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Would you make a shidduch with a family that....
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ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jun 24 2020, 10:53 pm
imasoftov wrote:
If you make the shidduch, will they let you park there?
probably not, it doesn't seem that they make exceptions
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amother




Tangerine
 

Post  Wed, Jun 24 2020, 10:54 pm
My neighbor flipped out on another neighbor for parking in front of OUR house regularly... Because it's next to her house.

She also flipped out on us for trying to plant tomatoes on the side of our house that faces her house.

She also planted her own things on our property because it faces her house....

I got into a huge blowout with her. And really find her to be quite mean. I felt bad. But realized that asking her for mechila might actually make things worse with her.... So I davened for her 35 yr old son to get married and BH he did just short of a year later. (and I davened for her to get remarried)

Short story long ... Just by what I see as a neighbor. I wouldn't wish her as a mother in law for anyone that doesn't have a strong will.


But I do wish for her need to remarry come true...maybe she's mean nosey and selfish because she's lonely.
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amother




Rose
 

Post  Wed, Jun 24 2020, 11:01 pm
I'm starting to understand why we have a shidduch crisis...
Can you please explain to me what impact this can possibly have on two young people getting married??
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amother




Red
 

Post  Wed, Jun 24 2020, 11:09 pm
My neighbors are very tense about their parking and woe to those that dare upset him. They made beautiful shidduchim, and he's good to his extended family. He has a meshugas. everybodys got soemthing.
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amother




Lime
 

Post  Wed, Jun 24 2020, 11:13 pm
amother [ Rose ] wrote:
I'm starting to understand why we have a shidduch crisis...
Can you explain to me what impact this can possibly have on two young people getting married??


Yes I can. It’s bad middos. There’s nothing more important than finding a family with good middos, but it can be hard to find out.
You can ask if the girl or her family have good middos and you’ll get a yes and it will mean nothing.
Or you can listen to information people give you and hear what message they’re trying to pass on.
I have one neighbor that calls the public parking space in the street in front of her house “my parking space”. I’ve seen her ask someone to move who was parking there.
I’ve dealt with this person in business. I’ve found her selfish and inconsiderate. I had a business problem a few years ago that involved a lot of people I dealt with. I found everyone reasonable and kind and we worked out solutions that worked for both sides. The lady with the parking was the only one who treated me in a nasty manner that was to her benefit. Interesting also that she was the one who had the least to lose financially from behaving like a mentsh but didn’t bother.
This isn’t the same as being particular about what earrings the girl wore or what tablecloth or dishes the mother uses. Nothing trumps middos and selfishness is a bad midda you want to stay away from.
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crust




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jun 24 2020, 11:18 pm
amother [ Rose ] wrote:
I'm starting to understand why we have a shidduch crisis...
Can you please explain to me what impact this can possibly have on two young people getting married??


Rather I think you should start to understand that we don't live in the dark ages anymore and it's easy to find out how one behaves in public.

Any and all info about the way one interacts with people will be shared when shidduchim come around.

And yes it affects the couple in many ways. Nobody wants to have mean genes in their future children.
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amother




Rose
 

Post  Wed, Jun 24 2020, 11:20 pm
amother [ Lime ] wrote:
Yes I can. It’s bad middos. There’s nothing more important than finding a family with good middos, but it can be hard to find out.
You can ask if the girl or her family have good middos and you’ll get a yes and it will mean nothing.
Or you can listen to information people give you and hear what message they’re trying to pass on.
I have one neighbor that calls the public parking space in the street in front of her house “my parking space”. I’ve seen her ask someone to move who was parking there.
I’ve dealt with this person in business. I’ve found her selfish and inconsiderate. I had a business problem a few years ago that involved a lot of people I dealt with. I found everyone reasonable and kind and we worked out solutions that worked for both sides. The lady with the parking was the only one who treated me in a nasty manner that was to her benefit. Interesting also that she was the one who had the least to lose financially from behaving like a mentsh but didn’t bother.
This isn’t the same as being particular about what earrings the girl wore or what tablecloth or dishes the mother uses. Nothing trumps middos and selfishness is a bad midda you want to stay away from.

Thanks for the explanation. However, isn't it more important to look at the middos of the actual prospective couple individually? They're not going to be married to each other's families, after all. You're refusing someone the chance of possibly finding their bashert over something that may turn out to be so insignificant in the long run.
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amother




Rose
 

Post  Wed, Jun 24 2020, 11:23 pm
crust wrote:
Rather I think you should start to understand that we don't live in the dark ages anymore and it's easy to find out how one behaves in public.

Any and all info about the way one interacts with people will be shared when shidduchim come around.

And yes it affects the couple in many ways. Nobody wants to have mean genes in their future children.

I guess my OOT community has very different standards. I'm sorry, but I don't think I will ever understand.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Jun 24 2020, 11:31 pm
amother [ Rose ] wrote:
I'm starting to understand why we have a shidduch crisis...
Can you please explain to me what impact this can possibly have on two young people getting married??



I suppose the impact would be that an innocent child had an upbringing in a home where the parents are not only selfish in that they don't realize they don't own the spot in front of their house but also very socially unaware that neighbors mock them as loonies because they are so protective of something that doesn't belong to them. Does this environment have an impact on a child growing up in this type of home?
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amother




Tangerine
 

Post  Wed, Jun 24 2020, 11:36 pm
amother [ Rose ] wrote:
Thanks for the explanation. However, isn't it more important to look at the middos of the actual prospective couple individually? They're not going to be married to each other's families, after all. You're refusing someone the chance of possibly finding their bashert over something that may turn out to be so insignificant in the long run.


Wellll my neighbors 35 yr old single son came out when we were planting our tomatoes ... While his mom was screaming at us. And his comment ... "Tomato plants will bring down our property value"

Soooooo
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Ora in town




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 12:16 am
amother [ Mauve ] wrote:
Its brooklyn and its very annoying to go home and not have a spot. I used to ask ppl to mkve their cars cuz they would make a 2 car spot into 1 and then my dh wouldn't have a spot in front.

So it's not weird. It could be she is putting her husband and herself or kids first.

Not weird. Of course move on with the shidduch

Perhaps it's you?
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Ora in town




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 12:17 am
crust wrote:
Rather I think you should start to understand that we don't live in the dark ages anymore and it's easy to find out how one behaves in public.

Any and all info about the way one interacts with people will be shared when shidduchim come around.

And yes it affects the couple in many ways. Nobody wants to have mean genes in their future children.

How does this "mean gene" thing work exactly?
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naomi2




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 12:34 am
I would find out if here is a good reason to ask people not to park there, such as that cars will block the mailbox and they won't receive their mail. If it's just because they feel entitled to the spot or it's convenient for them or they don't like how it looks to have a car parked there then I would run far away from them.
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crust




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 1:01 am
Delete

Last edited by crust on Thu, Jun 25 2020, 1:25 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother




Lawngreen
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 1:08 am
My father in law makes such a fuss whenever anyone parks in front of his house, and he has a driveway! He just doesn't like parking in the driveway. He doesn't own the curb, it's public property. He's a very selfish person and gets very angry when he has to go an inch out of his comfort zone. Everything must go exactly his way as if he's the only person on the planet.
So I'd look into this family if the parents aren't selfish and why they don't let park in front of their house. It's a weird thing, it's public property.
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nursemomma




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 1:09 am
Ora in town wrote:
How does this "mean gene" thing work exactly?


There are two things said to influence how children will turn out - nature and nurture.
In this case, this boy or girl may have both these factors stacked against them.
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merelyme




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 1:39 am
Ora in town wrote:
Perhaps it's you?

Ora in town wrote:
How does this "mean gene" thing work exactly?


Ladies, please keep this thread kind, helpful and relevant to the op


Last edited by merelyme on Thu, Jun 25 2020, 2:12 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother




Lawngreen
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 1:46 am
amother [ Mauve ] wrote:
Its brooklyn and its very annoying to go home and not have a spot. I used to ask ppl to mkve their cars cuz they would make a 2 car spot into 1 and then my dh wouldn't have a spot in front.

So it's not weird. It could be she is putting her husband and herself or kids first.

Not weird. Of course move on with the shidduch


Sure it's weird. And also very rude and selfish. You don't own the road and curb in front of your house, it's public property. It's not a matter of putting yourself or husband first, you don't put yourself first by demanding things you have no right to. This is what selfish people do.
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amother




Silver
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 2:27 am
I think I'm the only exception here who thinks it may be okay.

I live in Staten Island and there's an unwritten rule in my neighborhood that the spot in front of a house goes to the homeowner. Of course, it's not a law, and it's public property, so it's not like you can do anything about it if someone does park in front of your house. But it's common for people to get a bit annoyed when someone does it.

So OP, I think the answer depends on the neighborhood the prospective shidduch lives in.

Disclaimer: If he slashes the tires or smashes the windows, that's a whole 'nother story...
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amother




Yellow
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 2:30 am
amother [ Silver ] wrote:
I think I'm the only exception here who thinks it may be okay.

I live in Staten Island and there's an unwritten rule in my neighborhood that the spot in front of a house goes to the homeowner. Of course, it's not a law, and it's public property, so it's not like you can do anything about it if someone does park in front of your house. But it's common for people to get a bit annoyed when someone does it.

So OP, I think the answer depends on the neighborhood the prospective shidduch lives in.

Disclaimer: If he slashes the tires or smashes the windows, that's a whole 'nother story...

I feel the same. In monsey. Yes the location would make a big difference. Especially this seems to be the only negative they heard on the family.
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