Easy, Non-Preachy Kiruv ideas

amother

Fri, Jun 26 2020, 9:28 am

Hi All,
I am hoping someone has some ideas for us. Last night my DD 19 came to me for ideas and I had none, so I am turning to all of you.
Her non-frum (not yet frum) friend, who has been to us for Project Shabbat.... is coming to our back yard for a SD play date, with masks. My DD would like to do some Shabbosy, non-preachy, things with her to make feel the love of Shabbos and Torah/Judaism, without making her feel like this is being thrusted on her, as they are regular friends, not NCSY learning partners.
DDs only idea so far is to take some of my challah dough to the back yard and braid it there and her friend can bring it home and bake there.
Thank you for any idea that would be for college girls that they can do 6+ feet away, and in my backyard/outdoors.

(I am seeking ideas to assist my DD with Kiruv per her request. Please keep it to the task at hand and let's not debate whether or not she should be friends with a non-frum girl or whether 6 feet in my yard is not SD enough and killing people or if We are neurotic and crazy sheep who should just let her in my house)

FranticFrummie

Fri, Jun 26 2020, 9:36 am

Food is always a good way to reach a teenager!

Singing songs is good, too. Try to teach her some songs from frum summer camps or BY shabbatons.

It's very smart to keep things light. The only way you can reach someone that age is to make everything fun. Check out the NCSY website, and see if they have any ideas for you.

Remember, even if you think that things are not sinking in, and the girl doesn't show interest in becoming more frum now, you've given her very happy memories. You never know if a year or two from now, or when she gets married, or has her first baby, if she'll think back and decide to become more religious. You are the pebble in the pond, and you never know where those ripples will end up.

You are so awesome!

Success10

Fri, Jun 26 2020, 9:40 am

First of all, kol hakavod to you and dd.
Secondly, my gut tells me she shouldn't have anything "prepared". Your daughter is a friend, not a mentor, and the girl is just coming to hang out, and I think that's exactly what they should do. Just chill in the backyard, maybe you have a pingpong table? I think your daughter's role here is to just be relaxed, be herself, and make a good impression of religious Jews.

amother

Tangerine

Fri, Jun 26 2020, 9:43 am

I think they should just hang out. Leave the windows open in the house and she will hear the Shabbos prep. As DD talks about her life, things will naturally come up. The NCSY and other kiruv websites are good for being prepared for questions, etc, so they are definitely good to look at. But above all, building the friendship is good. Eventually, the friend will be able to be in the house and help out with things. If there is an outdoor prep for Shabbos task, she can help too if she likes.

Elfrida

Fri, Jun 26 2020, 9:43 am

As I was reading this I also thought of challa, because really there is not much Shabbos preparation that is fun and can be done out of doors. But why limit yourself to just braiding the dough?

If you prepare it carefully, they can make challa from scratch out of doors. Think it through carefully, and bring out all of the ingredients and equipment. They can mix the dough and knead it, then chat and maybe have something to eat while it rises. Then they could braid and egg wash it, and your daughter could bring it inside to bake. Assuming you make enough, she can also take challa, with a two sentence explanation of what she is doing. If the friend asks questions she can say more. If not, just let it pass. If the friend wants to wait long enough, give her a loaf to take home. New baked bread always smells and tastes wonderful, and if she keeps it for Shabbos even better!

Making the whole thing would feel much more involved than just helping to braid. Along the way your daughter can explain why we have two loaves at each Shabbos meal - but keep it to a matter if fact explanation, with a non-judgemental atmosphere. If the friend wants to know more, she can ask.

amother

Natural

Fri, Jun 26 2020, 9:48 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I think a big thing is to show you how “normal” and human you are. Show her that you and your family are fallible.

When I was becoming frum, the people who “succeeded” with me did just this. The people with their pristine clean floors, white cabinets and perfect looking/well-behaved kids didn’t do this for me because I viewed it as unattainable. The people who did it for me were the Chabad Rabbi who told everyone about his wild drunken exploits in College (ok maybe don’t do this with a 19-year old, I was much older lol); the mom who on a hot day took off her hair covering when she was sure it was just women/girls in the house for relief; the people whose kids behaved like normal kids/siblings in fight. Make jokes, and any secular references you are comfortable with. Let her know that becoming frum is possible when you are a “regular” person and that being frum doesn’t mean you are a perfect. Hatzlacha!

You don’t need to sell Shabbos - the beauty of Shabbos sells itself if it is the right time for someone to be open to it.

Frumme

Fri, Jun 26 2020, 10:13 am

I agree that DD should relax a little-- anything too "prepared" will probably come off as preachy. She should just act the way she generally does on erev shabbos. Challah like someone said above is a good idea, or maybe a shabbos treat (maybe they can roll out rugelach/babka dough together). Alternatively, maybe you could set up a screen outside for them to watch something together (not sure of your level in this regard but there are kosher movies that both girls might like, like the Wedding Plan).

If DD wants, at the very end of their "playdate" (strange term to use for college age kids but I'll roll with it), she could give her a small organza bag with two tealights and tell her the candlelighting time. Not too preachy since many non-frum women will light candles if they remember/candles are easily available to them, which is one reason why handing out candles for Chabad mivtzoim is so successful.

Honestly, your DD being a good role model and a good person will affect her friend the most. Years from now, the friend isn't going to remember the exact words they share, but she is going to remember the way they were said and how they made her feel.

amother

Fri, Jun 26 2020, 10:14 am

Thank you all! They are already good friends and got take-out and hung out in the park this week. That is when they were talking about her not-Jewish boyfriend and my daughter felt the need to start brainstorming.
They are friends from an Israel advocacy group.
FF, I love how you said From BY shabbatons. It made me laugh just because she has never been on one and it is so far from how she identifies. Think hard core Beni Aviva. (She is much more likely to marry a farmer in the Gush than a Kollel boy.) -Not that the songs are probably so different.

Tangerine, that is a great idea! I was checking-out Project Inspire, but NCSY's website is a great idea.

Elfrida, That would be great to have them bake from scratch, but I know these two girls. Let's just say they have many fine qualities. Last year they tried to bake Hamentahen from scratch in my kitchen and I was around - we can politely call it an epic fail.

Thank you all again!
Keep the ideas coming.

Ora in town

Fri, Jun 26 2020, 10:36 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Singing smires could be very impressive... or a kumsitz with singing (only women)...

A nice, structured but relaxed meal... with zmirot, divrei torah that require no previous knowledge and that are not shocking to non-religious sensitivies, chassidishe maysses...

Otherwise I don't think you need to do anything in particular...

Not so long ago my friend had a non-shomer shabbat guest (mid-twenties), she brought her home from shul, and in the afternoon we went for a walk, suddenly she says: "I didn't know I could be without my cellphone for so long"

So you don't need to do anything per se... Just have a nice shabbes seude, where she feels at ease... with nice conversations that are not boring or out of the world to her... and perhaps other guests she can relate to... good conversation goes a long way!

Last edited by Ora in town on Fri, Jun 26 2020, 10:40 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Fri, Jun 26 2020, 10:37 am

Natural, no need to worry about my house being too pristine. Here we strive for homey and real. Just don't let my MIL come over without sufficient notice and when she does, don't open the closet 😊.
Frumme, that was a great movie!
BTW those Chabad Shabbos candles saved me this winter. I was in Israel visiting DD in Sem. and we were at an AirBnB for Shabbos, and Friday afternoon, I realized I needed candles and started to get nervous about where to buy. (DH is the responsible party in our house, he sets them up for me every week and I just show up at my lichter and they are there. I was in Israel without him, he was home with the rest of the family). As we were trying to figure it out, a Chabad women walks over and handed me some! It was SOOO min Hashamayim.