Theoretical question. Would you move if...

amother

Mon, May 25 2020, 7:04 pm

You lived in a mostly frum insular area where u feel out of place? To fit in you need to be very much a certain type. Your similar but you feel your own differences stick out. Everyone in the neighborhood is nice, noone calls you out for being somewhat different. You like the rabbi of your shul and your happy with your home. Moving would be downsizing and the possibility of other issues arising (a neighbor you dont get along with, far walk from shul, no eiruv etc) but if you move you will be somewhere that you feel is a better fit. This is my current dilemma. Discuss ...

thunderstorm

Mon, May 25 2020, 7:06 pm

I have always felt out of place no matter where I moved to. It took me a few moves to realize that I probably will always feel out of place regardless and I make do with my situation.
You sound pretty settled where you are. For the most part your boxes are all checked off. I personally wouldn’t move because of my own experience. But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t move.

amother

Gray

Mon, May 25 2020, 7:10 pm

If the rest of my family were happy and settled and I was not miserable and "happy enough" then I would stay. Sometimes it is good to move and sometimes it is a case of the grass is always greener or just upsets the boat in unforeseen ways. Depends upon so many factors. and yes it is sometimes more about the person rather than the place. You take yourself with you wherever you go. first I would try to see what I could do to better my situation where I am.
hugs and hatzlocha

amother

Mon, May 25 2020, 7:11 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

I like this answer. I am an oddball so your probably right...

Moonlight

Mon, May 25 2020, 7:17 pm

From experience
The grass is always greener... new issues will most definitely crop up where you move cuz no place is perfect for anyone
And
It really takes time and alot of emotional trauma to get settled in a new place, especially for the kids
However
If you're gonna eventually move , the sooner the better

RuralIma

Mon, May 25 2020, 7:25 pm

If I wasn't miserable I would stay. I have never "fit in" in my entire life so I don't really know what that would even feel like, I've always been a bit of an "outcast" and just made friends with other other outcasts and had my own merry band of misfits lol. Saying that, I have lived places where being myself is fine, and I'm comfortable, people are nice etc and there are places I've lived where being my authentic self wasn't comfortable and that's very hard to live with. I'm personally okay with being "happy enough" like I'm not over the moon happy or feel completely at home but I'm content, my family is happy and I'm not miserable so I'm happy enough to stay. But everyone is different. It does get harder when you have a family and have to take their needs/wants into account as well. If you're happy enough and settled, have good neighbors, have friends, etc I would stay. If you're miserable, dread leaving your house, feel like a complete outsider in your community and feel like there is a better place for you then I would move. There really isn't a black and white answer to this, it's all so subjective. Regardless, I hope that whatever you decide you can be comfortable being your magnificent self and can be happy. Smile

amother

Mon, May 25 2020, 7:25 pm

amother [ Seashell ] wrote:

If you have good neighbors and your family is happy, I don't see this as reason enough to move.
Do you feel out of place because you're not confident or are you actually different?

1st of all there is a big age discrepancy between us and the neighbors. But ok we can live with that. 2nd we are involved with kiruv. We are the ONLY ones in the area like this. My husband warns guests that he brings to shul on shabbos in advance just in case someone says something awkward. 3rd dh is a science geek with fancy degrees. Hes been in university for years (this is how he got involved in kiruv) this isnt common by us at all. Most guys are in business, very few professionals...
Just a few things I can think of off the top of my head
So no, its definitely not "in my head"

amother

Mon, May 25 2020, 7:29 pm

amother [ Amethyst ] wrote:

I couldn’t. Authenticity is a core value to me

Im not sure I understand this reply... I am very authentic lol. I dont try to be like the neighbors (I wouldnt be able to be if I tried) im not even self conscious being "myself"
I just wonder if wed be happier with people who we had more in common with...

zaq

Mon, May 25 2020, 7:38 pm

Why do you ask?
Are you just curious and killing time because you're bored sitting at home in lockdown; are you contemplating a move and looking for people to express considerations you may not have thought of; or are you contemplating a move and looking to hear about the experiences of people who made such a move ?

You left out many factors that would affect the response, such as your age, marital status, whether or not you have children and if yes, their ages and educational situation, whether you have friends only where you live or if you have friends elsewhere, whether or not you drive...

amother

Mon, May 25 2020, 7:42 pm

zaq wrote:

Im asking because a good friend of mine from way back who I always thought would buy near us (based on location of her and her husbands work) found a house in another area and she just called me to tell me. It was something I was hanging onto for a while and while I completely understand her, it was giving me hope for a long time to have a neighbor more similar to me. Shes not moving near me for same reasons I listed for wanting to leave...
I am very curious is anyone did make such a move, how did it turn out for them?

amother

Mon, May 25 2020, 7:45 pm

zaq wrote:

You left out many factors that would affect the response, such as your age, marital status, whether or not you have children and if yes, their ages and educational situation, whether you have friends only where you live or if you have friends elsewhere, whether or not you drive...

I see you added this, thanks for taking the time... I dont want to disclose too much info. Heres the basics... married have 3 kids elementary age. Yes driving since 16

amother

Cerise

Mon, May 25 2020, 7:48 pm

As Shakespeare said, “This above all: to thine own self be true"

Or, "Be yourself. Everyone else is taken."

I think you might possibly be mistaken in thinking that you will fit right in if you move. Or maybe you know the place well enough. However, if you are authentically yourself, there will always be some things about you that are just not the same as everyone else.

So anywhere you go, you need the confidence to be yourself (after, of course, carefully considering that your authentic self is being allowed expression and that you do the Ratzon Hashem.)

Next point is that it's not healthy to live in a place where you and your children experience disdain or bullying. But you've said that's not that case, that you are accepted. Just maybe not your guests?

I am a real individualist. I guess I will go anon and say that I think I'm a respected Rebbetzin yet anyone who knows me can you tell I've got quite a few quirks and individual pursuits that are unusual. So what! I just enjoy being myself!