Do you involve other mothers in kids’ spats?

amother

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 8:33 pm

My DS 8 year old has been complaining lately about his classmates being mean to him (yes he’s back in school, no I don’t want to discuss corona on this thread)
Sometimes it seems like other kids are simply heartless, while he’s a soft wouldn’t hurt a fly type of kid. I generally don’t like the idea of involving other moms in silly kids spats but I feel it would be so easy to resolve this issue if I’d call the mom. I already tried to give my son ideas like don’t interact with mean kids or “fight back” so to speak. I’d hate to hurt moms by giving them such “nachas” calls, plus I feel pretty immature about it.
Note: I’m not talking about bullying, just typical child behavior when some kids are stronger and more confident and I guess less sensitive than mine. WWYD?

amother

Slateblue

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 9:17 pm

No. Unfortunately, we can't fix the world for our kids but we can teach our kids how to navigate the world. What I find helps is for kids to learn to never defend themselves to a bully or mean remark.
"- Your glasses are ugly"
" - You think so? I found them ugly too when I bought them but hey, I can see better now"

- "You're dumb."
- "Yeh, I could use some help in maths. Any tips?"

See, the bully is looking for a fight. But when you surprise him with a casual conversation instead you'll render him speechless.

Practice this with your son again and again until the responses come as a reflex to him. Trust me, no-one will want to bully him again.

amother

Emerald

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 9:33 pm

When this happened with my DD, we practiced interactions and responses. It helps. We acted out scenarios and I would give her ideas of how to respond or even not respond.

Also, if the going got too rough, I did involve the teacher at school and things got a lot better (depends, I suppose, on how the school responds though).

My DD's school had a "zero bullying" policy which is kinda silly because it implies others have a "some bullying allowed" policy.

amother

Cerulean

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 10:28 pm

I would never ever do it myself, but once a woman called me to tell me that she felt my son was being mean to hers. I was so so happy that she mentioned it! He's a boy, and a little rough, and I had no idea that his chutzpah to me meant he might also be tough with other boys. I sat my son down and told him to apologize, to be nicer, to invite him, etc. To this day, they're just not friends, which makes me sad, but I tried.

HOWEVER. That's me. I remember discussing children spats with a few friends of mine, and many of them would prefer their child to be the bully than the bullied, and were also quite mad if any other parent would bring it up. Sometimes there's a reason why their kid is mean, you know?

If you know the parent, like that parent knew me, then do it! Especially if you know she would take it seriously and kindly.

For me, I would never call a parent unless something was really severe. I would try the Rebbe or the principal so that there was a middle man to deliver the news. Once, my mom waltzed right up to the bully on the playground and told that bully never to mess with her son again. He didn't.

Bruria

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 10:32 pm

I would first try the Rebbe or teacher and if that doesn't work then I would talk to other moms if the situation gets out of control.

Of course you should speak in a way that won't offend the mothers, just explaining the situation and asking some help and advice on how to solve it so everyone can be friends.

amother

White

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 11:52 pm

As a little kid there was one classmate of mine who kept on bother me this was in 4th or 4th grade. My mom called up and told the child if she leaves me alone the whole month for purim O would give her a huge mishliach manos. It worked she completely quit and a month over I helped my mom wrap up a beautiful mishloach manos for her. She was so happy and lost interest in fighting. If it's one child. If I think it could help I would speak to the kid directly but never if it's a group cuz its usually a gang

Success10

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 2:07 am

I used to get involved with dd. Then, at one point I just realized that she's super sensitive and I can't keep calling parents every time. She also tells the story in a way that the other kid sounds awful, and the next day they're best friends again. It's very hard to hear about your child getting hurt, I know how badly you want to get involved, but it's best to just try to build up your child's self-esteem and give them coping/ignoring skills. It's rough, but it's part of growing up.

amother

Fuchsia

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 2:18 am

amother [ Cerulean ] wrote:

I would much rather be the parent of the bullied child than the parent of the bully.

There are solutions to help a bullied child, before it gets too bad.

It's much much harder to correct a bully's behavior, and much more likely that the bully will maintain an abusive personality throughout life.

At least the bullied child will probably grow up to be a decent person, and isn't a walking example of awful parenting.

Ora in town

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 3:19 am

silverlining3 wrote:

Perhaps try the rebbe-teacher first. They should be on the lookout...

I would choose the bilateral way first and call the parents, if I decide to call someone... because it's better to involve first those directly concerned, and later third parties...

Might be that the mother is aware of the problem and that she can help solve it...

Ora in town

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 3:24 am

amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:

Never. I would work with my child, work with the teacher, and work with the school. But I'd never contact another parent. I think in many situations it would make things worse for your own child.

But why would you think calling the teacher would help, but calling the other parent would make things worse?

My experience is that calling the teacher, or even worse, the principal makes things worse...

salt

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 3:28 am

When my DS was about 9, he had been out in the park with friends. Later that evening, a neighbour came knocking on the door with her son, and showed me a scratch on her son's face. She said 'your son did this'. I felt SO small and embarrassed, and of course apologised and said I'll speak to him.
I got angry with my son, told him you never do that again, etc etc.

About 2 years later, this scenario came up in conversation, I have no idea why, and my son told me that what had happened was that my son had dropped his yo-yo on the ground, and the other boy grabbed it off the ground and chucked it into the big outdoor garbage bin and he couldn't get it out.
Why he didn't tell me at the time is beyond me, I think he was probably shocked at the sight of the mother showing up at our front door and reprimanding him like that. I obviously wasn't going to go back to this mother years later, but it broke my heart that I hadn't known that at the time.

Not sure what I'm trying to say. This post just reminded me of that. But just make sure you get both sides. I think sometimes it can help to talk to the other child's mother. You have to approach her not in a blaming way, but in a way that you want to hear both sides and try and make things better.

salt

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 3:33 am

Gosh I just remembered another story, where my DS was on the other side of things (different DS to my story above).
He came home crying that his classmate (together with a few helpers) had cornered him in by the classroom tables and hit him on the head with a carrot (go figure). I think he must have felt quite threatened, he never usually cries.

I called the mother, to check if she can find out what this was all about. She asked her son, and he said that my son had taken away his pencil case.
I clarified that with my son, and he admitted to having done that, but he said "I was just joking".
He didn't even realize that's what had sparked off his friend's reaction.

You have to hear both sides, and if the other kid's mother wants to help, things can be sorted out.

Doesn't always have to make things worse.

banana123

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 3:33 am

Ora in town wrote:

The teacher or principal is less likely to feel personally insulted if you say a given child is being mean, than that child's parents.

In my experience neither teacher (apathetic) nor parent (bully) cared to do anything...but the school counselor and principal did.