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-> Interesting Discussions
sequoia
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 Mon, Jun 29 2020, 7:08 am
Ewwww
No means no
No justification
No being polite
No sparing his feelings
Women are socialized to avoid being rude. That is dangerous.
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Rappel
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Mon, Jun 29 2020, 7:43 am
It sounds like you're at least 10 years older than him.  Fear not - you did the right thing, for you and for him.
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zaq
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Mon, Jun 29 2020, 8:27 am
| amother [ Ecru ] wrote: | I dated someone for a while with an even larger age gap and no, you did nothing wrong. The fact that he kept messaging you after you ignored him is creepy. I'd just block him.
Zaq, I met DH on a dating site and it's not the culture there that you have to or even should be responding to every stranger who messages you to express interest. It's understood that a message is an invitation to engage in conversation, but women can get tens of these weekly, have no idea who the person on the other side is, and if there's any reason they don't feel like responding, it's not considered "rude" to ignore in online dating etiquette.
Many men are just sending out generic "hey"s to hundreds of women. These messages don't warrant responses and I don't think most would even appreciate a response that was like, "hey, thanks for reaching out, I'm not interested." It's a given when someone doesn't respond that they aren't interested, and most men don't send follow ups. |
Aha. Thanks for the explanation. In that case, OP, I apologize: you weren't rude--that man was. Don't those sites have features that let you block people who bombard you with unwanted messages?
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amother
Brunette
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Mon, Jun 29 2020, 8:40 am
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Don"t get into a conversation with him. Just keep ignoring eventually he'll get the message. A lot of men think they are entitled to someone much younger and won't even meet someone their own age.
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zaq
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Mon, Jun 29 2020, 9:46 am
| amother [ Brunette ] wrote: | | Don"t get into a conversation with him. Just keep ignoring eventually he'll get the message. A lot of men think they are entitled to someone much younger and won't even meet someone their own age. |
His age is irrelevant. OP's real issue is not that she was being pestered by someone she thinks is too old. He could have just as well been someone she considered too young, educated, goodlooking, frum or rich, or someone she thought wasn't young, educated, frum, goodlooking or rich enough. She could have not liked his eye color, for that matter. Her real issue is that she was being pestered by someone she wasn't interested in. She doesn't have to justify her lack of interest.
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amother
OP
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Mon, Jun 29 2020, 11:11 am
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I've not replied again but received 'a wonderful day' from him this morning and another msg now. I'm not even opening the e mail (even though im curious).....
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icebreaker
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Mon, Jun 29 2020, 11:18 am
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Not wrong at all. He sounds creepy.
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BH Yom Yom
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Mon, Jun 29 2020, 11:22 am
What someone said upthread - can you block him? Or contact the people who run the dating site and let them know that another person keeps bothering you and ask them to disable his ability to contact you?
You are important and your preferences and needs matter!
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amother
Amethyst
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Mon, Jun 29 2020, 11:24 am
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Every single dating site has a blocking option. Without exception. Utilize it.
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amother
OP
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Mon, Jun 29 2020, 12:14 pm
| amother [ Amethyst ] wrote: | | Every single dating site has a blocking option. Without exception. Utilize it. |
Looked for it and couldn't find. (Am not terribly techno minded)
Now he saw I read the msg which wished me good afternoon 
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amother
Amethyst
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Mon, Jun 29 2020, 12:17 pm
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Ask a friend to help you find the blocking option. It's not hard.
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imasoftov
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Mon, Jun 29 2020, 12:25 pm
| amother [ Amethyst ] wrote: | | Ask a friend to help you find the blocking option. It's not hard. |
Or look for the site's support feature and ask how to block a user.
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walkingalong
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Mon, Jun 29 2020, 4:10 pm
Block and report him.
There are some men on frum dating sites lying about their age by about 10-YEARS who can be very creepy and nasty to women who reject them. One in particular told someone that his ruv advised him to lie in order to help him find a woman of reproductive age...
I never respond them them anymore after getting abusive and threatening messages from men, especially the ones telling me that I will die alone because I rejected them.
Okay, I will be single another 7-years and never have the chance to have children from my own womb. Better than that that another abusive marriage though.
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SixOfWands
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Mon, Jun 29 2020, 4:20 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | I hAve numerous messages from him and he even payed for me to enable me to read them as some I need to pay for abd I didnt bother. I have a few other msgs from people too which I didnt respond to. After all I dont have to respond to everyone's message if im not interested. I don't just chat to men stam.
He happens to live local that's why its more freaky.
And I truly felt he is nagging me by sending messages...so I replied to sort of explain my lack of replying which he wasn't able to accept. |
I don't think that he did anything wrong or creepy. He liked your profile. He knows you're local. He gave it the old college try.
You didn't do anything wrong either. You don't have to be interested in anyone you're not interested in. You politely told him no when he didn't get the message otherwise.
Just block him and be done with it.
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amother
Ginger
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Mon, Jun 29 2020, 4:22 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | Someone messaged me on a dating website and I kept taking no notice as I think a 12 year gap is far too big.
I replied eventually as I kept getting more messages and I would like him to stop. So I replied politely that I don't think we are a match as I Am quite a bit younger than him.
His reply was like, ' I am much younger at heart, please reconsider and don't just throw me away'. I was quite taken aback to receive such a reply from someone who I have never spoken to, who it seems to me felt I need to give him a chance.
Did I do something wrong by saying I don't want someone 12 years older? Was it offensive? |
No you’re not wrong. I agree and have the same happen to me regularly. I wrote on the site than I’m looking for someone up to 5 years older but I keep getting people Much, much older respond
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ora_43
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Mon, Jun 29 2020, 4:23 pm
| zaq wrote: | | His age is irrelevant. OP's real issue is not that she was being pestered by someone she thinks is too old. He could have just as well been someone she considered too young, educated, goodlooking, frum or rich, or someone she thought wasn't young, educated, frum, goodlooking or rich enough. She could have not liked his eye color, for that matter. Her real issue is that she was being pestered by someone she wasn't interested in. She doesn't have to justify her lack of interest. |
It's not that his age affects how OP should respond. It's just that it's a whole, known phenomenon, and knowing that might make OP feel better. She's not the one young woman not 'open minded' enough to give an older guy a chance; she's one of hundreds of women her age being hit on by some creep who thinks much-younger women owe him dates. And if he really valued 'young at heart,' he'd be looking at youthful-feeling women his own age, not insisting on actual youth...
Once you notice the hypocrisy, it gets easier to shut down the "oh no, maybe I'm being mean" inner voice that guys like this deliberately trigger.
(eta: the creepy part is the part where he messaged multiple times (silence is equivalent to 'no' on a dating site, and he ignored it), and tried to guilt-trip her for preferring men her own age. Plus, of course, ignoring a crystal-clear, flat-out 'no.' Trying for a date isn't creepy in and of itself, it's the rest that's a problem.)
Last edited by ora_43 on Mon, Jun 29 2020, 4:28 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Ginger
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Mon, Jun 29 2020, 4:24 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | I've not replied again but received 'a wonderful day' from him this morning and another msg now. I'm not even opening the e mail (even though im curious)..... |
Report him to the site administrator
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Bubby6
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Mon, Jun 29 2020, 4:32 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | Looked for it and couldn't find. (Am not terribly techno minded)
Now he saw I read the msg which wished me good afternoon |
Seems like he thinks he has a conversation going with you. I don't like this and the fact that he is local.
Watch out for yourself
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sequoia
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Mon, Jun 29 2020, 6:22 pm
Block and report.
Stalking is not okay.
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FranticFrummie
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Tue, Jun 30 2020, 6:39 am
^^^^^THIS^^^^^
I can see the red flags waving from all the way over here. Please be careful. Listen to your gut.
There are few things in this world more dangerous than a man who feels entitled, and then feels rejected.
I was stalked all through high school by a boy. My mom kept telling me "Be nice to him. He's just lonely. You should be polite." etc. I dreaded school, and I dreaded opening my locker, wondering what note he would put in there that day. She even tried to pressure me into going to the prom with him, out of pity! (or maybe she thought I couldn't do better, who knows.)
If you haven't already, buy a copy of "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin deBecker. It changed my life, and gave me permission to have healthy boundaries that I wasn't afraid to use.
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