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Daughter needs parenting skills
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amother




Aqua
 

Post  Sun, May 17 2020, 4:09 am
I agree with other posters that she sounds stressed. I dont know if your dd is working a job and doing it all is too much or if her children are extra challenging (unlike yours). (You wouldn't necessarily know this as you taking them out is easier than getting them to do things that parents need to get kids to do like, do hw, take showers/teeth, go to bed.. etc....until you tell them to do all those things for at least 2 weeks and see how they behave, then you cant say they are good with you and bad with her bec of her parenting.)

Also, if her dh yells, then either he is stressed too or that is his way of dealing with kids such that if your dd doesn't want to constantly yell, it seems her dh is not calm either so she is not getting parenting support from him either. This is another stress factor for your dd. Yes, I'd be very angry if my relatives criticized my parenting especially bec like I pointed out above, unless you live with the children trying to get them to do things kids dont like to do, you dont really know that you would do a better job.

So, I agree with others that you should do things to help your dd be less stressed.. example, maybe sending over dinner that her kids would eat or offering to help work with child x on hw/kriah/...etc..(obviously after corona)....

It's easy to criticize parenting unless you are living in that person's shoes. Grandparents or relatives taking kids out or...is very different than working with those children everyday. And, some children are more challenging that some parents who think they are great parents would also "yell" if they had these challenges in their children.

My relative was an older single, always criticized my parenting. I finally stopped talking with her and stopped letting her visit(bec I didnt want to hurt her to say(you are not even a parent yet). When she became a parent, she never apologized to me but she did tell another relative(who told me) that she realizes it is very hard to parent and work and......
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, May 17 2020, 4:43 am
A friend of mine has incredible phone etiquette. She always starts a call with "Hi, this is Sara. Do you have time to talk?"

It gives you permission to gracefully say yes or no, without feeling like you are pushing the person away, or being resentful of them calling at a bad time.

If there is a lot of screaming in the background, it's fine to say "It sounds like you're having a really busy day. Would there be a better time to call you?"

I also agree with the posters who said to spend as much time with your grandkids as possible.
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sequoia




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, May 17 2020, 4:58 am
From the perspective of my generation, incredible phone etiquette is never, ever, ever calling Smile
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amother




Natural
 

Post  Sun, May 17 2020, 10:11 am
OP, I admire how you are trying to help your daughter without overstepping your boundaries or belittling her. It sounds like you really do want to help but if I may make one suggestion as a young mother myself, it would be to offer to do something consistently. For example, offer to take out one child every Tuesday afternoon or pay for weekly cleaning help or tell her you're sending her salads for shabbos until further notice. There is something amazing about being able to rely on help. You can plan with it in mind and it has a calming effect. Obviously, you are human and might have to cancel here and there, and if you think this will make her upset, make it clear from the get go.
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amother




Slateblue
 

Post  Sun, May 17 2020, 10:15 am
Btw,
I yell a lot and bad about it.
My mother never yelled at us as kids.
BUT my father did!!
Did your dh? Maybe she learned it from him?

But lemaisah, I agree with poster at the top of page 2
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the world's best mom




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, May 17 2020, 10:35 am
It is normal for children to misbehave more when they are at home with their parent/s than they do with grandparents. And when children misbehave at home, of course it's ideal for mothers to never yell ever, but I wonder how often that actually happens. Maybe she is more stressed when she's on the phone with you, and ends up yelling more then.

I think your dd will be extremely insulted if you make any suggestions. Instead, you can help ease her stress by taking the kids out more. Especially now, when life is just so stressful for mothers with little kids at home, of course she is stressed.
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