At what age do you let babies cry it out?

amother

Honeydew

Fri, Jun 19 2020, 2:05 am

Kiwi13 wrote:

Depending on circumstance, it's not "for nothing." For my son, for example, and admittedly it wasn't a true "CIO" like I explained in my last post, his lack of a healthy sleep pattern was more harmful to him than the couple of stressful nights.

For a colicky baby who cries and cries and his mother is going crazy from all the crying and can't heal properly from the birth because of the stress, etc. etc. CIO is a better alternative to prolonging PPD.

There's a reason all the nurses make sure to tell everyone that "no baby ever died from crying." Sometimes it's less about the baby and more about the mother (which by definition IS ABOUT THE BABY! "A healthy baby without a healthy mother is not a healthy baby.")

I think it's a sweeping generalization to say CIO is letting a baby cry for nothing. It's not the nicest way, no, but it's also not horrifying neglect.

We used to think like that as well. And it worked.

But you know what? We still see the results today.

In the short term CIO seems like it doesn't do that much damage. In the long term, it does. And no, it's not always obvious damage, sometimes it shows up years later.

amother

Honeydew

Fri, Jun 19 2020, 2:09 am

amother [ Brown ] wrote:

Op don't believe most of the anti cio posts here.

I did cio at 4-5 Mos and it was the best thing ever. The kids learned to put themselves to sleep within 4 days and were STTN by 7 mos.

If you count total crying time of cio (3 nights of 30-45 min) vs total crying time of other methods or not training them at all, cio results in the least amount of crying and fewest sleepless nights. Sleepy baby = happy mommy.

Read Weissbluth's book. Forgot what it's called but will totally calm you down about cio. It's not making a baby cry. It's letting them. And teaching them.

If you're a mom who needs to sleep, not using this method is cruel to yourself. There is zero evidence of trauma to the baby or to the attachment relationship per the book.

The kids learned that their cries will not be answered, and they shouldn't waste energy and resources crying for comfort and love that won't come. So they work hard to put themselves to sleep, as an escape.

If you count learning that sleep is better than wasting effort asking for love and comfort that won't be given as "learning to put themselves to sleep" then I guess you'd be right.

I don't.

amother

Blue

Fri, Jun 19 2020, 5:10 am

I tried many methods (ferber, baby whisperer, no- cry and others) but none were successful. My baby got so much more upset seeing me in her room not holding her. I finally tried CIO at 7 months and after one night of crying she went down nicely and has been amazing at going to sleep on her own and self soothing ever since. And no, this method wasnt easy for me, I was in tears hearing her cry but it worked and now we both sleep better and are happier

amother

Firebrick

Fri, Jun 19 2020, 5:21 am

amother [ Brown ] wrote:

30-45 minutes is like an eternity for a baby.

I don't think it is a good idea...

amother

Navy

Fri, Jun 19 2020, 5:26 am

Another vote for Precious little sleep! Tons of good sleep advice in that book. We sleep trained around 6 months with short intervals and BH it worked for us. That study about cio teaching babies not to cry is about neglect in a Romanian orphanage in the 80s... Not the average situation. The evidence shows sleep training has a positive effect on parental mental health, which is important for raising healthy children. Good luck OP! I hope you find a method you're comfortable with that will allow you and baby to get the sleep you both need.

amother

Honeydew

Fri, Jun 19 2020, 5:51 am

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

What kind of damage do you see?

Things that could only be because a child was taught that crying will not get you anywhere. There is no other explanation, we did everything else right, and our other children who we did not let CIO do not have those issues at all. We raised them all the same except for CIO and we saw improvement only when we backtracked and went back to letting DC go to sleep on us (but not all the damage was undone even then).

amother

Babypink

Fri, Jun 19 2020, 6:22 am

amother [ Blue ] wrote:

This! I was unable to function from lack of sleep, to the point that it was unsafe for the baby. I had no choice but to see if she could cope without me coming into her room. I didn't want to do it. It isn't from laziness or lack of heart. I cried. But she settled herself and immediately slept through the night. My efforts to soothe her had actually been waking her up more, and she was clearly better rested without all the intervention. Years later, there have been absolutely no ill effects.

amother

Honeydew

Fri, Jun 19 2020, 6:49 am

amother [ Babypink ] wrote:

Most people claim that. We did too, at first.

amother

Babypink

Fri, Jun 19 2020, 6:56 am

amother [ Pearl ] wrote:

CIO is only for at night. During the day, the baby should know that someone hears him or her crying.

Absolutely agreed. And there should be little reason to cry. In my family, letting a baby settle on his/her own is in the context of very attentive parenting, deeply attuned to the baby's emotional and physical needs.

Ora in town

Fri, Jun 19 2020, 7:05 am

I just read up on the subject and came to the conclusion that nothing is as dramatic or definitive as it seems...

On the one hand, it is illusory to believe that any method will work with all children or that any method will solve the problem once and forever, even if it works at the beginning.

So the idea that "Crying it out" or "ferber" is hard, but more durable is not supported by scientific evidence, and not even claimed by the proponents of this method. On the other hand, no study reveals long-term-damage caused by this method. So at the same time it is not as efficient as it is made out to be, but also not as damaging as some make it out to be (although I have reservations on the attachment aspect).

So: have the courage to try out what works (bedtime routine, soothing, checking for reflux, perhaps later bedtime, perhaps heartier meal before bedtime, perhaps staying near, waiting a bit before picking up, etc.) and don't be too dogmatic about it...

banana123

Fri, Jun 19 2020, 7:48 am

nchr wrote:

From the day they are born - more consciously at 3 months old. I think it makes them smarter.

Huh?

Why would you think that letting a baby cry makes that child smarter? If anything more touch and attention makes children smarter - not being left to cry.

ETA: DH just pointed out that if CIO made babies smarter, the world would be dominated by products of orphanages.

Last edited by banana123 on Fri, Jun 19 2020, 8:28 am; edited 1 time in total

Rachel Shira

Fri, Jun 19 2020, 8:07 am

Third vote for the precious little sleep book, and I will say under my screen name that if you are struggling with the way you’re currently getting your baby to sleep, it doesn’t need to continue like that under the guise of being an “attached” mother, or whatever. Your mental health is very important. I sleep train my babies around 4 months (not night wean, just teach to fall asleep independently with some crying, yes) and still am extremely responsive and loving mother whose kids are very well adjusted. For everyone staunchly against it, there are as many people who are strongly for it. Look into it for yourself. Your life will dramatically change when your baby goes to sleep on his own.

Refine

Fri, Jun 19 2020, 8:38 am

I'm not sure if I did cio per say, but my babies did go through some periods of crying when going to sleep.
I did it at an earlier age with each subsequent child, usually when they are old enough to roll themselves over into a preferred position and get theit passifier into their own mouth (if they're taking one).
I read weidsbluths healthy sleep habits, happy baby, but didnt follow completely.
I learned from that book that an overtired baby is a very cranky baby that cries a lot so I tried to prevent that.
The blog in between carpools has a great suggested nap schedule that I used with my youngest.
As I got more experienced with motherhood, I was able to differentiate between a cranky baby, a baby (or toddler) who is upset that they didnt get what they want and a frantic baby.
A frantic baby can't fall aseep like that. A cranky or upset baby will adjust and settle down.
So if (when) the cries get frantic, I go in and calm the baby down fully and then we try again . It's worked for us.
Kvetching, crying and sobbing are different and you as a mother can decide what's OK for your baby depending on what's going on.
Just keep in mind that just like a baby needs food for their development, they need sleep for their development. You are not hurting them by letting them experience discomfort until they figure out the best way for them to sleep, just like you are not hurting them if you don't keep giving them snacks at every whimper to prevent them from the discomfort of getting hungry enough for a real meal.
Babies need good restorative sleep. Signs of sleep deprivation mimic adhd symptoms. Sleep teaching is not just for moms sake but baby''s too.

banana123

Fri, Jun 19 2020, 8:42 am

Refine wrote:

I'm not sure if I did cio per say, but my babies did go through some periods of crying when going to sleep.
I did it at an earlier age with each child. Usually when they are old enough to rI'll themselves over into a preferred position and get theit passifier into their own mouth (of they're taking one).
I read weidsbluths healthy sleep habits, happy baby, but didnt follow completely.
I learned that an overtired baby is a very cranky baby that cries a lot so I tried to prevent that.
The blog in between carpools has a great suggested nap schedule that a used with my youngest.
As I got more experienced with motherhood, I was able to differentiate between a cranky baby, a baby (or toddler) who is upset that they didnt get what they want and a frantic baby.
A frantic baby can't fall aseep like that. A cranky or upset baby will adjust and settle down.
So if (when) the cries get frantic, I go in and calm the baby down fully and then we try again . It's worked for us.
Kvetching, crying and sobbing are different and you as a mother can decide what's OK for your baby depending on what's going on.
Just keep in mind that just like a baby needs food for their development, they need sleep for their development. You are not hurting them by letting them experience discomfort until they figure out the best way for them to sleep, just like you are not hurting them if you don't keep giving them snacks at every whimper to prevent them from the discomfort of getting hungry enough for a meal.
Babies need good restorative sleep. Signs of sleep deprivation mimic adhd symptoms. Sleep teaching is not just for moms sake.

The bottom line is that attentiveness to baby's needs, NOT sleep training, is what will help ensure that baby gets enough and restorative sleep.

And when a baby isn't sleeping well, the solution is not to sleep train - the solution is to find out WHY the baby is not sleeping well, and solve that problem. (Hunger? Gas? Something else?)