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My in laws didn’t accept me at the beginning and it hurts



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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jun 09 2020, 12:32 am
When my husband and I first got married my in laws didn’t like me and didn’t accept me and would talk bad about me to my husband and it caused a lot of issues in our marriage. My husband loves them very much so he never did much to defend me because he didn’t want to upset them. Now after a few years of marriage they really like me and we have a good relationship and all that happened is in the past. But the pain of my husband not sticking up for me at the time never went away and my relationship with my husband was never the same. We have a good relationship but I don’t trust him as much and I think a lot of what happened and the pain is still there. I know that it’s all in the past but I can’t get over what happened. My husband tells me that I shouldn’t hold grudges but I am not trying to hold grudges I just can’t get over the pain of what happened. It’s not really about my in laws not accepting me and talking badly about me it’s more about how they were able to influence my husband against me and how he never stood up for me. Even though they are his parents it hurts me how his relationship was so close with the people who hurt me so much and how instead of defending me to them he let them influence him at the time and even after when we got Rabbis involved and they had him realize how wrong it was what they were doing and he realized it, he still never told stood up for me to them. The pain is still there and I don’t know how to get rid of it.
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familyfirst




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 09 2020, 12:46 am
That is painful

But please remember that he was a young man then (if you are chassidish he was just a teenager).

If you would say that now he doesn’t stick up for you, then I agree that this is uber hard to get past.
Hopefully he’s grown up since then and you had time to cement your relationship with each other.

The hurt feelings should really be directed at the in laws as well. Who does that? Talk against a wife to her newly married husband?!?

Would it help if your husband apologized and acknowledged the pain he inflicted?
If he apologized really really really try to move on. If not, he really needs to apologize for the sake of his marriage being the best that it could be.
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Tue, Jun 09 2020, 12:53 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
When my husband and I first got married my in laws didn’t like me and didn’t accept me and would talk bad about me to my husband and it caused a lot of issues in our marriage. My husband loves them very much so he never did much to defend me because he didn’t want to upset them. Now after a few years of marriage they really like me and we have a good relationship and all that happened is in the past. But the pain of my husband not sticking up for me at the time never went away and my relationship with my husband was never the same. We have a good relationship but I don’t trust him as much and I think a lot of what happened and the pain is still there. I know that it’s all in the past but I can’t get over what happened. My husband tells me that I shouldn’t hold grudges but I am not trying to hold grudges I just can’t get over the pain of what happened. It’s not really about my in laws not accepting me and talking badly about me it’s more about how they were able to influence my husband against me and how he never stood up for me. Even though they are his parents it hurts me how his relationship was so close with the people who hurt me so much and how instead of defending me to them he let them influence him at the time and even after when we got Rabbis involved and they had him realize how wrong it was what they were doing and he realized it, he still never told stood up for me to them. The pain is still there and I don’t know how to get rid of it.


This is indeed very painful. I think it's really important to remember what you said at the beginning:
"When I first got married."

When we get married, we're mostly getting married to strangers. We've lived with our parents for 20 plus years before meeting our spouse, we were told our whole lives that they knew what's best for us, and we also had teachers telling us that Kibbud Av V'Aim was extremely important. We are so used to listening to what our parents want that it's really hard to start to ignore that in favor of what our spouse wants.

You can't compare your life of a few months together, versus a life now with your children and other bonding experiences. As you age, you grow into each other. You form a life together. The bond you have now is very very different than the bond you had then. Your bond with your parents' slacken, and the bond with your spouse grows stronger.

Maybe he wasn't as mature back then, but he grew up. We infantilize our men as well. We don't let them date without their parents first giving approval. We don't let them choose careers. We give women more responsibility - making sure they can earn a living or giving them work experience before marriage - than we do for men. They're used to asking their parents for advice, and only doing things on their approval. He wouldn't do so today.

If your in-laws did the same thing to you today, he would behave far, far differently. Remind yourself that he needed growing up.

And finally: He did stick up for you, in the end. He stayed with you, despite his parents. That was him sticking up for you. He didn't leave or divorce you, he did work with you to change your relationship. Try to focus on that.

And finally, look forward. Remember all the hurtful things you've done, even inadvertently. Would you want reminding every single day of your life about it? Would you want someone to tell you how awful you were, 5 years ago, even though you've changed and you're a different person? Maybe it shames him to remember that, and he'd rather just move on.

It's really really hard. I'm not discounting that. But your job is to push these feelings out of your mind, day by day. When you remember it, remind yourself he took out the garbage today. He took care of the kids when you were having a hard day. He got you the flowers you like. Keep focusing on the present, until the past remains in the past.
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amother
Red


 

Post Tue, Jun 09 2020, 1:00 am
You might want to schedule a couple of sessions with a therapist to discuss this. Being listened to and validated may help you let go. I also had a very rough start in marriage; I felt my in-laws had a skewed look on marriage in general and a very strong hold on my husband and they managed to make us miserable nonstop. I was so angry at my husband for being the fool who went along with it and causing me so much pain. It's years later and I've learned to let it go. Life happens. Sometimes the people we love hurt us very badly. From oblivion. Other reasons. But if we cling to those memories, we risk losing all the beautiful things that can be ours. Right now. In the present.
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amother
Lavender


 

Post Tue, Jun 09 2020, 1:05 am
My sisters in law never ever invited me to anything.

Never invited me to a Shabbos at their house, or any family gatherings.

Me and dh always found out later that all these gatherings happened. It really hurts.

They are nice to me when they see me, but they clearly exclude me and I never found out why.I don't know if someone said something, no idea.

Even though it hurts, I know that my family loves me and I have them. I wish they could read this post and realize how much they are missing out on.

Our kids only play with cousins on my side..
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Tue, Jun 09 2020, 1:23 am
If it helps, it was his immaturity and family dynamics why he didnt, remind yourself it wasnt you. And now he has proved them wrong. He obviously knows them well to have known this way would be the smoothest until they see in you what he sees in you. It is possible they never would have come to recognize his great choice if it had become a point of contention. And with any doubts they had him rethink his choice of you over and over and he has stuck by you through it all, meaning at the end of the day anyone can make anyone doubt anything if you hear it said enough times, but he still chose you.

And grudges arent good for the soul. You obviously know that. I hope you find a way to find joy in now and accept what was , was for the best for whyever it had to be that path.

And I know how it hurts. Btdt, but mine never came around to liking me.
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WhatFor




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 09 2020, 1:24 am
OP, did he ever apologize? Do you think that if the situation repeated he would do the same today or would he defend you? Is this coming from a place that you're worried this isn't in the past and the same could repeat itself?
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amother
Sienna


 

Post Tue, Jun 09 2020, 4:59 am
Dear OP.
I’ve been through very similar situations and DH didn’t stick up to me - because it isn’t his personality to attack back and because frankly he didn’t think it was such a big deal.
I was very hurt at the time and it took me a very long time to get over it.
What helped was 1. time - as time passed and as our marriage got ever stronger - the hurt just went away. 2. Discussing it . We discussed specific situations that happened in the past and how they hurt me, what I felt- no blaming just sharing. I remember One time we talked about an incident and I felt that he completely understood what I felt and why it hurt me so much and I felt so validated and loved . I don’t think it has come up since .
And 3. Validate yourself . Remind yourself that it’s ok to feel hurt and upset !
Hope this helps
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Ora in town




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 09 2020, 5:03 am
I can understand you...
To me, it would probably not be possible to erase something like this, particularly if they never admitted that the way they behaved was not OK.
At least, they should apologise, all of them...
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Tue, Jun 09 2020, 8:16 am
1) I guess he never really apologized!!!!
Did he said once "my parents were so wrong
And I am so sorry that I was on their..."
2)Ask him:
"if they would start now a "war" against me .
If they would be mean again
Where you would be!!?"
Tell him how insecure you are!!!

It takes time!
I had a similar story with my husband ,and it was not easy for me!
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singleagain




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 09 2020, 8:27 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My husband tells me that I shouldn’t hold grudges but I am not trying to hold grudges I just can’t get over the pain of what happened


OP, this sentence jumped out. Bc they're is a difference between holding a grudge and being in pain.

I second what someone upthread said about finding a therapist to help sort out the feelings. And would your DH consider going with you? Sometimes you just need that neutral third party to help moderate the discussion.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jun 09 2020, 9:00 am
No if I talk to him about it he still defends his parents
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amother
Firebrick


 

Post Tue, Jun 09 2020, 9:24 am
This is such a painful reality. The person who is supposed to love you most in the whole world listened to others speaking badly about you and STILL sees no problem with it. Ouch.

Being that you are only in control of you, and not others, it seems as if you have 2 options:

1) continue to try to work this out, and hold on to your hurt, until he can understand that this is not ok. Most likely, you will need to involve a Rav or therapist.

2) realize that holding on to a grudge is mostly hurtful to you ( and not them). As was once said, “it’s letting someone live rent-free in your head.” Try to focus on the positive and build your relationship going forward. Hopefully, as you solidify your relationship and his love for you continues to grow, he will be able to see how hurtful this was to you, but no guarantees on that.

In summary, holding on to your hurt, without doing anything to help your relationship, is only going to hurt you.
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Tue, Jun 09 2020, 1:38 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
No if I talk to him about it he still defends his parents


So it's not over!!!
It's not the past!!!
It's very hurtful!!
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