Would you make a shidduch with a family that....

Bubby6

Fri, Jun 26 2020, 3:17 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Doesn't allow people to park in front of their house?

My nephew was red to a girl (not in bklyn) and my sister knows a neighbor on the girls block. My sister called the neighbor and was told that this family will tell people to move when they see people parking in front of their house. It's not a one time thing when they needed the spot. This is their mehalech. Seems weird. Otherwise, we heard nice things.

Red flag! Do more research to see if this is the family's attitude or if it is the absolutely only negative.

amother

Hotpink

Fri, Jun 26 2020, 3:22 pm

ora_43 wrote:

If they had a reputation for being the neighbors from h*ll that would be a different story. Although for me that still wouldn't be a hard "no," it would be something to warn the person doing the dating about. After all, the kids of the neighbors-from-heck are sometimes nice people, and not everybody cares all that much how nice their in-laws are, as long as the person they're marrying is great.

(and, bonus, if the in-laws are jerks, you get your kid for holidays Wink

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Nope your kid gets to go to those jerks, and share all their special occasions and happy times with them.
Also, when asking shidduch info it’s important to read between the lines, and ask again if something sounds intense- so call another neighbor and ask specific questions- are they easygoing? Are they friendly? Generous with their space? And hear if this is a one off quirk or part of a pattern...

Signed- married a prince from difficult parents and have been to hell and back. It was worth it but not advisable. Ask, and if you’re dating someone with difficult family, date for long- ask pointed questions and make sure to have guidance.

Frumme

Fri, Jun 26 2020, 5:47 pm

iyar wrote:

There's no reason to assume a BT has negative middos, AND no reason to even think their parents have negative middos. We value Shmiras Shabbos and people being Shomrei Torah u'Mitzvos, but people who are unobservant often have wonderful refined middos. I know some personally. (I always think it's their real pintele Yid coming through, but really I'm not in a position to decide where anyone's middos are coming from.)

I am a BT. My husband is a BT. I'm not assuming BTs have bad middos or that their parents do. However, unfortunately many people assume BTs have negative middos associated with growing up not frum, and automatically will not let their kids date BTs. When I was getting married, my mesader kiddushin asked me if I was a besula by asking if I had "grown up frum." I didn't understand the euphemism, but apparently it's assumed that if you didn't "grow up frum," you must not be a besula. ( Rolling Eyes

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