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Should I have done something differently???
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jun 30 2020, 7:20 am
Hi,

I've been thinking abt this for a while, and would love to hear all and any opinions.

I got married 4 years ago, the first in my circle of friends. Before my marriage, I was very close to one friend, and we were involved in lots of things together.

Then I got married and moved far away. But since I was the first to get married, my friend didnt realise the nuances. She continued texting me and calling me as often as before and seemed to expect instant responses. I remember once, I was married maybe 4 weeks and she called me at 11pm. Naturally I was in unavailable then, but she kept calling and calling.

She seemed not to realise that as a young wife, I honestly just did not have as much time in my life for her as previously. But pls dont think she's socially off, she really isnt! I was just the first to get married.

As time went on, we started losing touch. I was busy getting to know my new husband, and then after a few months BH I got busy with a complicated pregnancy, and I kind of couldnt really share those parts of my life with her, and being a newlywed, those were the main parts of my life.
And I also found it hard to relate to her life, the camp she was going to, her job, trips with friends. (Maybe I felt a tiny twinge of jealousy, because I wasnt able to do the stuff she could, camp, trips etc. BH, I was so grateful to be married, and I just wanted to appreciate that which I had, without hearing all that was going on in her life, which I couldnt relate to anymore)

Anyway, so we really lost touch, til recently when she called me up to tell me that she was really hurt that I dropped her after I got married.

I just apologised very sincerely without giving any excuses. She was REALLY hurt.

I just want to hear other opinions, what else could I have done? Thinking back now, I honestly did not have time to talk to her, the amount she wanted, like she was used to. And also, BH my life took a very different turn to hers (she is still single) and the things going on in my life, I couldnt talk to her about.

Dh says that when she gets married she'll realise more, and how inapropriate it is to call a newlywed late at night, but I say the IYH when she gets married, her friends are all older now and have more married friends, and will know more what is regular.

So, do you think I should've done anything differently? It's all sitting on my head right now...
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singleagain




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 30 2020, 7:34 am
The only thing I can think of. Is did you ever try to explain to your friend how your married life is different than your single life? That you have responsibility to another person and if your sitting eating dinner with them it's rude to pick up your phone etc.
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Success10




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 30 2020, 7:43 am
Your friend seems pretty self-absorbed. But if you could have just explained to her, without naming specifics, that you aren't as available anymore. The part about no longer being able to relate to her, I don't know, a lot of married women maintain and close friendship with their single friends, but with boundaries, which your friend might not understand, and I don't think it would have helped to explain to her.
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Tue, Jun 30 2020, 8:30 am
I'm not sure you could of done anything differently - that doesn't mean you shouldn't acknowledge her pain and express that the situation sucked.

My best friend got married 2 years before me, and another good friend 3 years before me - we still had a lot to bond over and talk about. One went through miscarriages and a really hard pregnancy. I didn't hear about these till after they happened but she still shared with me. Shared with my how she felt angry at God and wanted to kill herself.

I shared how I felt no one in the world would marry me and I felt so alone at times.

Just because we didn't have those exact struggles as each other doesn't mean you can't share and bond.

The boundaries thing is a struggle for many, perhaps she needed more reminders.

If you were close once and you really care for her I would try to rekindle the connection. There's no point to ask yourself what you could of differently, ask yourself what you want to do NOW.
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Learning




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 30 2020, 1:13 pm
Did you try to feel her pain as being single at a later age. It’s never too late. Try to think what will make her happy and try to tell her or give her. Btw the most important thing is to ask around including your Dh friends and family for a shiduch for her. Having said all of this I’m not blaming you for anything. Life took you in different directions and it’s only natural that you grew apart.
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amother
Yellow


 

Post Tue, Jun 30 2020, 1:20 pm
I was the last of my friends to get married at a whopping 24.

I was dropped by all of my married friends. They used to call me at all hours of the night and then voila it stopped. I naturally knew once a friend got engaged to also draw back a little.
I think its quite pathetic but thats the way the system works.

On the other hand, I have more modern friends who knew how to handle the adjustment, if I called at a bad time they would text back "hi, lets chat tomorrow" or if they called me at a bad time I would say the same back. Being married doesn't negate that single people lead very fulfilling and hectic lives too.

I do feel that a single friend should be aware of more boundaries. I knew not to call friends at a certain time. But I found it ridiculous that sometimes my friends would call me when their husbands weren't home, we'd be in the middle of a conversation and all of a sudden "k I gtg my husband just walked in byeeee!!" often when I was mid sentence. Married people also need to learn tact. A person in this situation could have said "Im sorry to cut this short but something came up, lets continue this tomorrow." Did I have to make my single friend uncomfortable because she doesn't have a husband coming home? No. She understands that my husband just walked in, but I dont need to verbalize it.

What is in the past is in the past. You have the chance ow to rectify a wrong that was done. She was hurt by a lack of sensitivity. She is older, and alone and single. I can't imagine her pain. Focus on how you can remediate your relationship now

Also Im not really understand why its inappropriate to call a married friend late at night? Arent your phones on silent at night? Lol just dont pick up? Dont see why it makes her a nebach. Most people are free at nights.

Btw I am yeshivish and understand the sensitivities of private time with spouse. Our phones are on silent but I still dont ignore my friends if they call? If its a bad time I just say Ill call you tomorrow. Not sucha big deal
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amother
Blue


 

Post Tue, Jun 30 2020, 1:26 pm
amother [ Yellow ] wrote:
I was the last of my friends to get married at a whopping 24.

I was dropped by all of my married friends. They used to call me at all hours of the night and then voila it stopped. I naturally knew once a friend got engaged to also draw back a little.
I think its quite pathetic but thats the way the system works.

On the other hand, I have more modern friends who knew how to handle the adjustment, if I called at a bad time they would text back "hi, lets chat tomorrow" or if they called me at a bad time I would say the same back. Being married doesn't negate that single people lead very fulfilling and hectic lives too.

I do feel that a single friend should be aware of more boundaries. I knew not to call friends at a certain time. But I found it ridiculous that sometimes my friends would call me when their husbands weren't home, we'd be in the middle of a conversation and all of a sudden "k I gtg my husband just walked in byeeee!!" often when I was mid sentence. Married people also need to learn tact. A person in this situation could have said "Im sorry to cut this short but something came up, lets continue this tomorrow." Did I have to make my single friend uncomfortable because she doesn't have a husband coming home? No. She understands that my husband just walked in, but I dont need to verbalize it.

What is in the past is in the past. You have the chance ow to rectify a wrong that was done. She was hurt by a lack of sensitivity. She is older, and alone and single. I can't imagine her pain. Focus on how you can remediate your relationship now

Also Im not really understand why its inappropriate to call a married friend late at night? Arent your phones on silent at night? Lol just dont pick up? Dont see why it makes her a nebach. Most people are free at nights.

Btw I am yeshivish and understand the sensitivities of private time with spouse. Our phones are on silent but I still dont ignore my friends if they call? If its a bad time I just say Ill call you tomorrow. Not sucha big deal


This.
Beautifully stated.
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Tue, Jun 30 2020, 1:31 pm
amother [ Yellow ] wrote:


Also Im not really understand why its inappropriate to call a married friend late at night? Arent your phones on silent at night? Lol just dont pick up? Dont see why it makes her a nebach. Most people are free at nights.

Btw I am yeshivish and understand the sensitivities of private time with spouse. Our phones are on silent but I still dont ignore my friends if they call? If its a bad time I just say Ill call you tomorrow. Not sucha big deal


This! I have to remind me friends they can still call me. I remind them that just because they call I'm not necessarily going to answer, I can ignore it. I'll call or text them the next day or later.
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amother
Yellow


 

Post Tue, Jun 30 2020, 1:34 pm
I just want to add that I think the more right wing(ed? english isnt my first language sorry!) societies place married people on a pedestal and look down at singles so they're automatically looked at as needy when they want to maintain relationships with their married friends. Of course life changes, new circumstances come up, but I keep reading on this website that married people can't relate to their friends. There are other things to talk about besides what I make for dinner and what my kids are wearing. One of my friends got engaged recently and she called me to thank me for not treating her differently when I got married unlike our other friends. I'm not tooting my own horn, but come on. You can find common topics and interests to talk about
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amother
Taupe


 

Post Tue, Jun 30 2020, 1:37 pm
Re putting your phone on silent. One of my pet peeves are people calling/texting late at night because they assume your phone is on silent. I had a very ill family member, and couldn't turn my phone off in case there was an emergency. Even someone texting in the middle of the night you still hear the vibration. I urge people to be more considerate in this regard. Vent over.
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amother
Coral


 

Post Tue, Jun 30 2020, 1:41 pm
It’s definitely a tricky situation to navigate. I’ve been on both ends of it. I was part of a friends group with 3 other girls and we were all really close. The first one got married several years before me and kind of “fell off the face of the planet.” She used to ALWAYS call me on my birthday and she even remembered to call me a week before her wedding when it was my bday but a year later she forgot and I remember being so insulted and sad because I felt like she had really forgotten me. (Since then she always calls on my bday 😊) But I’m not really the type that holds on to these “grudges” and I still wanted to be her friend. But I felt like when we did talk on the phone (not that often) it would feel awkward like we didn’t know what to say to each other or talk about and it just didn’t feel like old times. My other two friends in this group felt pretty similar to me-like our relationships with this married friend had really changed.

Then a couple years later I got married and my other two friends were still single. I bH talk to them pretty often and they always say how they’re so happy we’re still good friends and it doesn’t feel like things changed. I really try hard to be “normal” with them (plus my husband and I are always looking out for them with shidduchim so that puts us in touch with them.) We don’t live in the same city but we make an effort to see each other and hang out a few times a year. Now when I talk to my married friend (the one mentioned above) it feels much easier to talk to her since I’m married because we have much more in common now. (Although I have to say I find it so hard that most of the issues that press down on my the hardest are the ones I can’t talk about due to tznius and privacy and I find that hard because I really value my close friendships.) I know that my 2 single friends still struggle with their friendship with our married friend and sometimes I feel like I’m in the middle of it. I almost feel like my 2 single friends have given up on being close with the married one and now my married friend is trying to strengthen those relationships and she feels like they’re blowing her off. I don’t want to “betray” them by saying that they’re probably hurt from the early years when she didn’t really “try” hard enough but I think that’s what it is.

I really try to be sensitive to my single friends because I know what its like on the other side and I make an extra effort to return/answer calls when I can and text them funny random things etc. I don’t want them to ever feel weird or different about me just because I’m married. Also I think it helps that when they are visiting my husband is “normal” with them and they feel like they’ve gotten to know him. (Like he’ll text them directly with shidduch ideas every so often).

I remember in the years before I got married when the wider friends group would get together and the married ones would say things like “I can’t believe I’ve been married for x amount of years” etc I was surprised at the lack of sensitivity towards me but I didn’t let it get to me.

OP-I don’t know if any of that was helpful but I wanted to share my experiences. Is it possible you could have done things differently? Maybe. Like maybe you could have made a little bit more of an effort to try to call her when you were available or at least text every so often. But I get how hard it is to keep up with everything as newly wed, pregnant etc.

I would say to try to work on this relationship you should apologize and let her know how much you value your friendship and how sorry you are that you hurt her and you really want to work on it and be in touch with her more often etc. (if you want to improve the relationship.)

Hugs and hatzlacha!
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singleagain




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 30 2020, 1:49 pm
amother [ Taupe ] wrote:
Re putting your phone on silent. One of my pet peeves are people calling/texting late at night because they assume your phone is on silent. I had a very ill family member, and couldn't turn my phone off in case there was an emergency. Even someone texting in the middle of the night you still hear the vibration. I urge people to be more considerate in this regard. Vent over.


You can silence your phone expect for certain numbers. Yo can have them ring even when the phone is otherwise on do not disturb
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amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Tue, Jun 30 2020, 1:50 pm
I have always failed to see why married women cannot share their married lives with single friends. I am married for ten years and one of my best friends continues to be a childhood friend who is still single. She was amazing before I got married and still is.
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Tue, Jun 30 2020, 1:53 pm
Deleted
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Tue, Jun 30 2020, 1:57 pm
You could have told her when it was a convenient time to talk and also made a real effort to call her regularly. BH you had a husband to share your life. It is a very hurtful for a single, who not only is struggling to find a bashert, but also for them not to have anyone to share their life with and to have all their friends drop them. Single life is lonely. Speaking as someone who got married a few years later than her friends and hasn't forgotten what it's like.

At this point though, I would just give a sincere apology and try to repair the relationship as best as you can.
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amother
Khaki


 

Post Tue, Jun 30 2020, 2:06 pm
I think you could have made more of an effort. Ok, she picked the wrong time to call. Would it really have been so hard to tell her when would be a better time? I never really understood the whole disappearing after getting married phenomenon, maybe because I was the first in my class and would have had zero friends if I'd done that, lol. After having a baby it's much more understandable to disappear for awhile (I certainly did) but how much does getting married really change your life? My husband and I still went to school/work, and had plenty of time for each other, taking a little time for friends once a week or so was not hard. Once the babies started coming, it was a different story, but just newlywed, not that much changed in our lives.
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Tue, Jun 30 2020, 2:11 pm
singleagain wrote:
You can silence your phone expect for certain numbers. Yo can have them ring even when the phone is otherwise on do not disturb


When there are emergency medical issues, this may not work. Often, the call will come in from a number at a hospital or from a Hatzalah worker's phone or a friend who was nearby the like. In fact, I am more likely to pick up the phone when there is a number I don't know, because of these possibilities.
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amother
Orange


 

Post Tue, Jun 30 2020, 8:40 pm
amother [ Yellow ] wrote:
I was the last of my friends to get married at a whopping 24.

I was dropped by all of my married friends. They used to call me at all hours of the night and then voila it stopped. I naturally knew once a friend got engaged to also draw back a little.
I think its quite pathetic but thats the way the system works.

On the other hand, I have more modern friends who knew how to handle the adjustment, if I called at a bad time they would text back "hi, lets chat tomorrow" or if they called me at a bad time I would say the same back. Being married doesn't negate that single people lead very fulfilling and hectic lives too.

I do feel that a single friend should be aware of more boundaries. I knew not to call friends at a certain time. But I found it ridiculous that sometimes my friends would call me when their husbands weren't home, we'd be in the middle of a conversation and all of a sudden "k I gtg my husband just walked in byeeee!!" often when I was mid sentence. Married people also need to learn tact. A person in this situation could have said "Im sorry to cut this short but something came up, lets continue this tomorrow." Did I have to make my single friend uncomfortable because she doesn't have a husband coming home? No. She understands that my husband just walked in, but I dont need to verbalize it.

What is in the past is in the past. You have the chance ow to rectify a wrong that was done. She was hurt by a lack of sensitivity. She is older, and alone and single. I can't imagine her pain. Focus on how you can remediate your relationship now

Also Im not really understand why its inappropriate to call a married friend late at night? Arent your phones on silent at night? Lol just dont pick up? Dont see why it makes her a nebach. Most people are free at nights.

Btw I am yeshivish and understand the sensitivities of private time with spouse. Our phones are on silent but I still dont ignore my friends if they call? If its a bad time I just say Ill call you tomorrow. Not sucha big deal


So true! Couldn’t have said it better. Yes, married life is a BIG change but it doesn’t turn you into a completely different person. So now you have more relationships to balance, but that doesn’t mean completely dropping your friends.

If you remember not so long ago they were the ones there for you when you were dating (and listening to your kvetch about all your horrible dates and annoying suggestions) , celebrating with you when you got engaged and showing up to your wedding after spending A LOT of effort (and money!) physically and emotionally to be there for you.

We are in the 21st century and thank gd we have loads of ways to communicate that don’t interrupt your new schedule! Texting, WhatsApp, email or google hangouts to name a few! Send her that quick text (literally takes 5 seconds) or email- UPDATE her on your life! It doesn’t have to be such private info! What you made for supper, what new outfits you bought that season, ask how her day is going etc etc

Just because they are still single and you got married doesn’t mean you are now on two separate universes. Walking down the aisle doesn’t give you a special elevated “untouchable” status. (unfortunately society promotes that, but don’t want to derail this thread Rolling Eyes )

-talking from someone who unfortunately got dumped by 9/10 of her friends when single.
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tigerwife




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 30 2020, 9:23 pm
I never went through this transition with single and married friends. Nothing changed. We have more in common with each other than relationship status, although We would discuss being an older single/ marriage challenges/ kids. Then again, I wasn’t the type to speak to each friend several times a day. If you are constantly in contact, yeah, marriage will change that.
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amother
Seashell


 

Post Tue, Jun 30 2020, 9:52 pm
OP I have a really similar story, married 3 years with friend who is still single. We are not in touch at all and we used to be best friends. it's hard and I think of her all the time. I also wonder if I did something wrong. I think what happened with her is that she just was so hurt when I and a few other of her friends got married right away that she just cut off ties and didn't call anymore. and when we did speak it was just not the same and awkward...

It's a hard balance between keeping up with single friends and married life. I think it's also a personality. I had another friend who I spoke to super often and we really stayed very close when she was single till she BH got married 2.5 years after I did...
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