Should I encourage playdayes If child doesn't want?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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amother

Sat, Jun 27 2020, 11:39 pm

Here's the background:
I had a hard time socially. I am an introvert, the oldest in my family so no siblings to learn skills/break into social circles, and had a dysfunctional and socially off mother who never tried helping me make friends and was very embarassing so I never brought anyone home. I also had low self esteem. Eventually I built myself up and made a few lifelong friends.

Now I have children. The cutest sweetest children. My oldest is 6. He is a bit of an introvert- has a smart, funny personality but is happy to play Lego, watch movies, read, play board games, be wild with his siblings, have family time etc.I often ask him if he wants to play with a friend and he usually tells me no, he wants to play with his brother at home.
How much should I push him, if at all?
He does play nicely in school, and about once a week or every other a neighbor will knock on the door to play...the rest of the time we would have to imitate the play date but he's not so interested.
(He prefers to only play at our house but his friends don't necessarily want that. He does better one on one, but where we live it's usually a bunch of boys end up playing together...)

amother

Coral

Sat, Jun 27 2020, 11:54 pm

My 11 daughter is just like this, she hardly ever initiates playing with friends.. she’s much happier at home with her siblings...even when her friends come over she’s not too happy, now her friends are starting to ask her why she’s not happy when they come... is this ok behavior??

nchr

Sat, Jun 27 2020, 11:58 pm

I personally discourage playdates. A child enrolled in school experiences enough social interaction IMO. If the teacher isn't suggesting uou initiate playdates leave it alone.

amother

Navy

Sun, Jun 28 2020, 12:02 am

If the child is against it, then I'd say no.

But if the child is merely ambivalent (sounds like your child), then I'd say you should make it low key but keep planning them. Don't tell the kids that something is wrong with them ("you aren't social enough!") but just be like "oh btw I invited Eitan over to play this afternoon". After the playdate ask the son "Did you have fun with Eitan?". If yes then keep initiating yourself, because it sounds good for him.even if he doesn't initiate.

Stars

Sun, Jun 28 2020, 12:04 am

No! What for?

amother

Coral

Sun, Jun 28 2020, 12:25 am

So what do you do when “Eitan” comes over and your kid is not happy to see them and shows it?

ShishKabob

Sun, Jun 28 2020, 12:50 am

I would not encourage it. Is it written in a parenting book that I missed out on? You seem to be very aware of your child and are willing to help them with whatever it takes. You will not be your mother! Don't worry!

amother

Brown

Sun, Jun 28 2020, 1:26 am

One of my DDs used to keep declining play dates with a neighbor. I thought she was being anti-social. I would push her. Later I found out she was not treated nicely by the other girl (babysitter who was uninvolved amdvthe other girl would always decide the game and when they were done make mine clean up because it was her house so she was in charge. At my house, I heard her tell my DD to clean up alone because she was the guest. ...) I have learned to trust DDs judgement and follow her lead.

amother

Navy

Sun, Jun 28 2020, 7:25 am

amother [ Coral ] wrote:

So what do you do when “Eitan” comes over and your kid is not happy to see them and shows it?

If my son didn't like it, I would stop inviting. I'd try a different kid if possible, if not, leave him alone.

Like someone else said, it might not be that the child is anti-social, it might be that the playdate is a little jerk and is just good at hiding it from adults.

Ora in town

Sun, Jun 28 2020, 7:32 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Should I encourage playdates if the child does not want.

Encourage yes. Push: absolutely not. Force: Never.

The idea is that the children should learn to develop their social life. So I don't think it's helpful when mothers meddle one way or the other...

Encourage playdates: have a nice atmosphare at home so that children won't be ashamed of bringing friends, treat the friends nicely, drive children when they want to see a friend...

But not: invite "friends" in their place, force them to be friends with your friend's children, initiate playdates when children feel no need...

amother

Sun, Jun 28 2020, 10:56 am

Thanks. Y'all have given me a lot of foo d for thought

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