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Need advice about brothers wedding

 
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, May 21 2020, 10:44 pm
My brother is supposed to get married next month. They got engaged the end of March. I'm so frustrated!! Why did they set a date so soon? They are Frum but not so Shomer so I understand it's really hard being engaged and trying not to be too close before the wedding, but like couldn't they have done a 6 months engagement? Even a year engagement. Our Father has a lot for risk factors when it comes to covid and if he catches it, he's one of those people who are not healthy, over 65, and has a few underlying conditions, the odds are not in his favor.

So what do we do? The kallah is from New York and he is from a different state and has been Manish staying inside his room every day so he shouldnt get exposed but now he's saying he can't miss his own son's wedding. Meanwhile me and my siblings don't know what to do because we don't want to risk going to New York even thoguhw e don't have those risk factors but he want us to drive him in so he shouldn't have to go on an airplane. It would be a long drive, like many days and he wants to stretch it out so we aren't too bored having to sit in a car for so many days straight so he thinks an 8-10 day road trip with hotel visits is safer than going on a plane and they are having the wedding in the city instead of somewhere out of the city like at a cottage outdoors or soemthing.
Argh it's just so dumb! And the bride and groom aren't offering anything in terms of compromise, like having the wedding in the place where my father is instead of where she is from (new York). Since her parents and herself had travelled to Florida a few weeks ago, I'm sure they are not afraid of airplanes right now. Or they could offer to postpone it or have a tiny ceremony just to officially be married and then go have a big party in a few months. I know it's hard for them too but shouldnt they tell my father that it's ok and they understand if he can't come because of the situation. How would they feel if he goes and actually dies as a result of getting the virus! I think that guilt will be much harder to get through trauma wise than just simply postponing the wedding or just tbut not having the parents of the chosson there.
Is there a way for us kids to tell this to my brother and sis in law and parents without hurting them and telling them how stupid and reckless it is for him to go???
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imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, May 21 2020, 10:53 pm
For starters, your father should ask his doctor for advice, then share that with the machatanim.

He should continue to live and be well.

I hope everyone comes up with a reasonable solution.
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amother




Forestgreen
 

Post  Thu, May 21 2020, 11:00 pm
This is a difficult & extremely stressful time. I understand the couple not wanting a long engagement. I had a 6 month engagement & that was too long for me. No matter what the couple does it is not going to work for all family members, especially since this pandemic may last months or years. This is a time that calls for compassion and understanding. I don’t know what your father should do, there is no right answer. A few couples I know have recently had small backyard weddings and friends/family participated via Zoom or Facebook videos.
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giselle




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, May 21 2020, 11:03 pm
I’m just responding about the “short” engagement. I’m not sure what circles you’re from, but in my circles 2-3 months is average. It’s very hard for a frum couple to be engaged. I don’t know anyone pushing off their weddings.
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tigerwife




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, May 21 2020, 11:18 pm
It’s tough but to ask them to have a 6-12 month engagement is entirely unreasonable, especially since you said they are already not shomer. There have been many socially distant weddings that worked well. I’m sure you can find a solution for your family.
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amother




Maroon
 

Post  Fri, May 22 2020, 1:09 am
Short engagement does not seem to be the issue. It is why have it in Ny? Why not somewhere out of the city, by you, or in between where there is less risk for your father. But even if it is in ny, can there be a plan to have your dad attend safetly?

How about an outdoor wedding? Tents/ gazebos for the meal & dancing. Where the countries that are already opened are seeing with masks & sd , there is very little spread outdoors. Frankly, safer for all guests. And maybe you can reserve an rv for the drive in? A little daunting to drive it but much less exposure from here to there.
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amother




Gray
 

Post  Fri, May 22 2020, 1:23 am
I know many ppl getting married under strange circumstances. Parents not coming. Siblings watching over zoom.
That is what it is now.

Who wants to push off a wedding if you want to be with your future spouse.

Most weddings happening now have 20 ppl max.
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twizzlers1




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, May 22 2020, 2:16 am
Mazel tov on the wedding! First and foremost the wedding should be about the chasan and kallah. Everyone that is making a wedding now is making some sort of compromise. I know a number of people that have gotten married that their parents could not come or grandparents and that they zoomed in. To expect them to wait so long just doesn't seem to be a reasonable expectation. In any case it is there a decision so I hope that you can be happy with it so that you do not hold a grudge. And truthfully nobody knows what's going to be in the next 6 months or a year.
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amother




Babypink
 

Post  Fri, May 22 2020, 2:47 am
Dr Blumenthal (Ohel) recently spoke about the guilt that a child feels if a parent dies because of the Covid-19 he/she was exposed to by the child Sad

In the light of that, can the chosson/kallah find a compromise to keep your dad safe? How happy would they be, married or not, if chas v'chalilo...
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DVOM




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, May 22 2020, 8:48 am
A family member of mine got married this week. They had a very small (less than 50 people) ceremony/party on a farm, outdoors, in a very rural and unpopulated area of Pennsylvania. This was chosen specifically because both the bride and groom had close relatives (parents, grands) with health issues, and they wanted to minimize risk. Perhaps your brother can find a wedding venue that is a few hours outside of NY that might be a safer place for your dad to visit. As for flying vs. driving, I'd almost say it's better to fly than to be on the road for 10 days. Staying very very vigilant for 1 day (the day of the flight), perhaps getting full PPE, a very airtight mask with a filter, and sanitizing every surface your dad comes in contact with, would be much easier (in my opinion) than trying to maintain that level of safety for a week and a half.
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amother




Apricot
 

Post  Fri, May 22 2020, 12:32 pm
If they are not so shomer it might be even harder for them to wait so long than if they would be completely shomer and have gedarim. I wouldn't judge.
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