HELP! Do your kids have a smartphone?

amother

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 7:55 am

I have twin girls, 12 yrs old. I was against giving them their own phones all along but most of their friends have and most family and friends, when I spoke with them about it all said it's really important for their social development. I still held out. Then Covid19 happened and they were cut off from all their friends, school, and normal life. DH went ahead and ordered them so they could have as much interaction with their friends as possible. Nice idea. But the reality is that they are addicted. From the minute they wake up to the minute they fall asleep. I catch them texting and playing games on it during their Zoom classes. When I ask them to help out with chores they are doing the chores literally one-handed because they cannot put these phones down. When I take them away, they are having full on screaming-crying-laying on the floor kicking and hitting tantrums. At age 12. This is insane. We have a real problem. DH and I are so upset with this behavior - but it's like being upset about someone being a drug addict when you're the one who supplies them the drugs!

Is there a way to manage this without taking the phones away completely? For those with same age kids with phones, what are your rules? Are your kids able to self-regulate? Do you see the same crazy behavior? What have you done to mitigate? HELP!!

shabbatiscoming

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 7:58 am

My daughter is 12. We got her a phone in the beginning of the year. But we have strict rules about the phone and if they are not kept the phone is taken away. Full stop. We are the parents and she is the child. Tantrums, from a 12 year old, will not be tolerated.
She knows she has to do xyz before she can play on her phone. And we also do not allow her to watch on her phone, so its for "talking" with her friends, games and music. And as I said, if we see rules being broken or too much use, it is taken away.

LovesHashem

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 8:10 am

Of course there are ways to manage it!

First of all do you know how many online predators or boys are contacting them? If there's no filter I'm sure they are getting pictures of boys and mens privates.

There's many apps that can limit or lock the app store so they have limited or no games, or apps that can limit their time. You should also take their phones away at night. No phones at the table.

They can't live with a dumb phone with texts and calls? And use a computer for messaging and videchats?

shabbatiscoming

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 8:13 am

LovesHashem wrote:

Why do you think that? If they are not chatting on line with people, why is this even a thought?
I see my daughter's entire phone. Everything is kosher. All of her whatsapp groups /friends are people we know / class mates etc.

Its not always all bad :/

amother

Rose

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 8:19 am

I caved and gave my daughter a phone during covid. But really it’s like an iPod or iPad it doesn’t have a SIM card and the only thing that works is Imessages. I put on restrictions for everything else. My daughter is not always on the phone some days more then not but she knows to put it down right away if I need her.

amother

Black

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 8:28 am

Op, it's really tough!
I have a 14 yr ols daughter who bh does not have her own cell phone because she is totally addicted! It's a personality type!!
We had old cell phones in the house that we connected to call the kids classes. At the beginning I was pretty relaxed about it but I then put on a very strong filter that let the parents be in control. You can decide which hours phone can be used, which app to leave open and which to close, limit screen time.... it's amazing!
Yes she did have a tantrum the first day after I installed it but since then it's not an issue anymore!
Go to play store and look for parental filter!
Eta: some kids know how to self regulate, some kids will fight you on every rule...don't think that because the neighbor's kids manage fine with their cell phones your kids should too...

LovesHashem

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 9:05 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

I have a teenage sister and sister in law. I see their whatsapps.
This is unfortunately what happens these days. Friends add you into a big group of teens just adding each other, hundreds of kids from all of the country. Plenty of predators and creeps on there - they get creepy messages all the time.

I am on large groups on Telegram and I a married adult woman get messages from strangers all the time too!

I'm just saying a PSA NOT everyone thinks or knows to check their kids phone. You need to be careful. Better safe than sorry. The internet is incredibly dangerous for preteens and young teens. Many give out their address, school name, freely or whats on their mind - not realizing people will use this to their advantage.

amother

Yellow

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 9:16 am

No smartphones but I bought tablets for zoom classes and I added some games. They are allowed to play after "school," on the condition that their rooms are clean and our living space is tidy.
Also every week I gradually lessen the amount of time every day they are allowed to play, now that we aren't stuck at home as much. We're down to an hour a day and I already told them that next week will be a bit less.

amother

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 9:35 am

LovesHashem wrote:

We don't have a "kosher" filter, but my husband has set things up so that they can only get apps we approve and we can see every single thing going on w/ their phones... we get copied on every text, WhatsApp, email, etc. They are aware of this. And nothing inappropriate is being viewed or sent.

My problem is not about content. It's about addictive usage. I am trying to figure out what is reasonable usage. Time-wise.

shabbatiscoming

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 9:37 am

LovesHashem wrote:

I have never ever gotten any such messages. Yikes.
Also, I mentioned, I look at her phone from time to time. I look at the content.
I understood it was just a PSA but I wanted to point out that NO, this foes not happen to everyone.

shabbatiscoming

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 9:40 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

We literally gave a daily time limit to phone use. Ther was no two ways about it. If if would have become an argument or tantrums, the phone would have been taken away or even thrown out.
Children have to realize that being allowed to have a phone is a privellege, not a right.

amother

Seashell

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 10:42 am

I gave a smartphone and think it was one of my most naive parenting decisions. It became a huge stressor and argument every day even with filter and monitoring. It really is addictive for some. One was mechalal Shabbos by sneaking it out of the drawer outside of the bedroom. One DC said it takes over the mind and that’s the appeal. Our home life improved when I took them for good. I also know the schools we send to don’t let so I’m not going to go against the school’s rules. Now it’s Kosher flip phones with talk only. No camera. Yes music.

amother

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 10:48 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

How much time do you give? Is it a specific time window each day (I.e. you can use your phone between 4-6 PM) or general usage spread out through the day (I.e. You max out at 1.5 hours total time)?

amother

Jade

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 10:52 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

All it takes is a minute for her to see questionable content that will take over a young underdeveloped mind.
And by the way, messages and browsing history can be deleted.

I was a teenager before there were smartphones and before everyone became reliant on phone. We had a dumb flip phone at home. Seems that it wasn't dumb at all - I was actually able to access p0rn0graphic images and it had a negative impact on my life. No one ever knew. A couple of years later -also on a dumb, simple flip phone - my friend received an inappropriate animation involving a girl and a dog.
If you believe that a child's brain is developed enough (it isn't) to handle this info - let her have it. Like a gun, phones can be dangerous. Most adults are mature enough to own a gun, drive, have relations and own a smartphone. Most kids are not.

shabbatiscoming

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 10:58 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

How much time do you give? Is it a specific time window each day (I.e. you can use your phone between 4-6 PM) or general usage spread out through the day (I.e. You max out at 1.5 hours total time)?

General usage. She knows that after she comes home from school she can play on her phone for x amount if time, depending on other things things she needs to do.

giselle

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 11:00 am

amother [ Jade ] wrote:

Maybe that’s the problem - no one thought to filter the dumb phone. My children’s devices all have filters on them, and I check them all the time. They also use them in public areas and aren’t hiding in their rooms texting. So everything is very much in the open. Do I think it’s guaranteed that nothing can ever happen? No, but I also think that it’s a part of life today and that children can be taught to use it responsibly like anything else. Knives can cause bad injuries, but we still teach children to use them safely at some point.

LovesHashem

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 11:46 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Because it happens I just wanted to make a PSA.
Because more than 500,000 predators are online everyday
Because FBI stats show that more than 50 percent of victims of online s-xual exploitation are 12-15 years old.

LovesHashem

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 11:47 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

They have apps that manage time.
Have rules for the phone - like past 10 pm no phone. Etc.

You sound like you are doing well in the safety department!