to buy a house, just enjoying each others company.

amother

Cerise

Wed, Apr 22 2020, 8:36 pm

I brought it up with my KT, she told me that husband and I can ask Rav about it, but should be fine for 6 months. I told her I want to start now she said ok she'll mention it to my mom.
Mom never discussed it really, she just asked if I took "the pills" she didn't specificy that they're birth control, just period control.
I was on it for about a year and I'm really glad I waited and enjoyed my shana rishonah.
It's an individual decision but I think Kallah teachers should inform kallahs at least the basics.

amother

Teal

Wed, Apr 22 2020, 8:39 pm

amother [ Cerise ] wrote:

Not fully understanding why she discusses with your mom. If a person is mature and responsible enough to get married, shouldn't this be their business and not their mother's?

amother

Babypink

Wed, Apr 22 2020, 9:01 pm

amother [ Teal ] wrote:

Not fully understanding why she discusses with your mom. If a person is mature and responsible enough to get married, shouldn't this be their business and not their mother's?

Girls living at home often have their mothers pick up their medication.