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amother




OP
 

Post  Fri, May 15 2020, 6:50 pm
Whenever I'm on the phone with my daughter , she is yelling at the kids, and the kids are yelling, as well. When I come over to her house, I feel as if I'm in a house with little juvenile delinquents. However, when I bring them to my house , or take them out for the afternoon, they are well mannered , sweet , and obedient. It's obvious to me that my daughter is very bad at parenting. The problem is that I can't tell her so. One of my other married children once told her that he and his wife took some parenting classes and it helped them, and that she should consider taking some. This daughter became so insulted at this suggestion, that she stopped speaking to her brother for months.
I think if she doesn't change her methods of parenting she is going to cause emotional harm to her kids. I've heard her call them animals, and other such terrible things. Btw, her husband isn't any better. When he's home he yells at them constantly , as well. I asked another child of mine whether she remembers me yelling when they were young, and she said "you never yelled". I don't know where my daughter learned to yell like that and I'm wondering what approach I should take.
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amother




Babyblue
 

Post  Fri, May 15 2020, 6:52 pm
Nvm
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amother




OP
 

Post  Fri, May 15 2020, 7:34 pm
[quote="amother [ Babyblue ]"]Nvm[

???????
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trixx




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, May 15 2020, 7:34 pm
Pay for a parenting course and make like she won it randomly?
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Fave




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, May 15 2020, 7:39 pm
I don’t think you can help your daughter help yourself. You should try to provide a safe haven for her kids.
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amother




Violet
 

Post  Fri, May 15 2020, 7:48 pm
I don't know if any of my advice is practical but I'm so sorry for your grandkids. I grew up with a parent who yelled all the time and it wasn't great. Definitely being a safe place for them is one of the best things you can do for them. I had friends whose parents I looked up to and got positive examples of parents from, family members who were overly kind to us because they know how our home environment was. I don't think there's a way to get someone to change unless they're willing to admit that maybe they have some room to grow and are willing to put in the work. There are so many parenting books, magazines, websites out there I don't know if she would be so over the top offended if she got an anonymous Amazon gift package of parenting books or if she would actually consider flipping through one. Or same if someone just happened to sign up her email address for parenting tips via email.
Usually I'm not a fan of the cloak and dagger approach but if directly suggesting it is just going to create a host of problems then maybe the anonymous approach might work? Who knows, maybe she was too embarrassed to admit it to her brother but would look at a book if no one knew she had it? I don't know. It's a tough situation.
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amother




Brunette
 

Post  Sat, May 16 2020, 8:54 am
It sounds like she’s struggling, she probably knows that things aren’t ideal at home, but telling her she needs parenting help will only make her feel worse.

Maybe try to talk to her about how she’s doing, how she’s feeling... maybe she needs help and support.

Something is going on that is hindering her ability to cope, check in with her about her own wellbeing.

A happy mom is a happy home.
Maybe she needs some help for herself that will in turn help the whole house.
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amother




Amethyst
 

Post  Sat, May 16 2020, 3:51 pm
No advice, just sympathy. My DD is also a very bad parent. Breaks my heart.
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amother




Sapphire
 

Post  Sat, May 16 2020, 9:53 pm
amother [ Brunette ] wrote:
It sounds like she’s struggling, she probably knows that things aren’t ideal at home, but telling her she needs parenting help will only make her feel worse.

Maybe try to talk to her about how she’s doing, how she’s feeling... maybe she needs help and support.

Something is going on that is hindering her ability to cope, check in with her about her own wellbeing.

A happy mom is a happy home.
Maybe she needs some help for herself that will in turn help the whole house.


Not enough to like. People arent usually bad people. There have been times when I was behaving similar. And depending on the spirit with which comments were made to me, mad if they were dont publicly, I may well have not sounded very receptive.

There are so many ways a person can be suffering, from a horrible husband to ppd and beyond. A motherly warm hug and a truly concerned, NON JUDGMENTAL "Is everything ok?" Can go alot alot further than anonymous books and emails.

I have tears in my eyes thinking of her. Unless she's totally blind or stupid, she knows what's going on, and it's not a pretty place to be.
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amother




Chocolate
 

Post  Sat, May 16 2020, 10:16 pm
I also think be kind to your daughter . Maybe commiserate how hard children can be and you'd love to be able to give her some time for herself and husband and can offer to watch them sometimes
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amother




Orange
 

Post  Sat, May 16 2020, 10:49 pm
Give her 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, by Jeffrey Bernstein. It's more palatable because the title suggests the kid is the issue rather than the parent, but the content of the book is really all parenting skills. The chapter called Coaching Yourself Out of the Yelling Trap is very useful.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, May 16 2020, 11:04 pm
Your DD sounds very stressed.

Can you offer to make suppers, pay for extra cleaning help or mothers helper?

Be there for the kids, taking them for outings as much as you can.

Davven.
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ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, May 16 2020, 11:10 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
Your DD sounds very stressed.

Can you offer to make suppers, pay for extra cleaning help or mothers helper?

Be there for the kids, taking them for outings as much as you can.

Davven.
I agree with this. A mother that yells like that is massively stressed out! she is not a bad person! I second the opinions that say to offer how you can help her out during this stressful time.
BHatzlocha! And davening that your offers should be accepted with a happy heart and it should ease her load.
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STMommy




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, May 16 2020, 11:15 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Whenever I'm on the phone with my daughter , she is yelling at the kids, and the kids are yelling, as well. When I come over to her house, I feel as if I'm in a house with little juvenile delinquents. However, when I bring them to my house , or take them out for the afternoon, they are well mannered , sweet , and obedient. It's obvious to me that my daughter is very bad at parenting. The problem is that I can't tell her so. One of my other married children once told her that he and his wife took some parenting classes and it helped them, and that she should consider taking some. This daughter became so insulted at this suggestion, that she stopped speaking to her brother for months.
I think if she doesn't change her methods of parenting she is going to cause emotional harm to her kids. I've heard her call them animals, and other such terrible things. Btw, her husband isn't any better. When he's home he yells at them constantly , as well. I asked another child of mine whether she remembers me yelling when they were young, and she said "you never yelled". I don't know where my daughter learned to yell like that and I'm wondering what approach I should take.


Do you think they got that way by luck or by accident?
Agree with the other posters that your plan should be to reduce the stress in the home any way you can and stop looking at this as a case of bad parenting.
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amother




Cerise
 

Post  Sat, May 16 2020, 11:17 pm
I agree with best bubby and shishkebab
It can also be she has sholom bayis issues so shes more irritable! And I'm sure the whole lock down is not no school being home with kids all day can cause extra stress and overwhelming
Be there for her, be supportive and loving, if you can help out physically or financially I'm sure that will ease some of her burden.
Daven! And be the best bubby that u can be to the grandkids shower them with lots and lots of love
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ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, May 16 2020, 11:23 pm
P.S. I try to speak to my mom only when it's quiet here. the reason is twofold. One, it's difficult to have a conversation when there's yelling in the background and it sound horrible to the person on the other end.
Two, the yelling sounds worse to the person on the other end, than it sounds in the actual home.
my mom is always saying how I barely yell. she is amazed.
I actually do try not to yell, but for sure not while on the phone.
One more thing. Is it possible that you call her during crunch time?
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crust




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, May 16 2020, 11:27 pm
I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine how helpless this feels.

You can't help your daughter, in my very humble opinion. (G-d grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...)

You can help your grandchildren. (And the courage to change the things I can...)

Can you, in a very smart way, offer to have the kids over? Even one child at a time and even if only for an hour at once.

You dont have to do anything extravagant with them. Just being in a safe and peaceful environment is huge.

To know that they have a place to be where nobody is screaming at them yet it's close enough to be called second home can literally give them the emotional stability to pull through.
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Jewishmom8




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, May 17 2020, 12:45 am
ShishKabob wrote:
P.S. I try to speak to my mom only when it's quiet here. the reason is twofold. One, it's difficult to have a conversation when there's yelling in the background and it sound horrible to the person on the other end.
Two, the yelling sounds worse to the person on the other end, than it sounds in the actual home.
my mom is always saying how I barely yell. she is amazed.
I actually do try not to yell, but for sure not while on the phone.
One more thing. Is it possible that you call her during crunch time?

this exactly. I only speak to my in laws and my parents when it is quiet over here.
I hardly speak to them these days but that is when we speak.
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amother




Cerulean
 

Post  Sun, May 17 2020, 1:39 am
If her kids act like animals at home and well behaved with you, they probably feel more secure at home. Abused children behave really well. So she's probably overwhelmed and stressed. what are you doing to help?
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amother




Cerulean
 

Post  Sun, May 17 2020, 1:44 am
Jewishmom8 wrote:
this exactly. I only speak to my in laws and my parents when it is quiet over here.
I hardly speak to them these days but that is when we speak.


I try this but then my MIL complains that I don't call her often enough my husband gets mad at me etc. But the flip side is she's offended that I'm busy and inattentive when we talk.

My mother is annoyed I don't come and visit often enough with the kids but doesn't want to visit me because "she's busy" and "my house is messy and she will feel like she needs to help me"
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