Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Parenting our children
Is being controlling/manipulative genetic
1  2  Next



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 06 2020, 4:25 pm
Ex husband..and now seeing it in child. Is there anything I can do? Is this genetic?
Back to top

amother
Apricot


 

Post Mon, Jul 06 2020, 4:31 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Ex husband..and now seeing it in child. Is there anything I can do? Is this genetic?

It's not genetic, it's a learned behavior. If you have sole custody I would strongly suggest examining your own behavior to see where you are teaching your child to be controlling or manipulative. It is behavior that children pick up when they see it often and experience at least several days a week.
Back to top

ShishKabob




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 06 2020, 4:34 pm
amother [ Apricot ] wrote:
It's not genetic, it's a learned behavior. If you have sole custody I would strongly suggest examining your own behavior to see where you are teaching your child to be controlling or manipulative. It is behavior that children pick up when they see it often and experience at least several days a week.
I love this insight.
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 06 2020, 4:35 pm
amother [ Apricot ] wrote:
It's not genetic, it's a learned behavior. If you have sole custody I would strongly suggest examining your own behavior to see where you are teaching your child to be controlling or manipulative. It is behavior that children pick up when they see it often and experience at least several days a week.


I have shared custody but you are right I am very controlling and manipulative with my kids. I make him go to bed earlier then his friends bec he needs his sleep. I made him clean Friday for 7 minutes and withheld a treat if he didn't. I make him go to school every day (mostly). I am sure there is more. Will try to make a cheshbon hanefesh.
Back to top

#Happymom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 06 2020, 4:37 pm
I would also think that it is a learnt behaviour. Most times children will simply mimic how they see the adults around them behaving.
Although there is also the element of genetics at play here. Definitely some characteristics, we are born with. This leads to the nature/nurture debate☺☺
Back to top

amother
Apricot


 

Post Mon, Jul 06 2020, 4:38 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I have shared custody but you are right I am very controlling and manipulative with my kids. I make him go to bed earlier then his friends bec he needs his sleep. I made him clean Friday for 7 minutes and withheld a treat if he didn't. I make him go to school every day (mostly). I am sure there is more. Will try to make a cheshbon hanefesh.

You know that's not what I was referring to.

At the very least, take the time to think about it. Flippant dismissal of others, especially after specifically asking for advice, is not going to help your child.
Back to top

amother
Cyan


 

Post Mon, Jul 06 2020, 4:40 pm
Its both -- there can be a genetic component as there can be to much of personality. That said it doesn't really matter as the solution is the same regardless: find ways to encourage child's strengths and expand their flexibility. Ross Greene's books are excellent for this.
Also, try not to look at the child as "similar to X" even if true this usually does not help endear child to parent and can also be subconsciously triggering. Look for ways this child is like you, people you love, and just him or herself. (of course kids are of both and sometimes more like one than the other...) Please find an excellent mentor to help guide you in parenting a challenging child.

Hashem Made you this child's mother for a reason and you can find ways to bring out the best in the child IY"H.
hugs and hatzlocha
Back to top

ShishKabob




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 06 2020, 4:42 pm
amother [ Cyan ] wrote:
Its both -- there can be a genetic component as there can be to much of personality. That said it doesn't really matter as the solution is the same regardless: find ways to encourage child's strengths and expand their flexibility. Ross Greene's books are excellent for this.
hugs and hatzlocha
It seems it may be coming from both ends hence the strong genetic component.
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 06 2020, 4:44 pm
#Happymom wrote:
I would also think that it is a learnt behaviour. Most times children will simply mimic how they see the adults around them behaving.
Although there is also the element of genetics at play here. Definitely some characteristics, we are born with. This leads to the nature/nurture debate☺☺


I never thought it's a personality trait, like bring outgoing, intellectual, etc..that's my question.

Also for those who have raised children like this what is the best way to raise them. I Try not to panic when he behaves this way. The first thought that crosses my mind of course is "No way is he going to hurt some young woman one day the way his Daddy did to me" but would help if I would know how to respond. I often label his actions as bullying, controlling, model empathy, explain that the other kids get hurt etc..sometimes I ignore if I am not centered.
Back to top

amother
Apricot


 

Post Mon, Jul 06 2020, 4:45 pm
amother [ Cyan ] wrote:
Its both -- there can be a genetic component as there can be to much of personality. That said it doesn't really matter as the solution is the same regardless: find ways to encourage child's strengths and expand their flexibility. Ross Greene's books are excellent for this.
hugs and hatzlocha

The genetic component is a personality trait that could go either way, a tendency, not actually being controlling or manipulative.

And in general this kind of behavior has a lot more to do with the home environment than with genetics. But OP doesn't want to hear that, so I'll stop here.
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 06 2020, 4:46 pm
ShishKabob wrote:
It seems it may be coming from both ends hence the strong genetic component.


Thanks for the compliment. Keep th coming Smile
Back to top

amother
Apricot


 

Post Mon, Jul 06 2020, 4:46 pm
ShishKabob wrote:
It seems it may be coming from both ends hence the strong genetic component.

It's much more likely to "run in families" because the way we parent shapes our kids' personalities in a big way.
Back to top

amother
Cyan


 

Post Mon, Jul 06 2020, 4:46 pm
Good for you! That said I would not label negatives as that reinforces them. Don't know how old he is or what he is doing but would look at him as if I KNOW he will turn out to be a mensch. And act from that place. It gets easier. And "catch" him doing good and reinforce and label that! "You are such a helpful boy! You did such and such...Such a mensch!" This is what you want playing in his head and his identity. Because then this will outweigh anything else IY"H.

Does not really matter where it is coming from. Best to deal with what is, and guide him along the path you want for him to be a mensch.

Definitely tougher when dealing with an ex and divorced.

Much hatzlocha!
Back to top

amother
Denim


 

Post Mon, Jul 06 2020, 4:47 pm
Epigenetic. More than learned. Caused by brain inflammation, which is upstream from gut and immune system issues. Psychologically I’m going to guess its a form of ocd.
Back to top

lilies




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 06 2020, 4:48 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Ex husband..and now seeing it in child. Is there anything I can do? Is this genetic?


I think it's to be expected from a smart kid in an uncomfortable environment they can't control, and haven't learned the tools to help themselves.

Focus on your relationship with your kid, and work on some tools to deal with situations the kid needs help with.
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 06 2020, 4:48 pm
amother [ Cyan ] wrote:
Its both -- there can be a genetic component as there can be to much of personality. That said it doesn't really matter as the solution is the same regardless: find ways to encourage child's strengths and expand their flexibility. Ross Greene's books are excellent for this.
Also, try not to look at the child as "similar to X" even if true this usually does not help endear child to parent and can also be subconsciously triggering. Look for ways this child is like you, people you love, and just him or herself. (of course kids are of both and sometimes more like one than the other...) Please find an excellent mentor to help guide you in parenting a challenging child.

Hashem Made you this child's mother for a reason and you can find ways to bring out the best in the child IY"H.
hugs and hatzlocha


Thanks. Have read it. Was very helpful. You are right I am probably overreacting. I am in middle of reaching out to someone and also have guidance from someone else...
Back to top

amother
Apricot


 

Post Mon, Jul 06 2020, 4:49 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I never thought it's a personality trait, like bring outgoing, intellectual, etc..that's my question.

Also for those who have raised children like this what is the best way to raise them. I Try not to panic when he behaves this way. The first thought that crosses my mind of course is "No way is he going to hurt some young woman one day the way his Daddy did to me" but would help if I would know how to respond. I often label his actions as bullying, controlling, model empathy, explain that the other kids get hurt etc..sometimes I ignore if I am not centered.

You will need a good parenting counselor, and a good therapist for your child as well as yourself. You will also need to somehow get your ex on the same page as you so that you can work together to help your son.

Your labeling and associations are harmful to him and when you tell him these things you are placing way too much on his head. He is a kid and with your labels and predictions you are shaping his future.

It's not easy - it's in fact very very difficult - but you must get therapists for both yourself and your kids and work closely with a parenting counselor, if you want any chance at helping your son.

This isn't a personality trait, it's something that comes from how he is being raised. By both of you.

Good luck and may Hashem send you the right shlichim to help you help your child.
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 06 2020, 4:51 pm
lilies wrote:
I think it's to be expected from a smart kid in an uncomfortable environment they can't control, and haven't learned the tools to help themselves.

Focus on your relationship with your kid, and work on some tools to deal with situations the kid needs help with.


Thanks so much. Yes, that's what I do and could always do more of. My ex doesn't empathize and listen to his needs/wants. Can that be causing this behavior?
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 06 2020, 4:53 pm
amother [ Apricot ] wrote:
You will need a good parenting counselor, and a good therapist for your child as well as yourself. You will also need to somehow get your ex on the same page as you so that you can work together to help your son.

Your labeling and associations are harmful to him and when you tell him these things you are placing way too much on his head. He is a kid and with your labels and predictions you are shaping his future.

It's not easy - it's in fact very very difficult - but you must get therapists for both yourself and your kids and work closely with a parenting counselor, if you want any chance at helping your son.

This isn't a personality trait, it's something that comes from how he is being raised. By both of you.

Good luck and may Hashem send you the right shlichim to help you help your child.


Get my ex on the same page. Ha ha! Did you forget the controlling part. I'm just happy when he forgets to play games with me...
Back to top

amother
Maroon


 

Post Mon, Jul 06 2020, 4:54 pm
It's a bit genetic but You will make the difference !
You are educating your son ! don't do the mistakes your in law did with ex husband
Don't give him the education your husband had.
Maybe your mil was very lenient .She let him do everything he wanted.She let him talked the way he wanted...And maybe ,you do the same thing with your son!you have pity on him because he is the son of divorce....

I don't know your story ,but I believe on the כח of the mother!!!
Eissav and David hamelech had the same red hair ....one became the king and the other one...you can decide who you want your son to be!!
Go to parenting class.(for divorce mother's is even better)ask specialist on education, google...
And don't forget to pray!!!!(daven daven daven)
Back to top
Page 1 of 2 1  2  Next Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Over-controlling? 24 Sun, Jan 21 2024, 10:38 am View last post
Mothers of a child with a genetic disorder
by amother
48 Sun, May 14 2023, 12:10 pm View last post
Would you tell someone they’re being manipulative?
by amother
14 Sun, Apr 02 2023, 9:38 am View last post