I know this is common-but I don't want this!

amother

Thu, Apr 23 2020, 2:20 pm

So, I’m a young mommy that has exhaustively read up on, and listened to many many parenting columns-advice books. I know it all in my dreams, and I actually have lots of good tips on how to parent. My problem is ,that lately ,when I get triggered by something my kid says or does-whether he’s making himself really silly for long-or whether he’s defiantly ignoring what I’ve said I get angry -like REALLY. Angry I feel tightness, red hot etc etc lIke all angry lil monsters-= I don’t really yell, but.... - all my rules and firm lovingness fly out of the window and I resort to bribing, threatening with punishment and other things I’ve always promised myself I’d never do to my kid(s)!
My 4 year old son ,an only child (So he needs entertainment 24-7) is extremely mature,precocious,and challenging to boot. The fact that he’s an only child and I’m having a hard time -makes me feel super-guilty and I feel like I’m not capable as a mom “-big deal one kid! “

Pre-corona I was a real model mommy( I still am, but!) in the sense that I did what was right most of the time,rarely raised my voice,Rarely bribed my son,and rarely, If ever, threatened with punishments (when I know that punishments rarely work,esp for his nature) I’m not an angry type-but lately am feeling anger waaay too often!
I guess I’m normal? Or maybe not?

bigsis144

Thu, Apr 23 2020, 2:22 pm

You are normal!!!

Your great descriptions of physical responses to anger make me think you might want to use mindfulness techniques to keep your cool. You’re already mostly there!

You’re not wrong or bad to feel frustrated, kids will push your buttons like experts. Use your self-awareness to be patient with yourself first, and that will help you pass good coping skills on.

(I’m a work in progress, talking from years of therapy dealing with ppd and very difficult kids)

Last edited by bigsis144 on Thu, Apr 23 2020, 2:28 pm; edited 2 times in total

flmommy

Thu, Apr 23 2020, 2:24 pm

You sound like super mommy if you never felt angry before and still a super mommy if you never yell. These are tough times. I wouldn’t sweat it. Breathe and try to relax but know that what you are feeling is normal and that you are Bh able to “behave” so well.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Apr 23 2020, 2:36 pm

The answer is definitely to work on yourself, because the button pushing will not stop. With each year, they will just learn new buttons. If you're lucky, they'll stop when they get married and move out.

Children are designed to force us to become better versions of myself. I know that DD has made me an infinitely better person than I ever would have been without her in my life.

I've not been a perfect mom, not by a long shot. I realized that DD was not usually being bad, but rather that I was reacting badly. Once I figured things out, it got a lot easier for both of us.

amother

Thu, Apr 23 2020, 9:41 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Ur right..I’ve got work cut out for me I guess...! Parenting sure is hard..bh for that

thriver

Thu, Apr 23 2020, 9:45 pm

You are so normal and honestly I would imagine in many ways, it is harder to parent an old child right now than multiple children. Give yourself a lot of credit and schedule in “me-time.” When I’ve done mommy camp in the summers, I tell my kids that it’s like sleep away camp and we therefore have a rest hour where I get to take a break. You can set him up beforehand and it doesn’t have to be a full hour, but for a set time, you should be able to have your own downtime guilt free.

Take care of yourself so that you can take care of him. You are definitely not alone.

Ora in town

Tue, Apr 28 2020, 8:36 pm

Could this just be the terrible threes with a little bit of delay?

Could it be that whatever you would do, he would try and push your buttons, till he found one?

Perhaps fake anger mixed with humor could be a good solution. I.e. you do very demonstratively nu, nu, nu, and act as if you were really angry, but with a little twinkle in the eye, so that he sees it is fake at the same time.

Sometimes, children need a bit of a harsher response... I have seen scenes, especially for boys, where they really crave it and are not satisfied till they get it.

Of course, you do not want to resort to real anger explosions... But sometimes it helps to act angry... if you can manage not to be angry...

lucky14

Tue, Apr 28 2020, 11:01 pm

So not true that just because you have one child it should be easier- having to keep one child entertained can be so so tiring.
Are you able to give yourself time-outs when you start feeling really upset?
Like just going into your room so you can calm down a bit? I've done that before.
Also sometimes when my child is really acting up I'll go into my room instead of sending him to his room (it's just as much of a "punishment" to my son and there's no struggle with having to keep him in his room).