Where do I go from here? Heartbroken from DD

amother

Smokey

Wed, May 13 2020, 4:43 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

My sister's XH worked hard to alienate the children from her. My sister was able to stop complete alienation by doing heavy bribing and refraining from all discipline. But that is not a
normal parental relationship. And these anti-alieantion tactics don't always work either.

I so understand the bolded. Very true in my case and very unfair to the child/children. So I see you basically believe we can try but really there is magic 100% solution.

Did your sister try a therapist that specializes in alienation? I haven't tried that and wonder if it's worth it.

#BestBubby

Wed, May 13 2020, 5:12 pm

CiCi wrote:

I never knew there's such a thing as parental alienation. It's really scary how depraved people can be and the lengths they go to to hurt others for no reason at all.

Much hatzlacha and I hope the situation takes a turn for the best.

Recently, Jewish newspapers and magazines have had letters from parents crying that THERAPISTS alienated their adult married children from them and now they have no contact with their children or grandchildren. It happens more often than you think.

computergirl

Wed, May 13 2020, 5:15 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

I take those letters with a grain of salt. You're hearing 1-exactly 1-side of the story. I don't know this person, I don't know their children, for all I know they are horribly abusive parents and the children were right to alienate themselves from them. Not judging either way, of course the parents could be in the right, but way too little information to make a judgement.

#BestBubby

Wed, May 13 2020, 5:37 pm

amother [ Smokey ] wrote:

Did not use therapist specializing in alienation.

But there are many free articles online by professionals for tips in dealing with parental alienation.

amother

Wed, May 13 2020, 7:44 pm

He did call my bluff! I'm a wreck all day.

Besides that, my son is upping the violent, out of control behavior now that DD calmed down. He initiated physical conflict the entire day, and it got really crazy. I'm working on getting him into therapy, but it's not an instantaneous thing and I am at my wits end with him! I tried to have a Rav speak to him yesterday but he refused to get on the phone, yelling that it's not "his" Rav and he will choose which Rav is his Rav--this is my 9 YO. Scary echoes of DH.

If anyone has any knowledge about what kind of terms to set for a get, can you enlighten me? That's where we're holding now Crying

even though that's not at all what I want. I told him I'm willing to work on the marriage if he is, but apparently he's not interested.

mommy3b2c

Wed, May 13 2020, 7:50 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

even though that's not at all what I want. I told him I'm willing to work on the marriage if he is, but apparently he's not interested.

I am so sorry for your pain. Please know that I and so many others care. I really have no idea about how to prepare for a divorce, I’m sure others on here will have more practical advice. But what I do know is that you need to move forward with separation. I know that it must be excruciatingly painful but only two things can happen if you stay strong and push forward:

1) he will see you are serious and really change
2) you will get divorced and your life will finally be calm and happy again

Either way it’s a win. It’s a hard battle but you will still win. Please get a good therapist and a very smart rav that deals with these things on your team.

Laiya

Wed, May 13 2020, 8:07 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

even though that's not at all what I want. I told him I'm willing to work on the marriage if he is, but apparently he's not interested.

I'm so sorry you're in this difficult situation. If you are seriously, or even half seriously, thinking about divorce, please speak with an attorney before you mention anything about it to dh.

#BestBubby

Wed, May 13 2020, 8:10 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

even though that's not at all what I want. I told him I'm willing to work on the marriage if he is, but apparently he's not interested.

OP, your DH is your enemy - be glad he is willing to give you a get.

I know it is soooooo sad to have your dream of a happy marriage destroyed. But that dream was
never going to happen with your DH.

Please try to record any evidence of kids telling you that DH says they don't have to listen to you or recordings of DH saying you to the kids you are crazy. Divorcing an abuser is dangerous. Consult with Sholom Task Force and a lawyer experienced in helping Abused women get custody.

Praying for you and your kids.

CiCi

Wed, May 13 2020, 8:19 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

even though that's not at all what I want. I told him I'm willing to work on the marriage if he is, but apparently he's not interested.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I'd love to help you but don't know what to tell you except you should end up having much nachas from your children.

amother

Wed, May 13 2020, 8:21 pm

The Rav from the Beis Din told me to write up a list of my terms for child support in order to accept the get. Basically, we gave him an ultimatum and he chose giving a get. I really just wanted to shake him up and spook him, but he called my bluff. He is very motivated by having to spend money, so the Rav said maybe if he sees how much he'll have to spend, he'll back down and agree to change. I'm trying to figure out the amount I should ask for.

Hatemywig

Wed, May 13 2020, 9:14 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Dear OP,

Please contact a lawyer ASAP!

#BestBubby

Wed, May 13 2020, 9:19 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

OP, if you stay with him, he will turn all your children against you. He won't do it so blatantly as he is doing now, but he can accomplish this in ways you can never prove.

I urge you to leave before your children become your enemies.

imasinger

Wed, May 13 2020, 9:33 pm

1. You cannot save this marriage singlehandedly. If he doesn't want to continue, you need to protect yourself.

2. If finances will shock him into a second thought, then getting a lawyer to help you prepare the costs he'll face makes more sense than trying to figure it out yourself.

Either way, good legal counsel is a very good idea right now.

#BestBubby

Wed, May 13 2020, 9:48 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

even though that's not at all what I want. I told him I'm willing to work on the marriage if he is, but apparently he's not interested.

OP, now that the Rov and Family Mentor got your DD to stop physically attacking you, your DH
persuaded your DS to physically attack you. Your DH COACHED your son to refuse to listen
to the Rav saying it is not "his" Rav - as you stated, that is not something a 9 y.o. knows on his own.

Bottom line, your DH will continue to alienate your children and encourage them to HIT you and
disrespect you.

WHY do you want to stay with him???

amother

Peach

Thu, May 14 2020, 12:15 am

You dont get a get at the blink of an eye. It takes time. If you want a divorce, by all means, consult a lawyer. That is how you would progress. But if youre just doing it to scare dh, quit while you are ahead, its a ridiculous game move. Your life is not a game. But divorced or not the parenting is in dire need of fixing, they are still going to have you and dh as parents. Period. Together or apart. You have young children out of control not because they are monsters but because the parents must parent. From what you write, it sounds like your dh does care about the children yet severely is on a different page than you in parenting. If you need to blame yourself to get dh on board. Take a hit for the greater good. Run for intensive parenting help. Run. You tell dh you find someone to zoom with you and do immersive intense parenting training together because your differences are messing up the kids who are the whole world to you and to him. Tell him you need him to be there in it with you so you can get there together and bring peace to your house. You think he is the problem and he clearly thinks you are the problem. A third party can do what you cannot do alone.

amother

Thu, May 14 2020, 12:34 am

amother [ Peach ] wrote:

You make a lot of sense. He isn't usually willing to go to third parties though. I might might have someone he would listen to, so maybe I could try that avenue. I already put the divorce on him by telling him I'm willing to work on the marriage but apparently he is not. He doesn't want to be responsible for such a drastic step, he wants it to be my fault.

amother

Mauve

Thu, May 14 2020, 12:46 am

Your dh has immediately agreed to get a divorce. Certainly unusual. Now you're going to back down and try to get more experts involved.

Conclusion: it seems dh knows exactly whom he's dealing with. He's had zero respect for you till now and believes he can mess with you with no consenquences. Please dont prove him right. And I've never heard of discussing get terms a day after bringing up divorce! You need to separate first.