Hosting + dietary restrictions: how much do you accommodate?

Chayalle

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 11:32 am

naomi2 wrote:

I try to accommodate as much as possible giving a few options to the "Dieter" I think it's not very nice to at least try to accommodate you. Just tell her you are bringing your own food next time (Roasted veg, rice and beans sweet potato etc.) because usually the only vegetarian food is challah and dessert. And if it's not kosher enough for them you can double wrap it and warm it in the oven. they don't have to eat it. It will be for you and anyone else who wants. If she is really worried about the kashrus I'm sure she will step up and offer to make one or two things vegetarian.

I know many people who would not be comfortable with someone else's food in their oven, even double wrapped. I have relatives who do not allow outside private food into their kitchen. The needs and standards of the host also need to be respected.

As to OP's question, I would try to have some vegetable/salad/pasta options for a vegetarian guest (I usually have such sides anyway) but if a guest had dietary needs that I found difficult to accommodate, I would take that into account when I invite. If I'm not up to it, the invites would be less frequent.

My special-needs brother is super-picky about various things he eats, and when he comes for YT, I try hard to accommodate him (I make his chicken separate, and his favorite kind of cake, etc...). However, in the last couple of years I asked him to bring some of his own ready-made foods that he used to request (like certain brands of drinks, cheese, cookies, etc...) as we invariable got the wrong thing that we were then stuck with and didn't use for our own household, and it added up alot. (He's high functioning, shopping is not an issue for him, and my father generally pays for it.)

I have a relative who is super-makpid on hechsherim. Even my flour, sugar, and oil would have to be of a certain hechsher for them to eat in my house. Revamping my entire pantry is not something I'm ready to do so often, to be honest. They don't live nearby, though, so it's not often an issue. But yes, I can't just invite them at the last minute and accommodate them - it would be overwhelming.

amother

Indigo

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 12:31 pm

amother [ Copper ] wrote:

Also, I don't tell people I'm vegetarian before we go to them, never thought to. If they ask I'll just say I don't eat fish or meat, but that I'm sure I'll find what to eat and they shouldn't make anything extra. I'd feel uncomfortable if a family switched their whole menu because of me, but some are happy to make an extra salad or pie. As poster above said, I'm happier "flying under the radar".

Please don't do this. As a hostess, I feel terrible if a guest can't eat what I've prepared. It's easy enough to make another side dish and/or salad to ensure that a vegetarian can eat well. It's awful to look at someone's empty plate and feel like you let your guest go hungry.

If you are really concerned about not making extra work for your hostess, tell her when she invites you that you are a vegetarian and you're happy to bring a salad. Win win.

I do ask guests in advance if they have dietary restrictions, precisely because I don't want to be in this situation. But some of them have lied "so as not to make trouble for you." Grrr - you did make trouble for me by putting me in an awkward situation.

amother

Seashell

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 1:01 pm

Yes, if you can’t eat certain things let me know so I don’t make a special dish that then you can’t eat anyway.

I happen to be allergic to a whole list of veggies and fruits so I tell hosts ahead “I’m allergic to a lot of fruits and veggies, so I just skip the salad”. That way they know to not prepare extra for me but don’t have to try to work around my wacky allergies.

Cheiny

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 1:04 pm

Lets_Eat_Pie wrote:

This is largely a theoretical post since (at least in the Northeast US) it'll be a while before we can either host or be hosted again. Thanks COVID. Banging head

But I'm curious what others think. I'm a vegetarian and have been for years. I'm not particularly preachy about it, but it is something I take seriously (no exceptions on holidays, meat broth counts as meat, etc). One of my SILs always has a meat-centric Shabbat dinner: chicken in the salad, soup made with meat stock, meat main course. Pre-COVID, we'd go to her maybe once a month for Shabbat. She knows I'm a vegetarian, but doesn't change the menu, so I end up eating challah and dessert and feeling grumpy. They are hashkafically to the right of us, so bringing a dish to share is not an option unfortunately. When we remember, we stop off at the grocery store beforehand to get packaged hummus and salads.

Most other friends and family are happy to add a vegetarian dish or two when they have us, so my sense is SIL is an outlier here. But I'm curious how much you accommodate guests with dietary restrictions at your Shabbat or holiday meals?

I always thought I was super accommodating, but we once had a Shabbat guest who was both gluten free and allergic to nightshades (potatoes, tomatoes, eggplant, some peppers..). As I was trying to put together a menu, I realized all my favorite foods were nightshades. LOL

I managed to put a decent menu together, but it's probably not one I'd make again!

She should definitely be considerate of your dietary needs, she’s a SIL (!), and it’s not that hard to make a salad without meat, some hot vegetables, etc. it’s pretty disgusting that she has absolutely nothing for you IMHO, and I’d go so far as to say she’s quietly expressing some sort of hostility towards you.

keym

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 1:23 pm

OP, I sympathize.
I have some children with fairly extensive allergies. (Eggs, nuts, many legumes, soy)
The worst is when we would go away to family who reassures me that they will accommodate, and then when we get there they get annoyed that my kid won't eat around the chickpeas in the salad or just leave the matzaball on the side and eat the soup.
By now I bring basic stuff to feed my kid because I don't count on there being anything.

amother

Ginger

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 1:36 pm

amother [ Green ] wrote:

It depends on the extent of the limitations and on my life circumstances. If I don't have the time or mindspace to deviate, or have a family member who would have a real issue with changes and have no time to make extras , then I would stay with what I have and be honest. And I would not feel offended if the guest didn't come.

Otherwise, I would try, within limits. I once had guests who were makpid on yoshon at a hard time of the year for that. I didn't know until I had already agreed. I had to go borrowing and buying ingredients off of people, and now I won't have yoshon guests during that time of the year.

What's yoshon?

I didn't quite grasp the concept... And doesn't it clash with pessach?

giselle

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 1:41 pm

I didn’t read through all the posts, but if someone chooses to invite you, then yes they should make sure there are dishes you can eat. I wouldn’t even know what to make as a vegetarian main dish, so I would ask my guest for ideas. But side dishes and salads? How hard is that? And if it was too hard for me, I just wouldn’t invite someone with too many restrictions. But once they extend the invitation, they should definitely try to accommodate you. I also can’t imagine caring if someone brings their own food, as long as they keep kosher, so I can’t relate to that. She would even care if you brought your own salads which don’t need to be warmed up?

Chayalle

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 1:46 pm

giselle wrote:

Perhaps fridge space is also a challenge for some. I know on Y"T, I feel like I'm a magician getting all my own food into my fridge and freezers. If I had a guest that needed to bring their own separate foods, I think they'd need to bring a fridge along with them, too.

giselle

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 2:02 pm

Chayalle wrote:

I guess what I’m saying is that if it was so complicated for me I probably wouldn’t extend an invitation. Unless OP is asking to be hosted, then it’s a bit of a different story.

SixOfWands

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 2:35 pm

lamplighter wrote:

Forgot accommodating or not it makes the host very uncomfortable for someone to not be able to eat anything at the table.
Id rather know in advance and be "bothered" to accommodate than to have guests sit and say oh don't worry about me.

This.

I'd hate to go all out and make my special who knows what that's a PITA to make, only for my guests to say oh, we don't eat that, we'll just have some broccoli.

imasoftov

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 2:36 pm

In my shul, in more normal times, when we find hosts for guests, which sometimes is individuals or maybe a small group who arrived together who go to the person making the announcements, who always ends with (in both Hebrew and English) that if you want a meal, talk to me on the way out, and sometimes a larger group (by previous arrangement, hopefully) will be divided up among members, the guests will be asked if they have special needs so they can be matched up with hosts who will have something they can eat.

amother

Lavender

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 2:52 pm

This is a sore subject for me. Back in the day I wrote a whole thread about my woes with DH insisting on inviting vegan guests for pesach (we're chabad.... which is limiting as it is without ruling out fish, meat and animal products....) Not only was the menu making a nightmare, I had 4 month old twins, a 2 year old and a 3 year old at the time...... and they're much more lax on hechsherim so 'adding to the table' was not an option. Looking back now, I don't know how I didn't crack up at the sheer thought of it. The vegans moved away but still tried to 'surprise' me by inviting themselves to our purim meal literally 2 hours before it started (I declined.... I don't do surprises.....)

Since then, I happily host vegetarians on a regular basis. I really do love to host and for health reasons I try to keep meat to a minimum anyway. But everyone has their limits....

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 3:10 pm

amother [ Lavender ] wrote:

I remember that thread! unbelievable that you managed it... kol a kavod! how are you? thinking about you when on imamother

amother

Yellow

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 3:44 pm

amother [ Lavender ] wrote:

Welcome back! You sort of WERE cracking up but trying not to. I hope things are a little easier for you these days. Thinking of you..

Raisin

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 3:57 pm

I make most of my shabbos meals vegetarian friendly ie potatoes cooked separately from the chicken. I always have chummus, techina, salad, veggie or vegan friendly side dishes. If I serve chicken soup I don't make a separate soup but will give veggie guests an avocado plate or similar.

I did have one really crazy experience with a vegan once. On Pesach. I made a special dish and turned out she was allergic to the main component. Poor thing only ate matza, wine and salad.

amother

Plum

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 10:07 pm

I only read the first post but I imagine I agree with everyone else that its weird that she doesnt even put out one dish you can eat. If your the guest, most hosts would at least make dip salad or vegetable, like potatoes even, something unless they felt that they were doing you a half hearted begrudged favor for some reason instead of wanting your company. In fact many meat centric homes have at least one side dish vegeterian each meal I would think.