Home

Sibling Rivalry anyone?

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children


View latest: 24h 48h 72h


amother




OP
 

Post  Sat, May 02 2020, 11:40 pm
How come I don't hear anyone discussing the elephant in the room??
Is it only my house?
What are you doing about it?
And how can you make Shabbos special under these circumstances?

Tia!
Back to top

ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, May 02 2020, 11:49 pm
Nope, sorry, it's only happening at your place! Are you sure you want to go public with this one? Lol
Back to top

crust




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, May 02 2020, 11:52 pm
Wherever there are siblings there is rivalry.

Unless...
1. They are by nature more easy going or not assertive.

2. They they have to watch over each other because their parents are not functional.

3. They are afraid that their parents will intervene in an abusive way.

(Someone told me that when she fought with her sister one of them would take chances (mid fight! 😂) to see if their (abusive) father hasn't backed into the driveway yet. They knew if he sees them fighting he will give it to them.)


So, unless it's not safe...
Sit back. Enjoy the scene.

My kids love hearing what we used to fight about.
(Ususally it was about;
a song not carried correctly or
the harmony was off or
"I started the song so you be quiet" or
"what you said is not grammatically correct".).
Back to top

ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, May 02 2020, 11:55 pm
I try to catch the times that they are nice and caring towards each other and try to make sure to compliment them how they are being such a good brother or sister. I beleive in positive reinforcement and it works nicely for the most part.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post  Sat, May 02 2020, 11:59 pm
How can you sit back? They can be so mean physically and the comments they make at each other.
I wish I can give a compliment when they are being nice but I just can't even find a moment between these two kids Rolling Eyes
Back to top

crust




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, May 03 2020, 12:01 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
How can you sit back? They can be so mean physically and the comments they make at each other.
I wish I can give a compliment when they are being nice but I just can't even find a moment between these two kids Rolling Eyes


How old are they?

If its physical they have to be seperated.

Can humor help?


Last edited by crust on Sun, May 03 2020, 12:43 am; edited 1 time in total
Back to top

ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, May 03 2020, 12:02 am
It depends on the severity of it. If it's regular bickering, I let it go. If it's damaging to the extent that I feel it's harming a child's self esteem, that calls for more aggressive action and interference.
Back to top

amother




Beige
 

Post  Sun, May 03 2020, 12:06 am
For me it's mainly between 2 kids...

One is naturally well-behaved, chilled personality and studious by nature.

The other is impetuous, excitable, and pushes limits. He is also extremely talented, a deep thinker, and an excellent helper. Unfortunately, it took me quite a while to learn how to parent him, because my previous methods didn't work with him at all.

Now there is a lot of deep-seated resentment from DS2 to DS1, because DS2 ended up with much more discipline. He is still always sure that I favor DS1 over him, and it comes up a lot.

There's not much I can do in the moment, because yelling at DS1 for something he didn't do (which is what DS2 would like) is not exactly fair. DS1 is usually away at Yeshiva, so obviously we are dealing with it a lot more now.

I'm hoping that time and lots of talking will sort it out eventually, although it is painful to watch for the time being.

The other sibling rivalry issues are not chronic, just occasional spats. I generally try not to get involved. I praise peace-making and often answer requests for treats (lick the bowl, have a freeze pop, etc.) with "if you can do it in a way to make everyone happy," and I really enjoy watching how they work together to share with everyone.
Back to top

amother




Ivory
 

Post  Sun, May 03 2020, 12:06 am
My 9 year old told me he feels bad about picking on his brother it's just that he's so annoying.
Instead of lambasting my son (since I admire that he even made the confession) I said "Don't worry. Nobody likes their siblings after 6 weeks of isolation". We laughed about it.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, May 03 2020, 12:07 am
Teenagers.
Some whom are regularly out of town for school and are now home.
Two girls close in age.
Constantly one against the other until it ends physically.
I begged them for respect each other, fill the bucket I tried it all and it's not working Sad
Back to top

amother




Mistyrose
 

Post  Sun, May 03 2020, 12:41 am
DH to 18 yr old "you are not allowed to hit your brother. You have no right to do this"
18 yr old "well, he has no right to annoy me so I'm allowed to do whatever I want"
LOL. How can you argue with such logic
Seriously, sibling rivalry is obviously worse when everyone is cooped up but we have plenty of it all year round.
My siblings and I fought a ton when we were kids. Some of us are close now LOL
Back to top

crust




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, May 03 2020, 12:49 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Teenagers.
Some whom are regularly out of town for school and are now home.
Two girls close in age.
Constantly one against the other until it ends physically.
I begged them for respect each other, fill the bucket I tried it all and it's not working Sad



Being physical has a huge fee in our home.

Most teenagers don't want to risk a 20 dollar bill for a one time fist.

I talk to them on a one to one about saying mean things and how much it hurts.

With time, a lot of time actually, these talks do kick in. That's what chinuch is.
Back to top

amother




Saddlebrown
 

Post  Sun, May 03 2020, 4:15 am
crust wrote:
Being physical has a huge fee in our home.

Most teenagers don't want to risk a 20 dollar bill for a one time fist.

I talk to them on a one to one about saying mean things and how much it hurts.

With time, a lot of time actually, these talks do kick in. That's what chinuch is.


And if the child refuses to give you the money? Or says that sibling 1 should give because he "started it"?
Back to top

amother




Lime
 

Post  Sun, May 03 2020, 8:50 am
Don't have any advice at the moment because same here. But thanks for reminding me that it's pretty normal.
Back to top

amother




Plum
 

Post  Sun, May 03 2020, 10:31 pm
Bla!!! I feel so in place here.. 2 girls almost 6 and 7! From verbal to physical. Older 1 being super sensitive . I can't anymore!!
Back to top

amother




Lime
 

Post  Sun, May 03 2020, 10:38 pm
crust wrote:
Wherever there are siblings there is rivalry.

Unless...
1. They are by nature more easy going or not assertive.

2. They they have to watch over each other because their parents are not functional.

3. They are afraid that their parents will intervene in an abusive way.

(Someone told me that when she fought with her sister one of them would take chances (mid fight! 😂) to see if their (abusive) father hasn't backed into the driveway yet. They knew if he sees them fighting he will give it to them.)


So, unless it's not safe...
Sit back. Enjoy the scene.

My kids love hearing what we used to fight about.
(Ususally it was about;
a song not carried correctly or
the harmony was off or
"I started the song so you be quiet" or
"what you said is not grammatically correct".).


This post gave me a lot of chizzuk today. I even explained it my kids, how the fact that they can act out normally is a sign of a healthy household bh.

It helped!
Back to top

amother




Lime
 

Post  Sun, May 03 2020, 10:38 pm
Sorry. Double posted
Back to top

amother




Magenta
 

Post  Sun, May 03 2020, 11:09 pm
My favorite line is be nice to your sister you are going to want her to take care of me when I am old. (I only have teen DDs) -They do see how my sister and I actually bend over backwards to make sure we don't impose on the other one when caring for my mom who is fine but can be needy.

I also love to threaten them with things I said when they were 4 - that I will make them sit in the time out corner, that Hashem gave them henties (hands) for Mitzvah and I will make them make a list of mitzvot they can do with their hands, ....or anything else are used to say. They usually either dissolve in to laughter, or whine- but no, really...to which I interrupted them and say back to her but no really-figure it out you're 16 years old.

Oh, I also tell them that they cannot injure each other, we are not going to the corona infested ER.

B"H, I really, really cannot complain.
Back to top

thunderstorm




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, May 03 2020, 11:26 pm
For me this is our life. Two oldest boys and two youngest boys rival each other. My sister and I never got along until I had a couple of kids and then somehow we connected and became friends. But she was an adult already.
Sometimes I laugh listening to the older two bicker . But the younger two trigger me a lot because it brings me back bad memories of my own childhood rivalry.
Back to top

crust




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, May 03 2020, 11:37 pm
amother [ Saddlebrown ] wrote:
And if the child refuses to give you the money? Or says that sibling 1 should give because he "started it"?


There is a way of making a rule so its logical to all the people that have to follow it.

I don't have many rules in my home.
This is one of the selct few.

And don't think for one minute that no one ever tried to get away with it.

It's hard to explain my entire philosophy here. You have to know me as a person to understand my mehalech from a few posts.

Did sibling 1 actually start? A mother knows. This rule is not valid if there is a bullying situation meaning that Chaim claims victim but he is actually the one starting the physical fight.
Back to top
Recent Topics

Page 1 of 1 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Anyone have info about the Shaarei grab 'n go in Flatbush?
by amother
5 Yesterday at 6:09 pm View last post
Did anyone get Torah Temima box delivered today?
by amother
111 Yesterday at 5:58 pm View last post
by bsy
Anyone have info about the lunch pick-ups?
by amother
943 Yesterday at 11:49 am View last post
Anyone have this? I keep freaking out!?
by amother
8 Yesterday at 10:57 am View last post
Does anyone have more info about what happened in Baltimore? 14 Thu, Jul 09 2020, 12:37 am View last post
by M.C.

Jump to: