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Would you make a shidduch with a family that....
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amother




Bronze
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 2:38 am
amother [ Silver ] wrote:
I think I'm the only exception here who thinks it may be okay.

I live in Staten Island and there's an unwritten rule in my neighborhood that the spot in front of a house goes to the homeowner. Of course, it's not a law, and it's public property, so it's not like you can do anything about it if someone does park in front of your house. But it's common for people to get a bit annoyed when someone does it.

So OP, I think the answer depends on the neighborhood the prospective shidduch lives in.

Disclaimer: If he slashes the tires or smashes the windows, that's a whole 'nother story...


This. I live in Israel and we each park where we find a spot. The space in front of my house isn't mine anymore than the space down the street. Of course it's annoying, but I wouldn't think to ask people not to park there. Where would they park?

But if it's the norm that the space in front of the house is unofficially reserved for the homeowner, then that's a different case.

But in any case, I wouldn't veto a shidduch based only on that one piece of information.
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watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 6:23 am
amother [ Silver ] wrote:
I think I'm the only exception here who thinks it may be okay.

I live in Staten Island and there's an unwritten rule in my neighborhood that the spot in front of a house goes to the homeowner. Of course, it's not a law, and it's public property, so it's not like you can do anything about it if someone does park in front of your house. But it's common for people to get a bit annoyed when someone does it.

So OP, I think the answer depends on the neighborhood the prospective shidduch lives in.

Disclaimer: If he slashes the tires or smashes the windows, that's a whole 'nother story...

But clearly this is not the case in the neighborhood where OP is inquiring about. If it were, the neighbor she spoke to would not have mentioned it because its normal and expected.

OP, like I’ve said in other threads asking about making a shidduch with a family with difficult parents - yes I would. That kid should not have to suffer because of their parents.
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amother




Papaya
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 7:01 am
Thank you merely me
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ora_43




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 7:21 am
Isn't the point of meeting to get to know each other?

I mean, yes, by all means, rule out major incompatibility beforehand - she wants to make aliyah; he wants to do shlichut in Arkansas - and make sure there are no nasty surprises along the lines of, he's a mean and lazy person, or she's on a totally different religious level than what he's looking for.

But weeding out even potential exposure to a specific form of petty selfishness? I dunno. To me that's firmly in the category of stuff you can't really control for.
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amother




Vermilion
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 7:22 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Doesn't allow people to park in front of their house?

My nephew was red to a girl (not in bklyn) and my sister knows a neighbor on the girls block. My sister called the neighbor and was told that this family will tell people to move when they see people parking in front of their house. It's not a one time thing when they needed the spot. This is their mehalech. Seems weird. Otherwise, we heard nice things.


Makes sense to me if the people parked are blocking their driveway. If you need to get out of your driveway in an emergency but you can’t because someone has parked there, it is potentially life threatening.

Conversely, I am not sure I would want my kids on a shidduch with a family who cares about things like this...
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ora_43




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 7:25 am
If they had a reputation for being the neighbors from h*ll that would be a different story. Although for me that still wouldn't be a hard "no," it would be something to warn the person doing the dating about. After all, the kids of the neighbors-from-heck are sometimes nice people, and not everybody cares all that much how nice their in-laws are, as long as the person they're marrying is great.

(and, bonus, if the in-laws are jerks, you get your kid for holidays Wink )
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watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 8:26 am
For what its worth, OP, I have neighbors who do this also. If anyone is parked in front of their house, they ask us to move. I wonder actually if we are talking about the same people - another neighbor of mine told me she got a call for a shidduch reference about them. There are other issues with the family but most of their kids are normal and very nice. One son just got married and he seems to be very nice, always outside playing with his many nieces and nephews (their grandkids) who are living with them at the moment. The parents are weird. But nice and harmless. Strong opinions, and the father is pushy, but not in a way that would interfere with his kids marriage. But someone looking in on the outside could make a snap decision and it would be sad.
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enneamom




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 8:55 am
Be aware that it could just be an unfounded rumor. Rumors get started about neighbors all the time.
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amother




Violet
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 8:58 am
amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:
This is such an odd thing to criticize! There are any number of sensible reasons they dont want people parking in front of their home.

It seems that the reason this stands out is because there is nothing else to complain about- and if this is the worst thing people can say about them, you have yourself a winner! Go for it!

Trust me, you'll love our daughter!


So this is you?
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Angolama




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 9:03 am
amother [ Mauve ] wrote:
Its brooklyn and its very annoying to go home and not have a spot. I used to ask ppl to mkve their cars cuz they would make a 2 car spot into 1 and then my dh wouldn't have a spot in front.

So it's not weird. It could be she is putting her husband and herself or kids first.

Not weird. Of course move on with the shidduch



I probably wouldn't make a shidduch with a person that habitually parks in a mannerism that takes up 2 spots unnecessarily. It displays an element of self centeredness and obliviousness and lack of caring as to the fact that others have needs to, to the degree that I would not recommend such an individual as a martial partner. The most important aspect of a marriage is the ability to recognize that others have needs too, and to think about others and not just yourself. A narcissist's marriage has bad odds of being a happy one.
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tp3




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 9:07 am
enneamom wrote:
Be aware that it could just be an unfounded rumor. Rumors get started about neighbors all the time.

And exaggerated too!
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Angolama




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 9:14 am
watergirl wrote:
But clearly this is not the case in the neighborhood where OP is inquiring about. If it were, the neighbor she spoke to would not have mentioned it because its normal and expected.

OP, like I’ve said in other threads asking about making a shidduch with a family with difficult parents - yes I would. That kid should not have to suffer because of their parents.


Neither should your kid. You have a fiduciary responsibility to set them up for the best happiness odds, if you want them to trust you to assist in handling their marriage prospects. In addition, if a child was raised in an environment that encourages selfishness, that can be disastrous for a marriage. I don't believe you would really sacrifice your child on your altar of conceptual ideals though. When you get to that stage in life, you'll get more realistic.
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Angolama




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 9:22 am
Ora in town wrote:
How does this "mean gene" thing work exactly?


People tend to develop based on the environment they were raised in and education they received. If they are raised to idealize fighting for yourself and bring greedy and selfish and unkind and inconsiderate to others, there is a high statistical likelihood that these characteristics will be inculcated within them. Obviously, this is far from guaranteed, especially since children are raised in more than just their homes, but it definitely is something to look into.
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amother




Teal
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 9:53 am
I used to live in a development in Lakewood, where every house came with one reserved parking spot, and every couple of spots, there was an extra "guest" spot.

We had a neighbor who had 2 cars, and he would do anything he could to grab the guest spot for himself. He would park his car in the guest spot when his own spot was empty, in order to save that one for his other car. He told us that really the guest spot is his because of someone uses something that is "hefker" it becomes his. I told him the only thing is, the guest spot was never hefker - it always belonged to everyone in the development.

One winter, he paid someone to dig his car out of the guest spot. I had guests for Shabbos who came, the spot was empty, and they pulled into it. He came and demanded that they move, since he had "paid" and it was his. (I ran this by my Rav, who said no such thing.)

And yes, to a great degree, it was reflective of what he's like in general. And his kids are entitled just like they were raised. (though his wife is a sweet woman.)

Yes, I would look into something like this to make sure it isn't reflective of their whole attitude.
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 9:57 am
Yikes, I don't relate to the attitude that the spot on the street in front of your house belongs to you. I live near two shuls with halls, and whenever there are Simchos there in the evening (like vorts and bar mitzvahs) every inch of space in front of my house is car-occupied.



I was once coming home at night and a guy was obviously circling looking for a spot. He gave me a nasty look when I pulled into my own driveway!
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banana123




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 10:01 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Doesn't allow people to park in front of their house?

My nephew was red to a girl (not in bklyn) and my sister knows a neighbor on the girls block. My sister called the neighbor and was told that this family will tell people to move when they see people parking in front of their house. It's not a one time thing when they needed the spot. This is their mehalech. Seems weird. Otherwise, we heard nice things.

In front of the driveway blocks their access.
In front of their house, not on the driveway, is kind of odd.
I'd assume that this is their quirk and they are concerned that someone is watching them. Do they have money for a security alarm?
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notshanarishona




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 10:07 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Doesn't allow people to park in front of their house?

My nephew was red to a girl (not in bklyn) and my sister knows a neighbor on the girls block. My sister called the neighbor and was told that this family will tell people to move when they see people parking in front of their house. It's not a one time thing when they needed the spot. This is their mehalech. Seems weird. Otherwise, we heard nice things.


Not unless someone in their family is handicapped or they have some other real reason why they can’t park somewhere else . That shows something not so nice about them.
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mommish613




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 10:15 am
It really depends on the culture of the location that they live. My sil lives in Chicago- in her neighborhood it’s an unwritten rule that the spot in front of your house belongs to you (she doesn’t have a driveway). The person who was called might not be aware of the culture or she may have a driveway so it doesn’t apply to her. When my sil came home with packages on a very icy day and saw her neighbor’s car parked in front of her house (said neighbors driveway was empty) she asked them if they can please move it.

The same applies to my parents vacation home in the mountains. It’s an unwritten rule that you get 2 spots in front of your house. If someone has a ton of guests and parks in front of my parents house my dad asks them to please move so he can park there.

You have to look into the culture of the neighborhood. If it was Brooklyn I would say to look up their address on google maps and see if it’s a very small space in front of the house that can block a driveway. There can be valid reasons for all of this.
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singleagain




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 10:34 am
notshanarishona wrote:
Not unless someone in their family is handicapped or they have some other real reason why they can’t park somewhere else . That shows something not so nice about them.


And I'd you have a handicap, you can and should ask your city to out a handicap spot for you.
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watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jun 25 2020, 12:08 pm
Angolama wrote:
Neither should your kid. You have a fiduciary responsibility to set them up for the best happiness odds, if you want them to trust you to assist in handling their marriage prospects. In addition, if a child was raised in an environment that encourages selfishness, that can be disastrous for a marriage. I don't believe you would really sacrifice your child on your altar of conceptual ideals though. When you get to that stage in life, you'll get more realistic.

You are a new member and you don't know me or the other people here very well. I suggest holding off on making assumptions on other people. Either don't do it at all, or wait until you know members a bit better. Especially before saying things like the bolded. You don't know me and you don't know what stage of life I'm up to.

All we know about this family is they don't want people to park in front of their house. That could be indicative of "an environment that encourages selfishness", it could be a one-off, a quirk, or it could be something else. We all have our things. Proceed with caution, but making a snap decision based off what ONE neighbor says... that says more about you and how you raise YOUR kid than the family in question.
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