HELP! Do your kids have a smartphone?

seeker

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 10:29 am

amother [ Black ] wrote:

Op, it's really tough!
I have a 14 yr ols daughter who bh does not have her own cell phone because she is totally addicted! It's a personality type!!
We had old cell phones in the house that we connected to call the kids classes. At the beginning I was pretty relaxed about it but I then put on a very strong filter that let the parents be in control. You can decide which hours phone can be used, which app to leave open and which to close, limit screen time.... it's amazing!
Yes she did have a tantrum the first day after I installed it but since then it's not an issue anymore!
Go to play store and look for parental filter!
Eta: some kids know how to self regulate, some kids will fight you on every rule...don't think that because the neighbor's kids manage fine with their cell phones your kids should too...

Which filter are you using?

Cheiny

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 10:31 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I have twin girls, 12 yrs old. I was against giving them their own phones all along but most of their friends have and most family and friends, when I spoke with them about it all said it's really important for their social development. I still held out. Then Covid19 happened and they were cut off from all their friends, school, and normal life. DH went ahead and ordered them so they could have as much interaction with their friends as possible. Nice idea. But the reality is that they are addicted. From the minute they wake up to the minute they fall asleep. I catch them texting and playing games on it during their Zoom classes. When I ask them to help out with chores they are doing the chores literally one-handed because they cannot put these phones down. When I take them away, they are having full on screaming-crying-laying on the floor kicking and hitting tantrums. At age 12. This is insane. We have a real problem. DH and I are so upset with this behavior - but it's like being upset about someone being a drug addict when you're the one who supplies them the drugs!

Is there a way to manage this without taking the phones away completely? For those with same age kids with phones, what are your rules? Are your kids able to self-regulate? Do you see the same crazy behavior? What have you done to mitigate? HELP!!

They’re 12. You should indeed be limiting how much time each day you allow them to use the phones, and yes, you should take them away during the off hours. Period.

seeker

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 10:34 am

giselle wrote:

How do your girls normally react when they can’t have what they want? That sounds like a very extreme reaction from 12 year olds. Do they usually have trouble regulating themselves?

This was my question on reading OP. Kids can get pretty disregulated sometimes but I have never seen a typically developing child throw a floor kicking tantrum past age 5 or so. And if the kids in question are not typically developing, then information about that is going to be important in answering the question here.

giselle

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 12:55 pm

seeker wrote:

Right, my daughter stomped off the other day when I told her we need to limit tablet time a little more, but life went on a minute later... I feel like this is about more than a phone.

seeker

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 12:58 pm

giselle wrote:

Right, my daughter stomped off the other day when I told her we need to limit tablet time a little more, but life went on a minute later... I feel like this is about more than a phone.

Various styles of adolescent drama can include screaming, crying, sulking, door slamming, passive aggression, but floor flailing tantrums are rare at most. Is the phone situation the only time you're seeing this?

amother

Lemon

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 1:28 pm

My children do not have smart phones, but are addicted to texting on their basic phones. I dont let them be on groups, except for one that is their class. but If any of you can give me recommendations for companies that I can see every text, please let me know.

amother

Chocolate

Fri, Jun 12 2020, 5:08 pm

These phones are definitely evil. The Rabbaim aren't wrong when they condemn them, and I'm not the frummest person you ever saw.

The problem is that we live in such weird times, where the only way your child can have interactions with their friends is WITH a smartphone or iPad/tablet device.

I'm not going to tell you this will work, because in my experience, nothing so much has. But at the least:

For Apple products:
1) Install a downtime from 8pm until 8am the next day.
2) Install an app limit for games. 30 minutes per day is what we do.
3) Restrict all websites except ones you choose.
4) Don't install the google app.
5) Installing or deleting apps require passcodes
6) Allow zoom and cameras always, as well as texting, phones, and whatsapp.
7) Initiate "I check your phone" at least once a week.
8) Phones are locked away in your room for Shabbos.

renslet

Sat, Jun 13 2020, 4:08 pm

I totally understand, my kids never had phones and now covid hit and they need WhatsApp to keep up with classes (they have one zoom per day and the teacher sends voice notes bad videos for the rest of the time) but as the days go by and I get more lax, they are on more and more, texting friends, calling friends, and fighting cuz it's one phone for the whole family.
I made rules at the beginning.
1) phone use is in the dining room or kitchen.
2) no fighting with siblings about them looking over your shoulder while you are watching something.
3) I give a time limit, depends on the circumstances and set an alarm. If you switch off the alarm or don't give it back on time than you lose the next days phone privileges.
I also sometimes put WhatsApp on the computer so I can still have my phone but they can see what they have to do.
It's a bit of a disaster but I've already told them, as soon as school starts again. The phone plan is being cancelled.