Did your parents trust you too much?

amother

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 3:30 pm

My parents did the opposite -- hovering over me, hysterically correcting me the minute I did something differently than they would have or anything slightly dangerous. Not only did it make me miserable when it happened, but I think it gave me long lasting low self-esteem. So I am dead set on doing the opposite with my children, but I don't want to take it so far that they get hurt. So I'm hoping to hear from people who think their parents trusted them beyond their capabilities (aka let you use a knife too young and you cut yourself badly, or letting you stay out all night as a teen and you got hurt from that, etc). Please give examples and what you wish your parents had done instead. I think that will help me get an idea of where to draw the line.

amother

Scarlet

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 3:32 pm

My parents left me to do hw on my own. I had no executive functioning skills and it took forever. I needed help.

amother

Bisque

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 3:38 pm

Heh Heh. Because at a (relatively) advanced age I am discovering an embracing the fact that I am clearly deficient in executive functioning.

But yes, they trusted me way too much and I was always on the verge of getting into deep hot water. (is that a mixed metaphor?)

I was not a Bais Yaakov girl but even though dating was acceptable in my circles, my parents might have known better. Or not.

Fortunately I developed my own set of standards at some point before things got too bad.

mommyhood

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 4:11 pm

There’s so many areas of trust I think it’s hard to find the right balance in every one and there’s no one right answer for every family. For example, I’m comfortable with my young kids playing in our backyard without an adult and peeling vegetable and using a knife but my oldest was one of the last in her class to be allowed to cross streets alone and sit in the front seat of our car.

giselle

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 4:16 pm

I don’t see why it has to be one extreme or the other. My kids know I trust them to do a lot on their own without me hovering over them, but at the same time we have a very close relationship and they share a lot with me. I also base a lot of my decisions on what is normal among their friends, so they don’t feel like they are the only ones not allowed to do whatever it is. So far it has been working out well for us.

amother

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 4:23 pm

mommyhood wrote:

The first 3 things I'd categorize under trust, but being allowed to sit in the front seat of the car is more of a personal safety standard than a trust issue.

Stars

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 4:37 pm

Depends a lot on individual skills, reflexes and resourcefulness. Evaluate each child and situation as its own entity and go with your gut.

RuralIma

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 4:38 pm

I think it should be based on the individual child and not a blanket for everyone and also a slow build. My parents trusted me and my siblings a lot but I wouldn't say it was too much. After a certain age they didn't care how late we stayed out as long as we let them know if we were coming home or not.

I learned how to make eggs when I was 3, they were crunchy and disgusting and it took a lot of trial and error before I had the dexterity to crack them better and learned that eggs aren't supposed to be crunchy.

We were given massive amounts of freedom and learned how to be responsible but we also had to accept the consequences of our decisions. If you don't want to do your homework, you're not going to pass your classes. If you don't follow rules there are consequences, etc etc. We knew that any bad decisions we made were our own choice and learned from them.

Our parents always made it clear that we shouldn't do what other people are doing and should make our own choices because if we get in trouble it's on us, not our friends. When we were kids we played outside, went to people's houses, went to the park, to the store, etc on our own from a fairly young age.

I remember wandering around the city with my friends at 12 before cell phones and having to figure out how to get back on my own. Those kind of things gave me a lot of confidence in my own abilities and pride that I could do things. But all of this freedom didn't come at once, it came from years of us proving that we knew how to behave and knew what to do, etc.

When I was very young, maybe 2nd? grade and my parents let me go to the park they couldn't see for the first time with my siblings, they later told us that they used to follow us. They never let us see them so we had no idea until we were adults but they wanted us to have the allusion of complete freedom while still being supervised and then when we proved to them that we could do it safely they stopped.

So for our own son (6 almost 7), we do the same thing. He has a lot of freedom as well but for us it's about teaching him independence, responsibility, and to have him be confident in his own abilities.

He's able to play outside by himself, we have the screen open so we can hear him but we also don't feel the need to hover. He knows how to cook simple things, some mornings I'll wake up and he's eating eggs that he made by himself or he'll ask us if we want eggs and he'll make eggs for everyone. But that was after lots of supervised practice (I first started teaching him how to cook when he was 3), him following the rules and showing me he could make eggs without hurting himself or burning down the house. Him verbally telling me all of the steps including remembering to turn off the stove.

He knows which knives (not just butter knives) he's allowed to use and how to cut things safely if there's something he wants to cut before he eats. Again, that was after lots of supervised practice and lots of times of, "don't touch the knives unless I'm around" and then slowly we started giving him more freedom to, "wait, show me how you hold the knife, show me how you put your hand on the food your cutting (fingers curled so they don't get chopped off), show me how you cut, etc" and even still I do occasionally ask him to tell me how you're supposed to act when you're handling a knife, what are the steps, what do you do if you cut yourself? Etc etc.

Freedom is important for kids but it can't just be given carte blanche. Of course my siblings and I got hurt and things happened but BH nothing terrible ever happened to any of us and it wasn't ever anything that would have been prevented if an adult had been around.

Ora in town

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 4:55 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You cannot trust your children too much.
But you should not overburden them with responsabilities...
And there is an age for everything...
Now, ages when children are deemed ripe to do something tend to get pushed back.
I think you can allow a five-year-old to cut fruit or veggies under your supervision... but before they get their own little pocket knife, for unsupervised use, I would wait till first or second grade...

A friend of mine has a husband who collects things, among others beautiful drinking glasses... very thin... and they use them on shabbes. Their children are also allowed to use them... from age 6 or so... If you trust them, they are trustworthy...

amother

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 5:14 pm

RuralIma wrote:

I remember wandering around the city with my friends at 12 before cell phones and having to figure out how to get back on my own. Those kind of things gave me a lot of confidence in my own abilities and pride that I could do things. But all of this freedom didn't come at once, it came from years of us proving that we knew how to behave and knew what to do, etc.

When I was very young, maybe 2nd? grade and my parents let me go to the park they couldn't see for the first time with my siblings, they later told us that they used to follow us. They never let us see them so we had no idea until we were adults but they wanted us to have the allusion of complete freedom while still being supervised and then when we proved to them that we could do it safely they stopped.

I also have fond memories of the first time I would print a map off MapQuest and then find my way around the city alone, but I was 18 when that happened!

RuralIma

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 5:27 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I also have fond memories of the first time I would print a map off MapQuest and then find my way around the city alone, but I was 18 when that happened!

I forgot all about MapQuest haha. When I was 18 I moved across the country by myself with like $100 in my pocket and a friend's couch to sleep on for the summer before college. LOL

Very different. But my husband's childhood was a lot like yours so I do understand the flip side and it definitely affected his confidence, decision making skills, and self-esteem. He's also more apprehensive of change and more cautious than I am.

amother

Slategray

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 5:28 pm

They trusted me completely. I was responsible for my homework and they never checked it, they never knew if I had a test or anything. I just showed them my report card.
I could go out with my friends to the mall since I was 12, all I had to do was come back at the designated time.

amother

Ivory

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 7:11 pm

My parents hovered, and they still hover.
They didn't let any of us gain our own independence in anything, and now they get insulted when I don't ask them for advice or give them updates every time I blink.
I pride myself in being a Montessori Mom. My 3yo dresses and feeds himself. He helps me in the kitchen all the time. If I need a mashed banana for banana cake, he will peel, mash, and fully clean up. My 9mo was drinking from a cup at 7 months.
That being said, I would never let Mr 3yo use a sharp knife or cross the street himself. That is not a trust reason, it's a safety precaution. I trust myself to cross the street, but my friend who is my age got hit by a car crossing. I trust myself to dice onions, ut I am typing this post with a giant bloody bandaid on my finger.

amother

Cyan

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 7:37 pm

I can distinctly remember my mother teaching me how to cross a street around the age of 5. Mind you, we did not live in a city at the time and there were few streets needing crossing so the skill was hardly ever used. (Personally, I don't think a 5 yr old has the capability to accurately judge speed and distance but I did learn the basics). Aside from that, I don't really recall my parents being very active in my life; definitely didn't hover. They did the opposite mostly and I think I turned out okay. I'm a GenXer and latch-key kid. I determined my own middle school (mostly) and high school class schedule. I was responsible for my own homework. Nobody helped me or nagged me with it and nobody helped me with science fair projects or term papers either. Nobody taught me how to boil water or cook. I don't recall creating any near misses or close calls or near disasters when I was a kid. I occasionally would skip school when I was a senior because I needed a "sanity" day and never told my parents that I was staying home. I just did. (I made my own absence excuse). Still, I got good grades.

My DH on the other hand had practically every decision made for him. Now, he is racked with indecision that he will not be able to make the right decision and will regret whatever he decides.

We try to reach a happy medium with our kids. Give them some latitude and allow them to make mistakes and yet, keep them from hurting themselves.

amother

Cerise

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 8:10 pm

I think the answer doesn't matter as much as understanding that even if you do get the balance just right, you can't protect your children from everything. Even if you do give them the knife at exactly the right age, a few nasty cuts are bound to happen. It doesn't mean you should have waited longer to teach them how to chop vegetables.

One thing I give my parents a lot of credit for is their default was to trust me. They trusted me unless and until I gave them a reason not to. And, for the most part, I proved them right to trust me, but I did make some mistakes, because kids are kids and do dumb things sometimes. Consequences were doled out when that happened, but it doesn't mean my parents could have or should have done anything to prevent me from doing those things to begin with. If anything, messing up taught me some valuable lessons that wouldn't have stuck as well had I just been told in theory.

amother

Aubergine

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 8:20 pm

My parents did both, some things they hovered and controlled and others they just didn't care about. I suffered from both extremes. I chose the middle I offer solutions and guidance while allowing them to figure things out to an extent.

amother

Coffee

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 8:52 pm

I was raised in the 70's a time in which it was the norm for lax parenting. To answer your question OP, the negatives of that are things I would hope would not be an issue for a frum family. Not enough oversight for what we saw on TV (inappropriate). Too much unsupervised free time with friends and older siblings and friends' older siblings where there was exposure to magazines, things like that (today it's the phones, back then it was magazines).
The positives were that I felt trusted to make smart decisions, felt confident in finding my way around, being independent. I also got more exercise than my own kids do because I had more freedom of movement, had to walk to school and other places without being driven around so much.

amother

Taupe

Wed, Jun 10 2020, 10:22 pm

I grew up feeling that my parents were never worried about me. They let me do whatever I wanted, in terms of going places. I went to NYC when I was 14 and aside from having a place to sleep I was responsible to get myself wherever I needed to go by myself. This was in the 90s when it was still dangerous.
I travelled to different cities to visit friends and hitched rides to places. I was 16. I still don’t understand why they let me. I used to think they didn’t love me enough to care. Now I realize they were encouraging my independence and didn’t know enough about the possible dangers.

amother

Magenta

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 12:44 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My parents were too trusting with internet and laptop, I had my own from 8th grade. I was a good girl and didn't even watch TV beyond America's next top model but I did resent the lack of boundaries- I needed to still feel parented.

amother

Olive

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 2:19 am

Uh oh. I think I may have messed up my kids😬