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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Preschoolers
My 4-yo is easily frustrated and hits



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amother
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Post Mon, May 11 2020, 9:12 pm
My 4 yo has a super low tolerance for frustration. How can I help him?

If I put out a meal or snack he doesn't like, he'll scream and say, "Ichy!" He often throws it on the floor. I'm trying to teach him to say "no, thank you" and push it away but he still gets really upset.

When his almost 3-yo brother bothers him, he turns and hits him - hard. He's much bigger and always turns to hitting as his first response, even though the younger one doesn't hit him - he just plays with 4 yo's toys.

he's supposed to go to a big school next year for kindergarten (please G-d) and they don't tolerate hitting.

The only thing that I can do is threaten to slap him - he responds to that. I hardly even have to hit him because he's really scared of being slapped. Usually I just count to 3 and he runs away.

I don't want to hit him. But I don't know what else works.

TIA
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trixx




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 11 2020, 11:24 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My 4 yo has a super low tolerance for frustration. How can I help him?

If I put out a meal or snack he doesn't like, he'll scream and say, "Ichy!" He often throws it on the floor. I'm trying to teach him to say "no, thank you" and push it away but he still gets really upset.

When his almost 3-yo brother bothers him, he turns and hits him - hard. He's much bigger and always turns to hitting as his first response, even though the younger one doesn't hit him - he just plays with 4 yo's toys.

he's supposed to go to a big school next year for kindergarten (please G-d) and they don't tolerate hitting.

The only thing that I can do is threaten to slap him - he responds to that. I hardly even have to hit him because he's really scared of being slapped. Usually I just count to 3 and he runs away.

I don't want to hit him. But I don't know what else works.

TIA


So basically you taught him by example that to get your way or when you're feeling helpless, you hit.

He needs to learn emotional regulation. Model it for him. Read books on it. Practice in quiet moments.

Focus on quality time and building connection with him
Read positive discipline by Jane Nelsen
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Ora in town




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 12 2020, 1:37 am
I am sorry that you have to deal with a 4 yo with strong feelings.
I suppose that 4yo himself also suffers from his strong feelings, otherwise he would not act out.

You say that 3yo "just" takes his toys... Have you ever tried not concentrating on 4yo, but on 3 yo who takes the toy? You could try to reprimand the 3yo in a loving, a bit theatrically strict voice that he should not take 4yo's toy. And tell 3yo he should apologize for taking the toy.

In this way, 4yo will feel validated and will not have the impression that he has to fend for himself. He might even learn from you and start doing what you do instead of hitting.

When the fact that 3yo starts the fight by taking toys is routinely overlooked, 4yo will get the impression that no one is on his side, that he is disadvantaged. With time, he might learn to hit 3yo only when you are not present. Then 3yo will tattle, you will punish 4yo, 4yo will resent 3 yo, will hit againt when you are not there, etc. etc... This could deeply ruin the relationship between the two brothers....
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