Do you encourage questions and free speech?

Success10

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 6:49 am

We of course encourage questions. But young kids can't handle all the answers to things. I for sure lie or distract the kids when I don't think they are old enough for the real answer. Not just babies and intimacy type questions, also sometimes current events, wars, murders can be too scary for my kids. They're not ready to hear about everything. Sometimes I just need my privacy in a certain area, and if the kids know, they'll tell everyone.

salt

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 7:07 am

Success10 wrote:

Similar to this.

amother

Mauve

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 7:49 am

YES
Answer depending in age. Even very small children can handle SOME sort of answer, even if it is not full. Sometimes my kids even say to me (after I say this is a complicated subject and I'm thinking how to answer) "just answer on a 6 year old level." They know I am happy to talk and will answer to the beat of my ability according to their capacity to understand, and that might require follow up conversations when they are able to understand more.

And I NEVER EVER outright lie, like I see so many parents do. I also hate the line "I'll tell you when you are older" because it makes then feel belittled and pushed off. And it's not even true that they cant understand, it's TRUE that YOU dont know how to explain on their level.

Teomima

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 7:54 am

Yes and yes. In an age appropriate manner, of course, but I try my best to answer any question my children have, no matter what the subject matter. I believe once a child is old enough to ask a specific question, they're old enough to be given the answer (again, given in an age appropriate manner, in a way they can process). I never lie to my children.

PinkFridge

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 8:50 am

As far as free speech, that only goes so far. If a child is out of bounds it's important chinuch to guide the child. But equally important to do it at the right time, the right way.

Aylat

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 9:06 am

The only questions I discourage my children from asking are intrusive ones.

"Why did Grandma and Grandpa get divorced?" "It's sad that they're not married anymore. Their reasons are private and I don’t think they'd like us to talk about them."

To friend/sibling "What mark did you get on your test?" "Marks are private and they don't need to tell you."
Etc

PinkFridge

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 9:12 am

Aylat wrote:

You're teaching them by your answers that they have to be cautious about asking certain questions of certain people out of menschlichkeit. These are life skills, to be taught calmly and dispassionately, and never belittling for asking the questions. (You're doing good Smile

)

leah233

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 11:18 am

I don't encourage questions. But I do make it clear to my children that they can ask any question they already have.

Free speech is more tricky. What about Loshon Hora and Nivul Peh or worse?

I sometimes point out examples of the strict censorship in some of the most liberal publications to indirectly make the point to my children that with all the big talk, everyone has limits on the boundaries of acceptable conversation. Including those who rail against doing so

amother

Firebrick

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 11:47 am

I always encourage to ask questions, I answer when I know how to, otherwise I tell my children I'll get back to them when o get an answer. Sometimes I tell my kids ur to young to understand I'll explain to u when u get bigger. I never lie to them!

malki2

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 12:18 pm

leah233 wrote:

I just want to clarify that my answers if yes and yes were in response to the poll questions, not to the thread title questions. We don’t necessarily encourage free speech if it means saying to someone else whatever is on your mind at the moment.

giselle

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 3:03 pm

amother [ Teal ] wrote:

Last night my 9 year old asked how do you know if a baby is a boy or a girl. This kid has sisters...so I'm like don't you know? Lol.

My daughter asked me this when she was definitely old enough to know. They just don’t realize that that is what you look at to find out...

banana123

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 3:12 pm

Yes and yes.

I do my best. Sometimes I don't have the time, so I say, "that's an excellent question, ask me later." Or I tell them to ask Abba. I try to get back to those questions afterwards, so that they know I wasn't just pushing them off.

Of course there are "grown-up" issues but we try to give age-appropriate information that is truthful and answers the question. Sometimes that means longer explanations and more in-depth, that's okay.

pause

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 5:39 pm

Success10 wrote:

NEVER LIE TO YOUR KIDS.
You can distract, you can give a non-answer like "Hashem made it like this." But if you want to have any trustworthiness by them going into their teenage years, do not lie.

browniebar

Thu, Jun 11 2020, 10:08 pm

leah233 wrote:

I think that by giving children the time of day to answer questions honestly, you are essentially encouraging them to be forthcoming with their questions, which is a good thing.
In terms of free speech, I like the method in "how to talk so kids will listen"- "all feelings can be accepted, some actions must be limited." So when child calls names or unknowingly asks something socially inappropriate, we say, "I see ur feeling frustrated- how do u think it feels to ur sister when u call her that name, can we think of a better way to express it?" "That's an interesting question but so and so might not feel comfortable discussing that in public" etc