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It just feels so unfair

 
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amother




OP
 

Post  Fri, May 22 2020, 8:49 pm
My sister in law and I both have special needs children. I daven for hers, I've tried to keep up with her in her life, I've used money we didn't have to get whatever help I can. I've borrowed money to get him help. My sister in law seems to float through life. She couldn't care less about me or my child. She has reams of therapists and a million volunteers to take care of her child while she does what she wants, she doesn't worry about money, and her kid is doing amazing! Meanwhile, my child is just floundering. No matter what therapy I do, what medication I try, nothing helps. Hashem made him the way he is, and it seems there's no changing it.

I don't know why I'm comparing, but sometimes it just seems so unfair. I'm a failure, and her child is a success story. Our parents praise her child, and are standoffish with mine. She's the amazing parent, and I'm just not.

It's been a long time since I was all "why me" with my child. I've really tried to accept Hashem's nisayon/punishment. But recently, with him being home all day, I can see just how hopeless his situation really is. He has no school and no SEIT, he has no therapy going on except some zoom ones, and those are a nightmare. And it just makes me so sad. So, so sad. Like I've failed in everything, and it's because there's something wrong with me to make this situation.

I think I'm just posting this here because there's no on in my life I can tell this to. I don't expect any answers, really. But thanks for listening.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, May 23 2020, 11:52 pm
Why can't you also get volunteers to help?

And you are getting your child therapy (SEIT).

A special child is not a punishment although it is a nisayon.

I have two sisters with special needs children. One devoted her life to getting her child the
best therapies and he is still very delayed. The other was busy with a large family and helping her husband in business and lived in a state that gave less services - and her child is quite
mainstream.

Just do the best you can and don't beat yourself up.
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amother




Aqua
 

Post  Sun, May 24 2020, 12:34 am
Hugs. That sounds really hard. Especially now with Covid. I just finished reading Dr. David Burns book ''Feeling Good" and I hope you don't mind my sharing some points that apply here. He talks about cognitive distortions that lead to depression and hopelessness.

You mentioned feeling hopeless, how it's unfair, and how you feel like a total failure.

First point of chizuk is that you should not be feeling like a total failure just because the situation with your son is difficult. He refers to this as all-or-nothing thinking (if it's not great, it's a complete failure). It sounds like you really care about your son, so you cannot be a total failure.

Second, it sounds like you're craving the approval of your parents. Note that this will just set you up for disappointment. It's nice to have their approval, but you don't need it in order to parent your son and the lack of it shouldn't make you think less of yourself.

Third, he mentions personalization, in which one takes too much responsibility for something that is not one's fault. For example, he talks about parenting. We can do our best to guide children, but ultimately what happens, the outcome, is not in our control and should not make or break our self-worth.

He also talks about how labeling yourself (a failure) is self-defeating and irrational.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, May 24 2020, 12:43 am
#BestBubby wrote:
Why can't you also get volunteers to help?

And you are getting your child therapy (SEIT).

A special child is not a punishment although it is a nisayon.

I have two sisters with special needs children. One devoted her life to getting her child the
best therapies and he is still very delayed. The other was busy with a large family and helping her husband in business and lived in a state that gave less services - and her child is quite
mainstream.

Just do the best you can and don't beat yourself up.


It’s complicated. We have different approaches to who can watch our kids. To me, my child is my responsibility, and if I can’t do a particular thing for him, that’s where volunteers come in. So I’m the main person who cares for him.

SEIT is on hold thanks to coronavirus.

I also don’t think that he himself is a punishment, but the pain that comes along with his life circumstances is. Does that make sense? Like realizing he will never be able to have a friend or have a job or get married is agonizing. And my sister in laws child is progressing by leaps and bounds whereas mine is going backwards and it feels like if I were a person more deserving, somehow, this wouldn’t be happening.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, May 24 2020, 12:47 am
amother [ Aqua ] wrote:
Hugs. That sounds really hard. Especially now with Covid. I just finished reading Dr. David Burns book ''Feeling Good" and I hope you don't mind my sharing some points that apply here. He talks about cognitive distortions that lead to depression and hopelessness.

You mentioned feeling hopeless, how it's unfair, and how you feel like a total failure.

First point of chizuk is that you should not be feeling like a total failure just because the situation with your son is difficult. He refers to this as all-or-nothing thinking (if it's not great, it's a complete failure). It sounds like you really care about your son, so you cannot be a total failure.

Second, it sounds like you're craving the approval of your parents. Note that this will just set you up for disappointment. It's nice to have their approval, but you don't need it in order to parent your son and the lack of it shouldn't make you think less of yourself.

Third, he mentions personalization, in which one takes too much responsibility for something that is not one's fault. For example, he talks about parenting. We can do our best to guide children, but ultimately what happens, the outcome, is not in our control and should not make or break our self-worth.

He also talks about how labeling yourself (a failure) is self-defeating and irrational.


Very very interesting post. I appreciate this so much. Can you tell me more about all or nothing thinking?

As for parental approval, I’ve definitely come a long way as to not needing it anymore. I think it’s that they want and have created a relationship with my nephew and they don’t bother for my child and it does feel personal, even though I can really understand them. My child has severe problems that scare them.

I also agree that self-defeating can be an issue, but I feel so bad about myself as a parent. That it’s my fault my children are the way they are, and if I were a better person, they would be too.

My husband actually told me that this week’s parsha should make me feel better and it did. But on the flip side, there are so many messages I got growing up that if only I would be a righteous person, anything could happen. Miracles could happen. Instead, my kids are watching tv and I’m in my room, depressed.
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mom of three bh




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, May 24 2020, 1:19 am
Hi! The pain is definitely not a punishment!! There is the old question of tzaddik vra loi why tzadikim have tzuros.. Its up to hashem and we cant understand! If pain on this world would be a punishment then what can explain a little child in pain ....... You are going through a very very rough time and you can use all the chizuk you can get...and all the effort you put in is not going unnoticed your child feels your love and hashem sees everything you do!
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amother




Tan
 

Post  Sun, May 24 2020, 1:58 am
Just wondering why you're comparing?
Do they have the exact same diagnosis?
You can't really compare anything.
Everyone has different circumstances..and all you can do is the best YOU can do for your child
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art




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, May 24 2020, 9:52 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Very very interesting post. I appreciate this so much. Can you tell me more about all or nothing thinking?


The all-or-nothing thinking is basically black-or-white thinking. (If I got a B on the exam, I am a total failure). He explains that nothing is absolute. (For ex, no one is completely attractive, or totally ugly. Perfectly clean vs. totally dirty). There are many shades of gray, and thinking in terms of absolutes will only make you miserable, because you end up discrediting yourself when you never measure up to your exaggerated expectations.

He teaches you to replace negative thoughts with logic. Take apart the thought and think whether it's valid. Is it true that I'm a total failure? I've done many things right as a parent...
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