My inlaws don't have life insurance

amother

Lemon

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 4:03 am

I remember my FIL telling my dh that he had funeral/burial insurance for $10K but after he passsed we found out it was only $3K. There are only 2 children and his FIL was remarried with no assets but a house that couldn't be sold while his wife was living in it. The 2 kids had to help with the tombstone and thankfully the funeral home was very gracious on accepting the insurance and letting the rest go because FIL's SIL was on the chevra kadisha and was a big volunteer. It was hard for us to come up with the cash and we felt very resentful as we felt parents have the obligation to save for funeral expenses. They do not support us so no need for life insurance for us but to not have money set aside for funeral costs when your kids can't afford it isn't a nice way to leave. He was previously living in a nursing home so they should have been prepared. We didn't expect any inheritance but to have to take from our own money for funeral was very hard on us. I would never do that to our kids. We feel life insurance is a no brainer and if you can't afford it, take from somewhere else. Skip a vacation, do less with a simcha or whatever but make it a priority. They spent money on other things that were important to them. This just wasn't important and they felt it was the least we could do for them. I would have been happier to help with expenses if I had the means but we were already maxed out. I'm trying not to judge them but it's hard for me to understand that mentality. You don't cause others hardships for no reason.

amother

Copper

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 4:56 am

I'm sorry, but the previous post has left me a little bit disturbed.

First of all, might FIL have erred and thought his policy was for $10K and not $3K?

Secondly, even if he knew the amount, might he have thought it could be sufficient? It's not like he left NOTHING, after all.

Thirdly, even if he hadn't, why the judgment? Life insurance is a no-brainer FOR YOU, but others might not see it that way. Can't we argue that YOU should have had a $10K emergency fund ("skip the vacation, make a smaller simcha, let go of household help") so that this wouldn't have thrown you for a loop?

Fourth of all, perhaps taking care of Chesed Shel Emes might be part of Kibud Av Va'eim?

amother

Lemon

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 6:53 am

Yeah, I could probably use some rebuke. It was a very difficult situation though. My dh didn't have a great relationship with his father and wife. I think the money we had to shell out just added to it. We are very frugal and it was a hard blow.

We were told though that for kibud av v'em, especially if you can't afford it, you are not required to use your own money to take care of your parents. There was no reason why their assets should not have covered it. My FIL's wife sold the house almost immediately and moved to be with other children and grandchild from her previous marriage. I think we were resentful of that as well. She needed the money to buy elsewhere so there was no inheritance and no paying back for the funeral costs. We don't get into fights over money but resentment or annoyance does build, we're human, what can I say?

It's all past and hopefully both sides have forgiven each other. I was not really involved, I left it to my dh. I'm just pointing out that usually parents try to do all they can for their kids and funeral arrangements should not be disregarded as unimportant. It should be planned for as it is an event which is inevitable. I don't think that is my point of view, I think it is an accepted understanding. It could be my FIL really thought the money would cover it but I guess it was just one of many incidents over the years where important things were overlooked. I give him the benefit of the doubt, I am sorry for assuming anything.

ROFL

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 10:10 am

I hope my life insurance will give my kids money to start there lives ( or actually be more comfortable in their lives. The money from life insurance is for them to use as a down payment for a house. Or if B’ezrat Hashem they buy homes before I go - to help them get a relief from bills or prepay their mortgages or whatever they need.
I don’t know how much money in yerusha I will have. But I feel my life insurance plan will be a nice present for them in the future.

amother

Mistyrose

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 10:16 am

amother [ Lemon ] wrote:

I think the dynamics of a second marriage are really what was problematic and I sympathize with you. There was enough money for the parents to have paid for a funeral but the second wife chose not to use those assets but instead had the adult children pay - presumably HIS children and not HER children.

I would presume the assets of the marriage like the house were either joint assets or assets that the husband had accumulated during his life - including the period before he was married to the second wife.

It is not uncommon for the children of the first marriage to lose economically when a surviving spouse remarries. My good friend came from a relatively affluent family. When her mother died, the father remarried relatively late in life and my friend inherited nothing when the father died - not even her mother's jewelry or other tchotchkes that had personal sentimental value. When the second wife died, EVERYTHING was then left to the children of the second wife.

amother

Saddlebrown

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 12:18 pm

amother [ Tan ] wrote:

Op, why do you think you'll get stuck with their debts? I agree regarding funeral expenses, but if they had credit card or other debt, why would it end up on your lap?

I'm not OP but I'm a bit disturbed by some of the opinions on this thread. I'm the poster who is paying her FIL life insurance with maser money (I committed to it with regular money and would have had to work another 12+ hours a month to cover it. I don't have extra money laying around) I agree that you won't be responsible for credit card debt but am I the only one that feels an obligation to my mother in law and single in law children? 3 of who don't earn money and are still teens and younger?

Isn't family about being there for each other? Doesn't chesed start at home? How would I make shabbos knowing that my husband's siblings and mother didn't have food to eat, money to run the heat, house in foreclosure? Are we supposed to shrug our shoulders and say, oh, let other people's tzedakah money take care of them? And then what happens when the boiler breaks? Where would the money come to replace it?

I thought my FIL was at a real risk with coronavirus and that it was much more sensible to pay life insurance than deal with worrying about supporting another family. Do I have a misplaced sense of responsibility? I can't understand how there is an option to shrug your shoulders and say whatever (if you have the ability to stretch and pay for it)

Maybe because I've seen death of young people up close and personal, friends and family members, that I don't think it's a smart idea to assume that it'll never be your family c'vs and just take your chances.

I think that when you have kids, you have an obligation to make provisions to provide for them if you die before they are able to support themselves. It's irresponsible otherwise. Hashem wants us to do our hishdatlus. I really think it's wrong to just say, don't worry, someone will take care of them.

amother

Saddlebrown

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 1:33 pm

Cont from previous post.

One more comment and then I'm really done. Just because I'm paying for his life insurance, doesn't mean that I get a say in how they spend the rest of their money. I would have rather that he didn't even know it was us but they needed him to sign papers with DH name on it and do a blood test.

I trust that if his business picks up, he will call and tell us he can pay for it himself. And until then I'll pay for it and pretend that it has nothing to do with me.

Don't do something like this if every time they go out for super or replace the air conditioner, you're going to be thinking that it should have gone to the policy instead of you paying for it.

I look at it that I'm doing it for my own peace of mind and so that if c'vs the worst happens, I don't kick myself for not doing something and have a second family to support. I know that the $700 a month now is pennies compared to what it would cost to cover all their expenses. So I do it happily.

2gether

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 3:41 pm

OP, assuming your inlaws live in Israel:

If so then if one dies c"v then the other spouse will have to manage.
If they both die c"v then the community will help and: if they own a house the mortage will be payed auto, there is kitzvat sharit, and if there worked legally then their dependants get a nice % of their salary.

But to all, I don't think its just "mind you own business", I'm afraid c"v both of our parents are going to fall on us in their old age, do they have any plan? no

amother

Lemon

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 3:53 pm

amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:

Thanks, you summed it up well. I wish we only felt absolute love to help in any way possible but the relationship had a lot of issues already and we felt this was just too much and it could have been avoided. I don't think it went against kibud av v'em on our part. My dh loved his father. They weren't poor but lived on a retired budget. I guess this just wasn't part of their planned budget. BEH, I won't do that to my own kids, my dh is very makpid on insurance. He feels there's no choice but not to put the burden on others. All the other grandparents have it all set up, BH. I thought that was the norm.