Spinoff- struggling but still supporting married kids learn?

amother

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 2:20 pm

If people are struggling, why support married kids who are learning? If someone has enough so support than why not, but if someone is struggling, why give a married child support? Why can't you explain to your children you're sorry but can't do it right now? So your child won't marry or be a learner? Is that so terrible? They can learn and work. Shidduchim are from Hashem, He can find a shidduch whether you offer support or not.

zaq

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 3:18 pm

While I'm with you all the way, as long as they're not asking me for a handout, it's really not my business. People are martyrs to their kids in other ways, too. But to answer your question, it's all about peer pressure.

Chayalle

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 3:25 pm

There are plenty of young women who marry learning boys and are working to support them, without much parental support, if any. The alternative to parental support does not automatically equal working. I'm not sure why you jump straight from no support to not being a learner or marrying one.

Signed, Kollel wife of over 20 years without parents financial support

SixOfWands

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 3:38 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Not my circus, not my monkeys. But:

(1) We all have to do our histadlus, not sit back and let Hashem take care of it all. So people believe that offering some level of support is histadlus.

(2) Some people do believe that its a basic to support learning kids. You wouldn't say "you're struggling, why not put her in Walmart jeans and tank tops." You wouldn't say "you're struggling, put your teen in public school" (although I might). For some people, supporting young marrieds is the same. My equivalent is supporting kids through college. We struggle to do it because we think its a basic level of support, while others may not.

amother

Purple

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 3:48 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Things have changed. Some parents won't take people seriously if the parents say, we can't help but dd has some savings and a decent (no, not 50K, sorry) job and this is enough for them to figure it out.

amother

Purple

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 3:49 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

This is very gracious of you.
Don't think I'm surprised.

Success10

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 3:49 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

I just want to say it was super open-minded of you to post this, to argue for a side of the issue that doesn't actually represent the way you do things.

Chayalle

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 3:51 pm

amother [ Purple ] wrote:

OK, so girls who are looking for learning boys without a ton of parental support won't marry the sons of these parents.

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 3:51 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You are 100% correct. Support should not be a given. And it should not be a stipulation to a good shidduch.
But it is. The system has many many flaws.

amother

Amethyst

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 6:02 pm

Chayalle wrote:

OK, so girls who are looking for learning boys without a ton of parental support won't marry the sons of these parents.

I agree. Surprisingly there are still girls who marry learning boys and are not being supported. It's not common, and I'm not sure I agree with it, but believe it or not it still happens.

amother

Purple

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 6:33 pm

amother [ Amethyst ] wrote:

I agree. Surprisingly there are still girls who marry learning boys and are not being supported. It's not common, and I'm not sure I agree with it, but believe it or not it still happens.

What don't you agree with?
I am sure many parents would love to support but aren't in a situation to. It's not hashkafa, it's just reality.

amother

Chartreuse

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 7:22 pm

amother [ Purple ] wrote:

I'm 23 and fully support my husband in kollel. BH my in laws took me seriously Smile

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 7:26 pm

amother [ Amethyst ] wrote:

I agree. Surprisingly there are still girls who marry learning boys and are not being supported. It's not common, and I'm not sure I agree with it, but believe it or not it still happens.

Why ever not? If a girl wants to live that lifestyle, why should it ever be assumed that her family must support the husband learning?
There are so many couples where the wife works and supports the couple fully. I think that is how it should be done. And how it was thought to be done many years ago. Supporting from the in laws is a new and not altogether fair, idea. Not everyone has that money and because of that some girls wont be redt shidduchim? Very unfair system.

amother

Brown

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 7:30 pm

amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:

I'm 23 and fully support my husband in kollel. BH my in laws took me seriously Smile

How many kids do you have and do you have in NY or NJ?

chestnut

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 7:33 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

A girl won't marry a learner??? A boy won't be learning???
Next thing you'll be asking people somethi g similarly outrageous, like, like, I don't even know what to equate such horrible ideas to!!!

/said tongue in cheek

amother

Gold

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 7:38 pm

amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:

I'm 23 and fully support my husband in kollel. BH my in laws took me seriously Smile

Im from lkwd married a boy from oot. When I was ur age I was also supporting my dh in kollel, hes since gone to school and now I support him in school. My inlaws are older and not part of thr support generation. My parents asked me if I needed support when I was engaged and I told them I had a lot of savings and then can save it for one of my 5+ younger sibs. I bh bought a house and live decently all these years. I am proud of what ive done bh

amother

Chartreuse

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 7:43 pm

amother [ Brown ] wrote:

How many kids do you have and do you have in NY or NJ?

I have 2 kids and live in NYC. But I know I don't represent the mainstream yeshivish world. I do however represent the Yeshiva community I am part of, as MANY of us support ourselves.

amother

Brown

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 7:47 pm

amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:

I have 2 kids and live in NYC. But I know I don't represent the mainstream yeshivish world. I do however represent the Yeshiva community I am part of, as MANY of us support ourselves.

This is very impressive and good for you!!
I can't imagine, however, having a job at 23 that could cover NYC rent (assuming in a frum neighborhood), kids' diapers/babysitters/daycare, food, bills, insurance, etc.

amother

Chartreuse

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 8:03 pm

amother [ Brown ] wrote:

*Not manhattan nyc but I didn't want to say which part of the city. Rent on average for a 1 bedroom is 15-1600 maybe 17-18 if its bigger and nicer.

A- we live in 1 bedrooms for a long time!
B- we have good jobs with degrees. (Computer programming, actuary, PA, NP, even regular nurses here do well, BCBA, nyc doe pays well for speech and special ed + insurance, many people go for specialized degrees at night) Yes there will always be teachers and their parents might be helping them. Most probably not with a check a month - more like they pay for stuff).
C- On my parents insurance...