DH gaining weight-wants me to say he looks ok!

amother

Sun, Apr 26 2020, 4:48 am

My dh has been gaining tons of weight during quarantine. I am making healthy meals, but I obviously can't control his snacking. He's not that active right now

Even before quarantine he was gaining. About the past 3 years he's been about 20-30 pounds overweight. Now he's about 30-40 pounds overweight. We were even dieting together with a program, but after losing 10 pounds, he decided not to pay the money for the program. saying he could keep on his own. Which he can't.

The thing is: He asks me if he has gained weight over and over again. However, he absolutely doesn't want me to say that he has! Even if he has. On top of that he thinks he looks great!
He doesn't look great. His middle is getting so round and bulging out, especially with all this time not going anywhere. Even just since before Pesach he is much bigger now.

What do I tell him? Do I just say what he wants to hear? Do I tell him what he doesn't want to hear and he gets angry?

Please help!

FranticFrummie

Sun, Apr 26 2020, 5:39 am

There was a very interesting study done a while ago. I wish I could remember where I saw it.

Basically, if you put a woman who is a normal weight in front of a full length mirror, she is going to say that she is 10 pounds overweight.

If you put a man who is 40 pounds overweight in front of a mirror, he is going to say that he looks healthy.

IME, I have found this to be true across the board.

OP, tell him the truth! Don't say that he is fat, tell him that you are concerned about his health. State it in terms of cholesterol, heart disease, stroke, sleep apnea, and blood pressure. Maybe that will get through to him.

Are you bringing nosh into the house, or is he going out and buying it? If you have any control over the snacks in your home, try to make low sugar whole wheat cookies, or veggie chips in the oven. I find myself craving salt like you wouldn't believe, so I make healthy food, and then use my own blend of garlic salt.

(Here's the recipe: Get 3 large cloves of garlic, peeled. A large sprig of fresh rosemary, with the leaves taken off of the tough stem. Add to 1/2 a cup of salt, and combine in a food processor or blender until everything is in equal size pieces. You can store this on a shelf, because the salt will preserve the garlic and rosemary indefinitely.)

amother

Royalblue

Sun, Apr 26 2020, 5:40 am

Leave it for now. Almost everyone's getting fat these days stuck indoors with nothing to do except snack. Restart the diet after corona has blown over. In the meantime, try to be sensitive. He's obviously aware of his weight and feeling self conscious. Men have feelings too.

amother

Brunette

Sun, Apr 26 2020, 7:29 am

Order a scale and keep it on bathroom floor.
Scales are honest.
DH has gained a lot and lost a lot over the years. I find he has to realize it on his own. And want to diet in his own. My saying something doesn’t cause him to diet or change. Just feel bad.

If he gained 30 lbs does his clothing still fit?

amother

Pearl

Sun, Apr 26 2020, 8:22 am

amother [ Tan ] wrote:

Approach it sideways and as part of a general conversation. Don't discuss appearance, talk about health and activity for everyone in the house, and the importance of staying fit and well during the pandemic.

I don't mean to be argumentative, but do people really think that other people don't realize what you are doing?

amother

Pearl

Sun, Apr 26 2020, 8:35 am

amother [ Tan ] wrote:

And I don't mean to either, but what would you suggest?

Obviously this hit home for me, I am close to somebody who does this. Like you'll ask something specific, and in the name of being diplomatic, I guess, they'll start in on some sideways angle as you called it, while obviously not addressing what was said. It's sort of condescending. I'm just not sure it's a good way to deal with people, particularly a spouse.

ora_43

Sun, Apr 26 2020, 8:43 am

I think I'd refuse to play the game.

"Do I look like I've gained weight?"

*look* *shrug* "I can't really say."

"Nu, come on, what do you think?"

"If you really want to know, let's just buy a scale. I see you every day, I'm not going to notice if you lose or gain 3 or 4 pounds."

I don't think this has to be coy or subtle; it's OK if he realizes what you're doing. If someone repeatedly asks the same question, at some point it's more than OK to politely but firmly refuse to talk about it anymore.

I think he knows that he's gaining weight and it doesn't look good. You don't need to tell him that. You just need to avoid being made the middleman between reality and his self-image.

amother

Puce

Sun, Apr 26 2020, 8:52 am

As others have suggested, you should respond something along the lines of, "hhmmmm. You might have gained a little. You know what? A scale doesn't lie. Why don't you weigh yourself so you'll know exactly what's going on?"

Hillery

Sun, Apr 26 2020, 9:01 am

I'd very bluntly put the ball in his court.

"There's never a good answer to such a question and it's not for me to observe whether you've gained weight or not, but if your clothes feel tighter, you have. You're old enough to work these things out on your own."

jerusalem90

Sun, Apr 26 2020, 9:18 am

If he asks if he looks like he's gained weight, "yes". If he asks if he looks good "yes" (even if not true).

Weight is something that most people can't control, something like 99% of diets fail and people just can't manage to keep weight off long term. If you can't control something, best to accept it. It's a lot easier to accept if your spouse tells you you are still attractive to them.

cuffs

Sun, Apr 26 2020, 11:33 am

I would definitely not start throwing hints around or taking side angles, that is awful, from personal experience. I think being a role model should help, let him see you exercising everyday and don't bake fattening things and don't buy nosh...

silverlining3

Sun, Apr 26 2020, 12:00 pm

Hmmm it's a hard one when he's the 1 constantly asking... I have it the other way around. From time to time used tell my husband, I think it's time for a diet..... But I gave up! When you force someone to diet, even a child, they usually resent it and don't lose. It needs to come from own will.
I'd say for as long as he's home don't talk abt anything related to food, diet, health etc he's enough old to know this. It's not easy when you're not moving arnd alot but are arnd alot of food.
What to tell him??? Don't know his nature, but maybe sarcastically ask him, what do u rlly want me to tell you?
Hope u find a solution that works

silverlining3

Sun, Apr 26 2020, 1:30 pm

Ppl suggesting to get a scale, I'm not so sure she doesn't have. I have a scale and husband only uses it when he goes on a diet, otherwise doesn't look at it.
To OP, getting a round stomach does NOT necessarily mean numbers on scale went up, weight gain. It's just he's not moving around alot so everything settles on stomach.

amother

Sun, Apr 26 2020, 1:40 pm

OP here:
Thank you all for these suggestions!
So, first, we do have scales in each of our bathrooms. His weight now has been up10 pounds higher than when he was at his previous 'high weight'. His highest was 30 pounds overweight, now it's up to 40 pounds overweight.

Snacks: We really just have lots of fruits and vegetables in the house anyway. The most snack type foods are yogurt, crackers and pretzels. Occasionally, ice cream, but he doesn't even eat it.

Excercise: His weight was going up and down before quarantine because he wasn't exercising regularly. He was so busy with work, and he spends a ton of time in the car. Now it's worse.