Who does the finances in your family?

amother

Mon, May 11 2020, 1:14 pm

Who does the finances in your marriage?
why was it set up that way?
Has that changed over time?

I remember my mothers friend telling me unequivocally that the woman should always run the finances and later read in the Empowered Wife that its better for the husband to.

Finances are a big sholom bayis issue for us. Wondering how it works in other marriages so I can try find some solutions and systems to argue less about this.

HonesttoGod

Mon, May 11 2020, 1:22 pm

We do it together.
We sit down bi-weekly and review our budget, create the new one together every month, write down what has to be paid and then each pay the cards we have saved on our phone etc.

It used to be my husband was mostly in charge, he was good with numbers and would pay the credit cards and bills as they came.
But we went through some stuff and were in a LOT of debt. So we brainstormed together, found Dave Ramsey, and we started doing our budget weekly making sure to pay all our bills together. We both run the house, we are both adults, it is both our responsibility.

I think the concept of women doing it on their own is wrong, as is the man being fully in charge, also wrong. If one passes away G-d forbid, how will the other survive? If one is more in charge than the other or one is more understanding than the other, fine. But both need to know what is going on and understand how it works.

et27

Mon, May 11 2020, 1:27 pm

When I was newly married I used to do the finances for the most part and I definitely brought in more income than my husband. I also heard of the concept of the husband managing finances in the empowered wife type of thinking. I decided to completely give it over to my husband. He occasionally asks me to take care of a particular bill or phone call but BH it's his responsibility now and he has proven himself very capable. I still get insurance through my work so I have easier access to some info but responsibility is all his BH. I would never go back.

et27

Mon, May 11 2020, 1:32 pm

[quote="amother [ OP ]"I remember my mothers friend telling me unequivocally that the woman should always run the finances "[/quote]

That sounds to me that she doesn't trust her husband to do a good job and that she feels she could do it better. Not a healthy attitude in my opinion. In a particular case it might make more sense for the wife to do it but her blanket statement sounds borderline disrespectful and non-trusting. I'm sure it would extend to expecting incompetence in other areas too.

I've also heard that men feel like men when they are successful in supporting their families and successful in the bedroom. Women who allow their husbands to shine in these areas have husbands who feel good about their accomplishments.

amother

Cobalt

Mon, May 11 2020, 1:44 pm

Dh does the taxes and outside stuff. I manage the banks and pay the bills. So basically we do it together. If there is a problem we discuss it

amother

Powderblue

Mon, May 11 2020, 1:49 pm

DH.

Initially, it was me, but the dynamic became that he was the spender and I was the saver - DH wasn't raised to be conscious of money, so we were always over budget, and it drove me insane.

We tried different joint methods: monthly meetings, reporting our spending to each other etc. Nothing worked.

Finally, I tossed it all on him, and he started learning where our income really went. That was a years-long wake-up journey for him.

Today, he's an excellent budget manager, and a hard worker. He still manages our budgeting , because it's easier for one person to keep track of it all than two, and we jointly sit down over the numbers occasionally so I'm still in the loop when it comes to project planning. I'm really impressed by and proud of him, and we're consistently coming under budget, BH. All thanks to him.

amother

Mint

Mon, May 11 2020, 2:26 pm

my dh.

he's good with numbers, excel spreadsheets, figuring out investments... he has more of the mind for it. he also earns the money. I'm in the loop. he won't usually buy a big purchase without running it by me ( except if its a present). I can spend what I want but don't spend large amounts without running it by him- basically it works the same both ways. we are a team but he "does" the finances. I have access to all accounts ( except retirement) and can see the spreadsheets.

amother

Violet

Mon, May 11 2020, 2:32 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

What are you arguing about?

amother

Turquoise

Mon, May 11 2020, 2:36 pm

I have always been in charge of my own finances, through singlehood, first marriage and during my divorced years.
When I re-married my dh asked it as the "one" thing he wanted to be in charge of. So I handed it off to him but I had access to see anything I wanted.
10 years later and a realization that he never knew how much money was anywhere and I took it over. We both have access now but I make sure our accounts can cover our expenses.
To his credit he is a very very low spender so, though he had no idea how much money was anywhere, it didn't much matter. Until we bought our house. Then we needed to know exactly how much was in each of our savings and investment accounts.

amother

Mustard

Mon, May 11 2020, 2:58 pm

I do, my husband has nothing to do with our finances except for getting his paychecks direct deposited to our joint account. When he gets paid I pay bills, move money to different accounts, etc. He knows how much he gets paid and how much our rent is but he's pretty much in the dark about everything else. He'll ask which card to use for what or if we have extra money for some things or he'll mention when there's something specific he wants me to start saving for and I will. I offered in the past to keep him involved with the finances but he finds it stressful and confusing so he's happy to not know as long as everything gets paid on time and we can buy groceries. I'm very fastidious about record keeping and he knows where all of our financial records are and how to access them so it's not a secret that I'm keeping from him, at all, he's just not interested.

amother

Chocolate

Mon, May 11 2020, 3:11 pm

I used to while my husband was in kollel and I was working.
Then it became too complicated, there was not enough money to pay all the bills at the same time and tuition. When we had to juggle which bill gets paid first, I was too stressed out! My husband never get stressed out,no matter what ,so now he's in charge. I think I would do a much better job at it, but for my sanity I look the other way!

amother

Papaya

Mon, May 11 2020, 3:14 pm

DH. He's very good about paying everything on time and I'm way too disorganized and end up incurring late fees. I do the in person banking though because I can get to the bank when they're open. Nowadays we can do most of that online though.

amother

Bronze

Mon, May 11 2020, 3:16 pm

I'm pretty much like my dad, Bill arrived, there's money in the bank, pay now. Hub is like, still got time for due date. And I can't take it
But Best shalom bayis here.....ha
At the end of the day, bills that are on my husband's name he pays and bills on my name I pay-we don't do online payments. I wish one day hub to fully be incharge, that's how it's by my parents and I like it very much. He knows it ha
1 of my sister-in-laws told her husband, after 5 kids, I either take care of kids or bills, can't both LOL

stillnewlywed

Mon, May 11 2020, 3:18 pm

Both of us are involved. I take care of actually making the payment if need be, but it's a joint discussion. We both have the bank app on our phone and check it often. We mostly use our debit card so all purchases show up instantly. All our bills are on auto pay.

amother

Denim

Mon, May 11 2020, 3:24 pm

DH actually pays most of the bills. But all our finances are joint and we both have total access to them. I tend to pay the couple credit cards that I use mostly.
Every so often we go through the basic expenses and where we are holding.

amother

Chartreuse

Mon, May 11 2020, 3:25 pm

My husband makes all the money puts all the money in his own name I beg for twenty dollars at a time I feel like a bag lady it’s hotrible I worry what will happen if he dies his statements go to a P.O. Box that I don’t have access to