I think Hashem is pushing us off the derech

amother

Orange

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 5:24 pm

I'm seeing homes for under $400,000 (many about $350,000) in Elizabeth that are decent sized. It seems like a warm community.

That area is also near Manhattan and some of the best hospitals for your husband.

Your job in a Gan shouldn't be your first priority. If you're doing childcare, there might be a few openings nearby that would offer you the same opportunity, or hopefully even better.

Your children aren't going to Jewish schools all this time?

amother

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 6:48 pm

My children have not been to a Jewish school. And my job isn’t the only thing keeping us in this area but it’s our only income.

We definitely can not afford a home that price.
Plus we aren’t in a position to buy a house right now.

amother [ Orange ] wrote:

meiravit

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 7:13 pm

OP, I'm so sorry for everything you are going through! Hugs!

It's so hard to understand what Hashem wants from us, especially when it seems like He's pushing us in the "wrong" direction.

To me, it sounds like what's making it so overwhelming is that there are so many issues at once: lack of apartment, your husband's health and everything that entails, dealing with difficult family, etc.

If even one of those things were made easier, your entire burden might seem lighter. Can you get in touch with an organization like Chai4ever? I think they help families with an ill parent. Just having access to their social worker to talk to, and maybe some practical assistance with kids/jobs/house might make your whole situation seem more bearable.

Don't be ashamed to ask for help - that's what these organizations are for!

amother

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 7:16 pm

Thanks. Not really anything you can do unless you have a place we could live. lol.

I appreciate your kindness though.

crust wrote:

OP, your life seems very overwhelming. I can't imagine how you juggle it all.

What can we do for you? How can we be of service?
Is there anything we can help you with?
I really care for you.

crust

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 7:21 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thanks. Not really anything you can do unless you have a place we could live. lol.

I appreciate your kindness though.

How much can you afford for an apartment?

Which community do you think your kids would fit into?

I think that the type of position you currently have should not be so hard to find in a functional yet not so expensive Jewish community.

Let's start with the relocating first.

amother

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 7:39 pm

I’ll check into them. Thanks.

meiravit wrote:

Sebastian

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 7:41 pm

Op you need the Jewish community to band together and help you now. Is there a Rav in your old community you can speak to?

Someone in your position should be receiving financial and other help to get you on your feet. Can you speak to Yael about posting a go fund me?

crust

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 7:47 pm

Sebastian wrote:

GoFundMe is only successful if there are many people campaigning for said cause.

OP has to have a network of people vouching for her in order to get more the money she needs.

amother

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 7:50 pm

The place we were going to get was around 1050. We could have managed that with my adult daughter also getting a job with me to help us.
My kids are quirky and obviously not acclimated to Jewish life they way other kids would be. Which breaks my heart that I have failed them in that.
The problem with leaving the general area we are in is due to my husband’s drs.

crust wrote:

amother

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 7:57 pm

I don’t want to beg for money on a GoFundMe.
Even if we did speak to a Rav I think they have enough people in the community who need help that they wouldn’t be interested in helping someone not in the community.
Also there are plenty of people in that community that are familiar with our situation and have never offered any help so I don’t expect that they would bother helping now.
Which makes me bleh about even going back to that community but it’s the one where I’m working and near my husband’s drs.

Sebastian wrote:

amother

Orange

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 7:58 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

The place we were going to get was around 1050. We could have managed that with my adult daughter also getting a job so me to help us.
My kids are quirky and obviously not acclimated to Jewish life they way other kids would be. Which breaks my heart that I have failed them in that.
The problem with leaving the general area we are in is due to my husband’s drs.

That kind of pricing can be found more in out of town communities. I know you say you want to be near your husband's doctors, but I promise you, there are doctors everywhere. Really good ones! Baltimore, Cleveland, Cincinnati, St. Louis, these are all much more affordable places for rent, and you can be in the frum community. It also might help to be in a OOT community for the "quirky" kids you describe. And, there might be a lot more jobs.

From your original post, it sounded like you were a young couple just starting out, but now that you mention an adult daughter, it gets confusing. Where did you raise your older daughter? How old are your other kids?

Petra

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 7:59 pm

OP,
I'm assuming your DH's doctors are specialists. Specialists know other specialists, often across the country. They go to medical conferences together frequently enough or know someone who knows someone who can be of help. If you happen to have in a mind other communities that otherwise fit your needs (all frum Jewish communities are urban or semi urban which would mean having medical centers nearby) then your DH's doctors can help you locate a new specialist for him and even speak to them about his condition, treatment plan, etc.

Your family would benefit from a small community that won't take you for granted and also a community that is more into kiruv and would give your kids space and acceptance to grow if they want.

I'm not on the East coast but I feel the options in my town would be helpful to you. Feel free to PM me if you want to explore.

amother

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 8:04 pm

We do not live in NY and never have. OOT is the only place I would consider. And yes I know there are drs everywhere but it took many many years to find these drs who are listening to him and working with him. It’s no so easy to just find a new dr. For a genetic condition.

Our older daughter was raised in our former community. She was a teen when we left. I was pregnant with our youngest when we had to leave. We have kids in between that were young. The oldest is quite a bit older than the others due to secondary infertility.

amother [ Orange ] wrote:

amother

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 8:05 pm

amother [ Orange ] wrote:

Maybe this isn't Hashem pushing you off the derech, He's pushing you to move!

We have been trying. We even did for about 9 months and then my husband got sicker and we had to move back to this horrible situation.

amother

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 8:07 pm

Thank you. I will have to talk to my husband and see if he is comfortable seeking out new drs. Like I said it was hard to find these drs.

And we’ve only live in small communities. I wouldn’t want to live in NY or Lakewood or anything.

Petra wrote:

crust

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 8:10 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Its horrible to feel unsupported by a community but we must have some trust in humanity in order to move forward in life.

Petra's post is spot on. Maybe there is someone here that can guide you? I dont think you need a rav now. All you need now is someone with a good heart.

Good luck and please know that there are people that really care. I'm not the only one.

Please feel free to pm me if you think I can help you.

Remember that most dark times do not last forever. Remember that you will see the light one day.
גם זה יעבר.

thriver

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 8:57 pm

Just wishing you strength and warm wishes with the hope that you will merit to have yeshuos really soon ❤️

Life can be so hard. Sometimes we’ve got to reach the bottom before we can go up. 🤗 davening that you begin to experience an upward trajectory soon!

And practical question: are you still working through covid-19? Definitely look into and use any program you are eligible for right now.

amother

Cobalt

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 9:05 pm

We're here for you OP. This is a group of wonderful, supportive and smart women, someone here will have a way to help you.

Asking for help is so so hard but we weren't created with the ability to function on our own. We all need each other and letting someone give to you is a form of giving to them. Please let people in, this is how we are meant to be, we are each other's strength