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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Question for JPF and MO moms of teen boys



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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, May 04 2020, 12:46 am
Some background - we live in Lakewood and send our kids to Lakewood schools that in Lakewood are considered more to the left. The boys in my son’s yeshiva are not sheltered boys at all, and that’s ok with us as we haven’t raised our son to be very sheltered either. He’s a really good kid, mature, honest and not rebellious at all. In general I’ve left movie and book choices up to my husband when it comes to my son. I know my husband is not as picky as I would be, but it’s just worked out that way for various reasons. My son is 14.

Tonight they were starting a movie and I decided to join them. Halfway through the movie I texted my husband that I really don’t feel it’s appropriate (I didn’t want to say anything out loud bec I was hoping the specific references that bothered me went over my son’s head). So my husband stopped it and we told my son it’s not appropriate for him. He was disappointed but mature about it. When he went to bed, my husband said that he totally understands why it bothered me, but that he feels that as my son gets older it’s harder to find very clean movies that he’ll enjoy (he’s way past childish movies and he wants cool action and plot twists, not old movies). He says that my son’s friends watch anything they want, and he feels that if we restrict him too much, he’ll end up going behind our backs. My husband would rather watch movies together with him so that he feels he’s getting to watch them without having the need to hide it. I completely agree and I think it’s an important point. But I guess the question is where do I draw the line? Do you have specific guidelines that you follow? What’s your policy re language, violence, s-xual references etc. I’m interested in hearing from both JPF and MO moms as I feel our hashkafos align similarly with both. I know each family will have their own comfort level, but I want to get a feel for what’s normal and what is best for a frum teenage boy growing up in this crazy world. I want to hear honest and realistic advice.

Thank you!
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amother
Babypink


 

Post Mon, May 04 2020, 1:19 am
My DH feels the boys are going to see and hear everything anyway so by 14 he lets them have free reign. We are MO.
I am just the stepmom so I dont really get a say and just keep my mouth shut. But my boys friends parents seem to be the same. No one is secretly coming over to my house to watch something their parents forbid. the kids are all watching at home and then discussing with each other.
So theres not much for me to fight against.

DH does have ongoing discussions with our sons about s*x, respecting women, etc.
(BTW, there is a MO forum if you feel this post is not getting the responses you want)
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, May 04 2020, 1:25 am
amother [ Babypink ] wrote:
My DH feels the boys are going to see and hear everything anyway so by 14 he lets them have free reign. We are MO.
I am just the stepmom so I dont really get a say and just keep my mouth shut. But my boys friends parents seem to be the same. No one is secretly coming over to my house to watch something their parents forbid. the kids are all watching at home and then discussing with each other.
So theres not much for me to fight against.

DH does have ongoing discussions with our sons about s*x, respecting women, etc.
(BTW, there is a MO forum if you feel this post is not getting the responses you want)

Thanks so much for responding. It’s really helpful to hear from others. Hope to hear some more!
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amother
Oak


 

Post Mon, May 04 2020, 1:29 am
My boys are now men in their 20s, so I think I can say we've seen good results.

We didn't censor things, but we made sure they had lots of healthy alternatives to watching TV and movies. So they didn't get the feeling that there was all this great stuff being forbidden to them, but they didn't spend a lot of time watching media either. Dh and I aren't big TV/movie people ourselves.

Sometimes we'd watch movies as a family, too. We spoke openly at the dinner table about current events, and when matters of a s*xual nature came up, we spoke calmly and openly. (We still do.)
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amother
Lavender


 

Post Mon, May 04 2020, 2:33 am
My boys are also in their twenties now. When they were young there wasn't much watching of tv or movies. Not for religious reasons, it was just how we did things. Sunday we would watch old movies or sports. As they got older that changed and they began to watch more movies and tv. I tried to stay away from movies with too much violence, and where drugs were normalized. I felt that if they watched movies where everyone was doing drugs they would come away thinking it was ok.
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Mon, May 04 2020, 8:20 am
Has he watch "Heartland"? Very good strong male characters, mild violence (to protect the good), mild romantic interest, a tiny bit of salty language, but pretty rare.

I think it's good for anyone 12 and up, and I enjoy it as an adult, too.
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chanchy123




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 04 2020, 8:24 am
I completely agree with your husband. I draw my line at nudity and explicit s-xuality. I.e. guy and a girl briefly in bed completely covered not a big deal (the idea that people are intimate and romantic is totally fine - spare me the details). Scantly clad or very explicit behavior - not ok. I have DS watch in common areas and DH or I will comment if/when we see something inappropriate.
ETA
my teens (boy and girl) enjoy watching stupid superhero shows and movies - action packed and not super zxual - they do spew are very liberal/progressive values that contradict our family values, we discuss them.
I'd imagine your son probably watches similar things.
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