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I don’t want to lend out my pool - how to tell neighbors
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amother
White


 

Post Wed, Jun 24 2020, 9:07 am
We have a backyard pool it's not super huge but around 20 feet long. it's our first year having it but so far no one has asked. I've told a couple of friends that they could come over even by themselves to use it if they're worried about the virus. There's a lot of chlorine in the pool. My thinking is that I spent money on it and I'm happy to share but I totally understand that people don't all feel the same.I'm sure if I get a ton of people asking that I would feel very differently.
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amother
Emerald


 

Post Wed, Jun 24 2020, 9:31 am
the husband and I don't agree with this. He wants to rent out our pool, and of course, friends and family. blah blah.
and I just want it for myself. its more about responsibility. family, I understand he doesnt want to say no to. but with every additional person is additional responsibility. I'm freaking out trying to find somewehre where I can become more of a master at swimming / lifeguarding. and he doesnt swim.
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amother
Pewter


 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2020, 7:33 pm
We recently purchased a home with a pool and already dhs sisters are going on and on about how they’ll always be coming over to use it etc etc. I’m ok with having them over here and there but I dont want them over all the time. They lack boundaries in general and are acting very entitled to our house/pool already. I’m more introverted and need time alone/with my family and also would like to use the pool without covering up. I also am afraid of them asking to use the pool when we’re not home as I’m not comfortable with others in my home when I’m out. Any suggestions of how to deal with this?
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2020, 7:46 pm
amother [ Pewter ] wrote:
We recently purchased a home with a pool and already dhs sisters are going on and on about how they’ll always be coming over to use it etc etc. I’m ok with having them over here and there but I dont want them over all the time. They lack boundaries in general and are acting very entitled to our house/pool already. I’m more introverted and need time alone/with my family and also would like to use the pool without covering up. I also am afraid of them asking to use the pool when we’re not home as I’m not comfortable with others in my home when I’m out. Any suggestions of how to deal with this?

Just say no. You are not obligated to share it at all.

If you are having a summer family get-together/BBQ anyway at your house, then sure, it would make sense to share on that occasion only. However, if not, then it is yours. I

I want to use your pool, but you would have no problem saying no to me, anonymous chutzpadik woman on the Internet. Treat them as if you were saying no to me. Absolutely don’t let them or anyone in your pool when you are not there! Why they feel so entitled to it is beyond me.

Maybe soften the blow by talking about liability/accidents/insurance but do say no.
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amother
Dustypink


 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2020, 7:48 pm
amother [ Pewter ] wrote:
We recently purchased a home with a pool and already dhs sisters are going on and on about how they’ll always be coming over to use it etc etc. I’m ok with having them over here and there but I dont want them over all the time. They lack boundaries in general and are acting very entitled to our house/pool already. I’m more introverted and need time alone/with my family and also would like to use the pool without covering up. I also am afraid of them asking to use the pool when we’re not home as I’m not comfortable with others in my home when I’m out. Any suggestions of how to deal with this?


Your point of view is normal. They need boundaries.

Since they are your husband’s siblings, I would think he should be the one to talk to them. He can explain that you wouldn’t say no because you love them and want to be a good sil, but they need to be good sils top and understand universally accepted boundaries.


Last edited by amother on Wed, Oct 25 2023, 11:07 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Jetblack


 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2020, 7:52 pm
Whenever someone asks you just say no. ‘We don’t have company over to swim’ eventually they will get the message and stop asking.
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Chana Miriam S




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2020, 7:54 pm
Insurance problems. Also blame Covid
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amother
Pewter


 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2020, 8:23 pm
amother [ Bisque ] wrote:
Just say no. You are not obligated to share it at all.

If you are having a summer family get-together/BBQ anyway at your house, then sure, it would make sense to share on that occasion only. However, if not, then it is yours. I

I want to use your pool, but you would have no problem saying no to me, anonymous chutzpadik woman on the Internet. Treat them as if you were saying no to me. Absolutely don’t let them or anyone in your pool when you are not there! Why they feel so entitled to it is beyond me.

Maybe soften the blow by talking about liability/accidents/insurance but do say no.


I imagine myself just saying no and then them pressuring my husband into saying yes behind my back! Or complaining amongst themselves or on the family chat how mean I am. Even though I would definitely say yes every few sundays during pool season but it can’t be every week. Even weekdays after day camp I would not be in the mood for my sil to come over with her kids.
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amother
Pewter


 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2020, 8:27 pm
My husband would never give them the boundaries speech. He grew up with them and think that the oversharing and entitlement and lack of privacy in the family is normal. And he would probably always say yes if they ask, so it’s on me to kind of set rules. Even though I don’t wanna be the bad one!
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amother
Mint


 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2020, 8:29 pm
amother [ Pewter ] wrote:
I imagine myself just saying no and then them pressuring my husband into saying yes behind my back! Or complaining amongst themselves or on the family chat how mean I am. Even though I would definitely say yes every few sundays during pool season but it can’t be every week. Even weekdays after day camp I would not be in the mood for my sil to come over with her kids.


I’m so sorry! That sounds so difficult bc they’re your husbands family..I sincerely hope they won’t mind if you tell them that during the week you need your privacy in your own home..and sundays you will be glad to have them over. I hope they would never write bad about you on their family chat, that just sounds awful.
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amother
Salmon


 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2020, 8:34 pm
amother [ Pewter ] wrote:
My husband would never give them the boundaries speech. He grew up with them and think that the oversharing and entitlement and lack of privacy in the family is normal. And he would probably always say yes if they ask, so it’s on me to kind of set rules. Even though I don’t wanna be the bad one!


If that’s true you’re probably going to have to host them more than you want to.
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2020, 8:36 pm
I have a pool. And I am the b****. And I really don’t care.
Wanna use my pool? Sorry no. Won’t work. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
To one of my hubby’s friends who keeps asking. We just say it won’t work. He has boys. I have girls. And I am not kicking my kids outta the pool.
To my sis in law. Sorry. Won’t work.
And sometimes I will bring the issue up before they even ask. Like I will say a story of someone who let his friends use the pool and one person fell. Wanted to sue the property owner when owner did him a favor and let him swim. So when I tell this story, I say and that’s when I learnt to never let others use my pool.

And this is a true story. Happened to a good friend of mine. And when I tell this story, people feel stupid asking.
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WhatFor




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2020, 8:37 pm
amother [ Pewter ] wrote:
I imagine myself just saying no and then them pressuring my husband into saying yes behind my back! Or complaining amongst themselves or on the family chat how mean I am. Even though I would definitely say yes every few sundays during pool season but it can’t be every week. Even weekdays after day camp I would not be in the mood for my sil to come over with her kids.



If you're not opposed to ever having them over, how about you give a specific day like "Tuesdays work for us." Or, if you don't want to commit like that, how about "Why don't you ask us on Sunday and I'll let you know what day that week works for us." If it's because you're an introvert, there's no shame in saying that sometime in conversation, although maybe not in the context of the pool, like you're giving an excuse.

Btw, if you want more responses to your question, you might get more if you start your own thread or ask a mod to make your question into a spin-off. People often just read the initial post (which was from June.)
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WhatFor




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2020, 8:38 pm
amother [ Pewter ] wrote:
My husband would never give them the boundaries speech. He grew up with them and think that the oversharing and entitlement and lack of privacy in the family is normal. And he would probably always say yes if they ask, so it’s on me to kind of set rules. Even though I don’t wanna be the bad one!


Then your primary issue is your DH. You need to sit down and have a convo with him about your needs and make sure he's on board. You come before his sisters.
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2020, 8:39 pm
amother [ Pewter ] wrote:
I imagine myself just saying no and then them pressuring my husband into saying yes behind my back! Or complaining amongst themselves or on the family chat how mean I am. Even though I would definitely say yes every few sundays during pool season but it can’t be every week. Even weekdays after day camp I would not be in the mood for my sil to come over with her kids.


So invite them over the first time. While they are still there say something like "This is pretty fun! Let's plan another pool party for <insert>"

If they try to do it too soon just be vague "I'm not sure that's going to work, but let's pick a date that I know will work. If August 15th doesn't work, would August 22nd?"
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amother
Seagreen


 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2020, 8:41 pm
amother [ Lime ] wrote:
There's a big difference between lending and renting.

Asking to use someone else's pool is just odd. If my neighbor has a bigger closet than I do, should I ask to store my clothes at her place? Kal vachomer in a case like this, where there's real danger involved.


No, but if someone has a spare freezer and I'm making Sheva Brachos, I'll ask if I can store a few thing in her freezer and she can say yes or no depending on her life. Same with the pool. What's wrong with asking? The problem is when you can't listen to the answer you don't want to hear.
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amother
Pewter


 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2020, 8:42 pm
amother [ Mint ] wrote:
I’m so sorry! That sounds so difficult bc they’re your husbands family..I sincerely hope they won’t mind if you tell them that during the week you need your privacy in your own home..and sundays you will be glad to have them over. I hope they would never write bad about you on their family chat, that just sounds awful.


They would. In a passive aggressive snarky way. Sad
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amother
Pewter


 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2020, 8:46 pm
amother [ Apricot ] wrote:
I have a pool. And I am the b****. And I really don’t care.
Wanna use my pool? Sorry no. Won’t work. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
To one of my hubby’s friends who keeps asking. We just say it won’t work. He has boys. I have girls. And I am not kicking my kids outta the pool.
To my sis in law. Sorry. Won’t work.
And sometimes I will bring the issue up before they even ask. Like I will say a story of someone who let his friends use the pool and one person fell. Wanted to sue the property owner when owner did him a favor and let him swim. So when I tell this story, I say and that’s when I learnt to never let others use my pool.

And this is a true story. Happened to a good friend of mine. And when I tell this story, people feel stupid asking.


Love your unapologetic attitude! I hate that I’m a people pleaser and an introvert and these kinds of situations put those parts of me at odds
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amother
Pewter


 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2020, 9:03 pm
WhatFor wrote:
If you're not opposed to ever having them over, how about you give a specific day like "Tuesdays work for us." Or, if you don't want to commit like that, how about "Why don't you ask us on Sunday and I'll let you know what day that week works for us." If it's because you're an introvert, there's no shame in saying that sometime in conversation, although maybe not in the context of the pool, like you're giving an excuse.

Btw, if you want more responses to your question, you might get more if you start your own thread or ask a mod to make your question into a spin-off. People often just read the initial post (which was from June.)


Thanks, I like the idea of me specifying times that the pool will be available, instead of always being asked.
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amother
Pewter


 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2020, 9:06 pm
WhatFor wrote:
Then your primary issue is your DH. You need to sit down and have a convo with him about your needs and make sure he's on board. You come before his sisters.


We’ve been through this issue a lot over our marriage and by now he understands me and my point of view. In the moment though it’s hard for him to respond in the best way. So we’ve made up that when he gets a request from his sibling he should respond that he’ll discuss it with me, or that sibling should ask me directly.
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