Guidance for Teenager/ Tic-Tock app

amother

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 11:28 pm

My daughters in a frum yeshivish bais yakov type of high school. She has an iPad which has only apps that we allow and she can text with friends .... I told her I didn’t allow tick tock. Meanwhile her friends who come from great families Have that app. They watch some [gentile] doing dance moves to a non Jewish song and then sends it to my daughter to see. This has been going on for a while. My daughter can dance and do moves that You would see in a strip club maybe . My point is, these girls love dancing but even by me keeping my child away from this terrible app, her friends had it and brought it into my child’s life. I don’t know if any of you have teens that are obsessed with tic tocks, everywhere they go they’re videoing their dancing to some non jewish song. My daughter doesn’t even realize she walks around the house moving her hands all day as if doing a dance. I don’t know where to turn. I spoke with her friends mom and told her do you realize what this is doing to our kids neshama, we need to work together to try to get them off of it. Anyone who wants to tell me to take away her texting or iPad or to tell her she can’t watch her friends tick tocks - that won’t happen. I need guidance in how to go about this. Could anyone recommend someone I can talk to who deals with frum girls in high school and can guide me how to approach it with my child and explain how the music and moves are bringing her down.
Any other moms feel like they’re in the same situation?

giselle

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 11:38 pm

My kids have friends who have tik tok and I’m honestly shocked. The music is the least of it. Over the past few months, people have been posting lots of tik tok videos, so my husband and I downloaded it to check it out, and it’s not the kind of thing you can watch anywhere near kids. The school allows this to go on?

amother

Mon, Jul 06 2020, 11:43 pm

No. The school had a technology night and clearly spoke about the dangers and the stupid mothers who don’t think into it let their kids have it. And there’s no turning back once they have it. It’s just so upsetting and I know I need to be careful what I say or do or my kid will hide things from me, which I don’t want her to.

giselle

Tue, Jul 07 2020, 5:48 am

I feel like something has gone awry here, when schools are making parents sign that they don’t have internet access and their children have tik tok. I’ll be honest, I don’t sign it. My kids have filtered internet access and also know they are not allowed to have social media. I really believe that part of the problem is not giving kids the tools needed to deal with what exists out there, instead sticking their heads in the sand and having parents lie that their children don’t have access. Or restricting everything so that people are clueless about what is actually ok. There’s a huge range between allowing kids to have a filtered smart phone or iPod and going all the way and allowing everything. Then of course people are going to rant how bad these things are. Yes, if BY girls on tik tok, that’s bad. Children need to be taught how to use these things responsibly. When kids don’t feel too restricted, they are more easily and happily able to follow reasonable guidelines. My kids also know I trust them to follow the rules and therefore feel a sense of responsibility to uphold that trust. They completely understand why certain things are inappropriate and don’t even want it. (Although if all their friends did have it, I’d be facing a challenge, which is why I think it’s imperative that the schools address this head on.)

amother

Tue, Jul 07 2020, 6:00 am

This so why I gave my child acces with limits, she knows she can use my phone with filters and I’ve spoken to her about the dangers. The biggest danger I told her was posting your video for others to see and chatting with others. I had no idea her friends parents allowed them to make tik tock accounts and post their own videos. She kept telling me her friend has it and she’s private only people she allow can see. Meanwhile this girls got 1000 plus followers. Does every dance move there is and it’s filthy disgusting moves. And these are her close few friends , and they brought all this into my daughters life. I had no idea it was going on, I thought oh nice my daighter is finally having an it let, doing dances that her friends send her. Then one day I see she’s watching a video from her friend- it was a disgusting [gentile] dancing in the most provacative way. And this is what she’s memorizing, his dance moves! And she does it all day . And I’m treading here on thin ice, bec she made a few nice friends and sticks to those but now I see this is what they’re doing and I want to throw up. I think I haveto call each of their moms or email them a long letter and cry that they must help. The principal spoke to the girls this year and explicitly spoke abt tik tok and I know bec it was on zoom, and it went straight over my daughters head.

Success10

Tue, Jul 07 2020, 6:03 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I think whatever your strategy is, it should be working with your daughter, not the mothers of your daughter's friends.

essie14

Tue, Jul 07 2020, 6:27 am

We are not yeshivish and do not send to BY. My kids schools work with the technology, rather than forbidding it. They know all the kids have smartphones. they have classes that explain the dangers of things on social media , the kids know how to post responsibly.

amother

Tue, Jul 07 2020, 6:31 am

I’m not looking to speak lashing hora of any school just trying to find guidance. A school that knows what’s going on in the world and doesn’t pretend it’s not going on.
The type of girl my daughter is , if it comes from me it won’t help she will freak out that all her friends have it...... and start to hide her text and things, that’s why I think I need the other moms on board. But who knows. I’ve already tried to explain to my daughter how it’s not good for her and why... but she doesn’t care or get it

LovesHashem

Tue, Jul 07 2020, 6:56 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Sounds like a normal teen.
Most schools don't want to deal with these issues and push it under the rug.

amother

Vermilion

Tue, Jul 07 2020, 7:13 am

tik tok is a major issue. I teach in a frum girls school and felt like I was telling them to stop dancing all day. Maybe see if you can challenge her and her friends to make and video their own dances to Jewish music. You can even make a google group or a shared google drive or private padlet for them to share them among themselves.

amother

Tue, Jul 07 2020, 8:47 am

The school does face it and not push it under the rug which is great, the problem is I don’t want to be the one to tell them about other kids.... but I think I might need to talk to them for guidance, unless someone can recommend someone who can guide me with this . Who deals well with teens and knows the right approach

Mama Bear

Tue, Jul 07 2020, 1:05 pm

Your daughter shouldnt have any apps on her ipad. Including tiktok. It's just as bad if not worse than her having access to instagram or facebook. if she wants to make videos of herself dancing she can just film herself dancing and send it to her friends. (which she shouldnt either, to be honest.)
Tiktok is supremely addictive. It's a difficult time now with no school or camp. High school girls shouldn't be glued to their phones all day. ((HUGS))

Mama Bear

Tue, Jul 07 2020, 1:08 pm

Oops. I misread the original post. Kudos to you for not allowing your daughter to be on tiktok.
I'm sorry she's getting these videos sent to her by her friends. Sad

I hope you can have a productive and gentle talk with her about how harmful it is to watch & imitate these videos.

amother

Burlywood

Tue, Jul 07 2020, 1:22 pm

I feel like whatever the schools tell the girls, goes right over their heads.
OP, if the friend's account is private, how does she have 1,000 followers?
I realize many won't agree with me, but just thinking out loud. Your daughter has no access to this app. Her friends send her tic tok dance videos. She makes her own videos with provocative moves, to non Jewish songs, to copy whatever she's sent. Then she shares her dance videos with her friends? I understand, this kind of dancing isn't good, but maybe if it's only among her friends and doesn't get posted, let it be for now? As you said, I'd worry that she'll start doing it behind your back and share with you if you push too hard Sad

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Jul 07 2020, 1:54 pm

Tic tock is terrible for so many reasons . I've seen articles about about it from even regular parenting magazines. The songs the dances ugh I had someone showing and teaching dances to my daughter and it was gross. It was completed situation but thank goodness not an issue anymore. If you know me my kids listen to non Jewish music but really from Disney channel shows and stuff they watch and outhers but this just not appropriate.I don't think parents fully get what it is also the security features on the app are not good and if you are uploading videos......