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What do I put on my matzevah? (non-Jewish father)

 
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, May 21 2020, 2:32 pm
I'm in my 20s, I'm a BT, and my father isn't Jewish. (I have had no contact with him since I was a young teenager; he was physically and emotionally abusive. A real rasha and I hope to never interact with him again.)

I know this topic is morbid, but it's been on my mind so much in the past year or so: What name is a person in my situation supposed to put on her matzevah for the father's name? Can I put X bas Avraham? Do I have to just include my father's non-Jewish name?

Thank you all for your help
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essie14




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, May 21 2020, 2:37 pm
You should probably AYLOR but my friend whose father is not Jewish (mother is) gets called up to the Torah as X Ben Avraham
(He also chose his own Hebrew name when he became frum because his parents never gave him one)
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Surplus




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, May 21 2020, 3:08 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I'm in my 20s, I'm a BT, and my father isn't Jewish. (I have had no contact with him since I was a young teenager; he was physically and emotionally abusive. A real rasha and I hope to never interact with him again.)

I know this topic is morbid, but it's been on my mind so much in the past year or so: What name is a person in my situation supposed to put on her matzevah for the father's name? Can I put X bas Avraham? Do I have to just include my father's non-Jewish name?

Thank you all for your help

How about only your mother’s name? Would that be an option?
I give you a bracha to live to see Moshiach so this issue will be resolved.... May it be speedily in our days!
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amother




Copper
 

Post  Thu, May 21 2020, 3:11 pm
Many BTs write bas Avrohom Aveinu
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amother




Lavender
 

Post  Thu, May 21 2020, 3:32 pm
amother [ Copper ] wrote:
Many BTs write bas Avrohom Aveinu


It doesn’t have to be with “Aveinu” so as to retain a persons dignity. This was my son’s psak based on his situation.
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PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, May 21 2020, 3:54 pm
Do you have a rav you can ask? That might leave you with real menuchas hanefesh.
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sequoia




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, May 21 2020, 4:31 pm
amother [ Lavender ] wrote:
It doesn’t have to be with “Aveinu” so as to retain a persons dignity. This was my son’s psak based on his situation.


Wow, I had no idea this whole time when people on here said tehillim for me I was losing my dignity.

When I was a little girl, I wanted a middle name like all the American kids had. And I chose Sara. So being “bat Sarah Imeinu” is quite meaningful to me. It is reaching back to my foremother with whom the connection has not been lost through all these generations.
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Hillery




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, May 21 2020, 4:41 pm
The first time I heard about adding ineinu or aveinu was here. All my life I knew geirim are just known as ben/bas Avraham and Sarah.

OP,

AFAIK there is no halacha you have to put your father's name on a matzeivah. In this case you could just write bas your mother, especially as it doesn't sound like you want any memory of your father following you.

In any case, it really is (hopefully) quite early in the game to be worrying about this. May Hashem help that this question shouldn't arise for many more years. 😁
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PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, May 21 2020, 5:41 pm
sequoia wrote:
Wow, I had no idea this whole time when people on here said tehillim for me I was losing my dignity.

When I was a little girl, I wanted a middle name like all the American kids had. And I chose Sara. So being “bat Sarah Imeinu” is quite meaningful to me. It is reaching back to my foremother with whom the connection has not been lost through all these generations.


You're not. Some people do like to keep things under wraps, and that's ok. But it's not a matter of losing their dignity.
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amother




Crimson
 

Post  Thu, May 21 2020, 5:45 pm
I never heard of doing bas Avinu or Imeinu.
Regardless, I just want my name and the dates I was on this world on my tombstone.
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amother




Cobalt
 

Post  Thu, May 21 2020, 6:28 pm
My husband was told to call me "bas my maternal grandfather" when he is called up for a mi sheberach. Not sure what the psak is based on (On our kesuba its "bas Avraham"). Could be an option
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amother




Lavender
 

Post  Thu, May 21 2020, 10:09 pm
sequoia wrote:
Wow, I had no idea this whole time when people on here said tehillim for me I was losing my dignity.

When I was a little girl, I wanted a middle name like all the American kids had. And I chose Sara. So being “bat Sarah Imeinu” is quite meaningful to me. It is reaching back to my foremother with whom the connection has not been lost through all these generations.


You are welcome to feel how you do and do as you and your rav discuss. I stated clearly that it doesn’t HAVE to be added and that it was for my son. It had absolutely nothing to do with your feelings.
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iyar




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, May 21 2020, 11:20 pm
OP, You got some good ideas here. I’m sure you’re aware - a kesuba and a gett are legal documents and how exactly your name is recorded is very important. There’s always a rabbi around at those occasions making sure all the I’s are dotted and t’s crossed so you end up with a legally binding contract. A matzeivah is up to you. You’ll probably want to discuss it with your rav and with family members who will visit it but you choose what you’re comfortable with.
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miami85




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, May 21 2020, 11:25 pm
My husband (similar situation) was told to use his maternal grandfather's hebrew name on our kesubah, I would assume it's the same thing for matzevah, though its less formal than kesubh.
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Ruchel




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, May 22 2020, 7:37 am
When my grandmother passed, we found out some have the minhhag to use only the person name, like Yonathan Dovich not Yonathan ben Levi... or that some, like Moroccans IIRC, used the mother. In the end for my grandmother we put both parents but there wasn't a question of Jewish. So, IMVHO, bis 120, you can use whatever you want.
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